some thoughts on Mother's Day

I still remember when I was a twenty-something, a woman was telling my mom how she hated Mother's Day.  I was shocked.  How was that possible?  It was like a child saying he hated Christmas.  Unfathomable.

But then I quickly understood.  There are women who have lost a child or their mother, there are women who are single and yearn for a marriage and children, there are women who are struggling with infertility.  And then there are mothers whose child/children have taken a different path than the one they hoped for and there are feelings of sadness, or mothers who simply think they don't measure up / aren't perfect / feel guilty for real / imagined reasons.

Myself?  While I didn't get married until age 42 and wasn't sure even then that motherhood would be in the picture, I felt at peace.  Or maybe it wasn't exactly "peace", but I had accepted my situation and wasn't unhappy or bitter about it.  And my own mother?  Well, let me just say, I am blessed.  And now I have this Curious George-like monkey-boy of a son in my life.  And I don't know that I could feel anything but gratitude and love for this little one.  I could go on and on about how much I love being a mother and how much I love my mother. 

But today, my thoughts are with those women (and even men) who feel sadness on this day.  I know there are those who feel a profound emptiness because they are either single or haven't been able to have children.  I know there are those who have lost their mother - especially those like my own dear husband who lost his mother earlier in life.  I know there are mothers who worry night and day about the choices their children make (including my own mother worrying about me and my siblings).  I know there are mothers (me) who feel guilty for the little things you do and shouldn't or don't do and should.

So to those women, I'm not going to tell you platitudes such as "if it's meant to be, it will be" because I HATED it when people told me that.  I'm not going to tel you (even though I actually do believe this) that we are all mothers to all the children (and even some of the adults!) in our lives. 

I AM going to tell you that my thoughts are with you.  That I am sorry for the sadness, the loneliness, the pain and the sorrow this day brings.  And more than anything, that I sincerely do believe that you and I have a Heavenly Father who knows your sorrow and your sadness and your pain. And most of all that He loves you, He knows YOU and He is there for you.

doggie!

"doggie!" was Ryan's answer when I asked him whether he wanted a little brother or a little sister.  I guess I shouldn't take it to literally since "doggie" is what he calls almost all animals these days - kitty, goat, deer, sheep, pig, you name it.  And at 20 months, I didn't really expect an answer from him, but "doggie??"  But I'd be lying if it didn't make me think