half way there...

Just met with Dr. Baker - we've scheduled the delivery (I'll likely be induced) for next Friday August 6th!


Reality is really setting in - we're excited, nervous, scared and hopeful. Baby Smart is still doing great. In yesterdays NST (non-stress test) where they hook up a bunch of monitors to both me and the baby and measure movement, heart, contractions, he was asleep for the first bit. They woke him up with this vibrating sound thing and he was pretty angry with us - kicking, moving, heart rate way up. It was interesting to see the richtor-type print out.


Had a lot of calls and visitors yesterday which was really nice to break things up. Thanks Amy, Trent & Sarah, Janelle and the kids and Robin for coming by! Robin brought an amazing cupcake and eclaire that I wasn't supposed to eat, but we indulged and my blood sugar level survived in tact.


Mom and dad also arrived and I was much more composed when I saw them than I thought I would be - Wednesday was just an emotional day, but apparently I'm past that hormonal, emotional day.


We also had our one-on-one birthing class last night which answered a lot of questions. The nurse came in our room and tutored Tony and I. He now knows the best place for him to physically be is by my side (as opposed, for example, behind me) - he interpreted that as being able to quickly retreat out of striking distance. I also learned that I won't be doing the "he, he, he, who, who who" breathing that I've always heard about.


This baby thing is amazing - development, medical technology, birth process - everything just amazes me. It reminds me of when my mom went through her breast cancer ordeal and how she gained an appreciation of the miracle of the human body. More than anything, I realize the miracle that is happening inside my tummy.


We're so grateful for friends and family and all the support we've been receiving. We love you all.


Natalie, Tony and Baby Smart

groundhog day

Remember that movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? That's pretty much my life these days.

Today is day six that I've been in the hospital. In some ways, it only feels like a few days, but in others, it both feels like I've been here forever AND that I may never get out. When the doctor came this morning for his 6am rounds, I asked him exactly how far along I was. I keep hearing I'm in week 32 and our goal is to get to week 34. In my mind, I was close to week 33, but he said I'm actually only 32 weeks and 3 days. I haven't settled in my mind whether this is a minor or major detail. It feels major right now, but I keep reminding myself I'm lucky my water didn't break in week 26 like some of the women on this floor.

I'll be honest, yesterday was hard. I was, and still am, a bit emotional. I haven't felt any panic or pain, but I guess the stress of it all is getting to me. The tears were flowing in the middle of the night and I'm not exactly sure why. I'm sure hormones are playing a big part.

I try to focus on all the positive - and there are a lot of positives. There is still every reason to believe that our little baby is going to pull through just fine. His vital signs as well as mine are strong. Still having contractions, but no infection, so we're still good.

I'm planning on taking a tour of the NICU (newborn ICU) today to see where our baby will be. I also found out that they have a woman who will come give me one-on-one childbirth training.

Thanks again for all the emails, texts, calls and prayers. They really do help and I really do appreciate them all.

Natalie, Tony and Baby Smart

PS - here are some pics of my world...

UPDATE: The doctor just came in - 34 weeks is next THURSDAY AUGUST 5th - reality is kicking in...

Monday or Tuesday's update...not sure which day it is!

it's the wee hours in the morning here at the hospital and I'm enjoying the quiet moment. In a few minutes the nurses will start coming to take my vitals and the resident on staff will come in to check me and my day of tests and checks on me and our baby will begin.

This whole experience is still surreal for me. It's like I'm living this life in a hospital, but it just doesn't seem real. I guess that's the definition of surreal though.

I started having some contractions Monday morning around 3am which woke me up. I had two back to back within 3 minutes of each other. The pain was very moderate, but it did make me quite nervous. I had another one around 5am and the nurses and doctors said this was fairly common. And apparently, I'm having contractions that I can't even feel. They did a NST (non stress test) on the baby yesterday where they hook me up to a couple of monitors and watch the baby's heart beat and measure my tummy - the nurse would say, did you feel that contraction? That was weird.

In yesterday's ultrasound the estimated the baby to weigh 4 lb 3 oz. which is lower than the original estimate of 4 lb 7 oz, but still pretty good for a 32 week old.

Other than being on complete bedrest and only being allowed to get up to go to the bathroom or shower, things are great here. I'm actually not going stir crazy yet - I have enough work and then some to keep me occupied and then there's my busy schedule! Vitals at 5 am, doc visit at 6am, blood test at 7 am, breakfast at 8am and so it goes.

A faux paus from the other day...Tony took me for my wheelchair ride around the hospital. We were getting out of the elevator to go back to my room and there were two policeman there waiting for an elevator with a young woman in scrubs - handcuffed. Apparently Tony didn't see the woman handcuffed when he said, "Honey, you're busted." And THEN he saw the girl - maybe because she started crying right then. It was funny and sad, but mostly we were curious what the story was. I asked my nurses and they said they'd try to find out the scoop. We figured it was probably a drug stealing thing - felt sorry for the girl though..

Thanks everyone for your calls, emails, texts and well wishes. It's nice to break up the day when I hear from friends and family.

We feel very blessed. We feel calm and peaceful., We feel hopeful.

Love to you all,
Natalie, Tony and Baby Smart

Greetings from my hospital bed....

I had this great blog forming in my head this past week. It was titled "Home" and talked about how I was DONE traveling for at least 3 months - how this would be the longest time I would be at home in at least 6 years - how much I was looking forward to just being at home nesting, being with Tony, getting the nursery ready - you get the picture.

Well, my travel pattern in the past 8 months has pretty much been travel a week and home a week - gone every other week. And that's about as long as I made it this time - almost a week.

My water broke a few days ago - Friday morning at 9am and now I find myself in a lovely hospital room at the U of U hospital. In a nutshell, I am 32 weeks along (out of 40) - I guess 30 weeks is a good marker to pass, but we're still definitely in the preemie stage.

What I didn't know is they can try to keep the baby inside the mom for weeks before it's born. And that's what they are doing with me.

So here's what happened. Like I said, my water broke. I was sitting at my desk at home, talking to my boss on the phone and suddenly a gush of liquid comes out of me and I think, "am I peeing my pants?" I knew I wasn't, but I couldn't figure it out for a bit. I yell for Tony to bring me a towel and it keeps gushing. It was really quite weird.

So Tony packs up some things for me and we head to SL Regional Hospital. I'm there for a few minutes (long enough for Janelle to take, oh, 50 pictures or so) and they transfer me by ambulance to the U because I'm so early and they have better facilities here (which really are amazing!).

The first day I was hooked up to a bunch of wires for 24 hours monitoring to see whether I would go into labor or whether I would develop an infection. Little baby Smart did great - great vital signs, lots of movement, he's head down which is good since he doesn't have a soft amniotic sack to help him move as easily. I'm doing great too - in spite of being poked and prodded.

We've now past the 48 hour mark. They are giving me steroids to stimulate the baby's lung development - which is the biggest concern right now. And they are hoping I can stay in this holding pattern for 2 weeks until the baby is at 34 weeks at which time they will induce me.

The amazing thing is I haven't had even one second of panic or fear. Even when my water broke. I feel completely at peace and am very calm. Tony and Uncle Keith gave me a Priesthood blessing which was very comforting as well. I feel like we are blessed and considering the circumstances, are in the best possible situation - both in terms of how my body, how our baby's body is reacting and the amazing level of care that the hospital and staff are giving us.

I do feel totally unprepared for the birth and our baby though. Our birthing class is scheduled for August 21st so I'm hoping to google some on-line birth classes. Any advice from anyone?

Mom and dad are flying out in a few days to help Tony shop and get the nursery ready. We don't have a mattress for the crib, bedding, diapers, car seat - all the necessities, but thank goodness for wi-fi and on-line shopping!

As always, Tony's been amazing. I tear up when I think of how good he is to me and how lucky I am to be with him. Yesterday I told him that I'm glad he's still alive. When he had a puzzled look on his face, I reminded him that he fainted several months ago when we were both sick with the flu and when I couldn't revive him, I had the thought, I finally get married at 42, he knocks me up and now I'm going to be a single mother. So yes, (it's an understatement), but I'm glad he's still alive.

I'm on complete bed rest with bathroom privileges which is a bit of a drag, but I have a lot of work to do to keep me busy and Tony takes me on wheelchair dates down to the lobby, to the parking lot to see the sun and get some fresh air, and just cruising the hospital.

Thanks for all the notes of support and for your prayers. They are much needed and appreciated!

Love to all,
Tony, Natalie and our little Smart baby

why I now keep an old t-shirt in my car with me...

(caution: this is a posting about throwing up)

I can't remember if I've mentioned this yet, but the nausea subsided around the sixth month, but the vomiting didn't. Basically, I am now bulemic. I can pretty much eat most anything, but at 32 weeks into the pregnancy, I still throw up about 3 times a week. But as long as the nausea is gone, I can totally handle throwing up. Or so I thought...

A few weeks ago, I was on my every-other-week trip in High Point, NC in my red hot Dodge Charger (rental car - not my color or car of choice). I had a nice breakfast of my usual cornflakes and strawberries and was on my way to work. I do need to mention that 100% of my vomiting has taken place after 4pm or so. And, I have made it to the bathroom (or kitchen sink on 2 occasions) everytime.

But for some crazy reason, at 8:45 am, without any nausea or warning whatsoever, I threw up...while driving to the office. I was about a 1/2 mile from the next intersection and I HELD IT IN MY MOUTH while looking around desperately for a solution to my predicament. No cups, no napkins, nothing within arms distance except for a t-shirt I brought with me with wishful thinking I might go work out at the gym.

So I grabbed the tshirt (remember the Old Navy $5 summer specials?) and out it came. Nasty.

On the way to work, I had to stop at the printer to pick up a proof. I'm standing at the counter while the woman is getting my proof for me and absent mindedly touch my chin. I feel dried vomit stuck to my chin.

Needless to say, it was a lovely day.

Hormone Induced Irrational Thoughts...a very bad combination

So I thought I had already gone through a couple of hormonal episodes (I cried when my niece Sienna got hurt and cry whenever I see any missionary returning home at the airport), but after this week, I realize I clearly had not.

At my last doctors appt almost a month ago, my doctor suggested I start counting my baby’s kicking and movement. She said I might notice a pattern – which I did. In the early morning hours, my baby will wake up and start moving. A lot. So I start the timer for 10 minutes and start counting. He’s moved as many as 18 times in 10 minutes, but it’s usually more like 14 or 15 times.

But last Sunday morning I woke up and something felt different. I just didn’t feel pregnant, which is a feeling that I’ve found is totally impossible to describe to say, a husband. I also didn’t feel our baby move at all. Since it was about 5:30 am, I thought he must still be sleeping. After a long while, I started panicking and went to drink some orange juice to get him going (as my doctor suggested). Still nothing. I couldn’t help myself and started crying, hands on my stomach, gently nudging this way and that way. Nothing. I decided a couple of hours wasn’t long enough to go get checked at the hospital, so I kept waiting for movement.

Then I felt a little flutter. Not the robust kick that I’m used to by now, but a flutter. In the next 10 minutes he shifted slightly again. I did the 10 minute timer over and over again but he never kicked more than 2 or 3 times in the 10 minute intervals. My doctor said to watch for drastic changes which is what I felt was happening, but the pregnancy websites said to get checked if he moved less than 10 times in 2 hours. He was moving that much at least. We decided to wait it out.

We went to church and I felt him move a few times which of course brought me to tears again. I spent the rest of the day napping, resting, hands on tummy and counting. By Monday he was back to normal – doing his morning back flips and tossing and turning in the middle of the night when I’m trying to sleep.

But I was still a wreck. Over the past 7 months, I’ve grown used to a little being inside of me. And I’ve fallen in love. Add the fact that I there’s a fairly good chance, this might be our one and only chance for a baby and it creates a recipe for a classic hormonal breakdown.

At church, friends came up and asked “how’s the baby?” and I would have to choke back tears and smile and say “great”. I cried during all the talks. I cried when I got home. And I was on the verge of tears for the next two days. On Tuesday, I finally broke down and started sobbing for no reason at all. My baby was moving lots and I felt fine physically – just a wreck emotionally. It was like I was mourning the loss of our baby but feeling him move at the same time. Irrational.

I am happy to report I have since gathered myself together and am now composed. I didn’t cry today when I heard the baby’s strong heartbeat at my doctor’s appointment. I didn’t cry when I told my doctor about my horrible day on Sunday. I didn’t cry when the doctor said, “everything looks great.”

But after my first brush with those hormones, I am completely amazed at the power they had over my tear ducts, my mind and my body.

Irrational Fears and Incomplete Thoughts #1

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything – and there are a lot of reasons for this. First is my current identity crisis. I wanted to write about something other than being pregnant, but I honestly couldn’t come up with anything...which is what launched my identity crisis. I worried that I was losing all sense of my former self (which I worked really hard at and was quite content with…imperfections and all). I worried that I would only be able to talk about pregnancy and babies and how would that go over when I was amongst the high society with whom I usually mingle? I worried that I would forget everything I worked hard for i.e. a career that I really do love.

The second reason (there are lots of others, but I’ll spare you) is actually the very thing I decided to write about. The title of today’s posting…Irrational Fears and Incomplete Thoughts. In a nutshell, I have a bad case of baby brain.

Irrational Fear # 2 (my identity crisis is irrational fear #1).

So last night I babysat my sister’s three kids and their cousin Alden. Alden is a great kid – a three year old who rarely complains, who always obeys and seldom cries.

Until last night.

We started out on a fine note. A hotdog picnic in their pop-up trailer, followed by playing outside and then cartoons on TV while I gave my sciatic nerve a rest on the sofa. Right when I was just about to get the kids ready for bed, Alden randomly started crying and saying he wanted his daddy. The problem was he was in a sorta panic mode and anytime I tried to talk to him or come near him to comfort him he started screaming. Like Stranger Danger screaming. What do you do in a situation like that? I surely didn’t know.

The problem was I didn’t know anyone’s phone numbers on Janelle’s in-law side. I called 411 for his parents’ and his grandparents numbers. I called and texted everyone I could think of who might have a Baird number. Finally Faceook pulled through (doesn’t it always?) and I called Alden’s dad who spoke to Alden and calmed him down.

Until he hung up the phone.

I finally called back his dad who decided to come and get him even though Janelle was due home in a bit. After 45 minutes of crying so hard I thought he was going to pass out, I gave up - mostly because I really didn't know what else to do. I thought all those years of being the oldest child of six prepared me for motherhood. I thought I would be able to come up with ways to amuse, nurture or distract children. I thought I would be a good mother.

Until last night.

The rational thought would be, he isn’t your child, doesn’t really know you, isn’t even related to you. It will be different with your baby. But I’ve learned when you’re pregnant, irrational often beats out the rational.

Don’t worry – I’m not freaked out or overly frightened. Just humbled and yes, a bit irrational. But what would you have done?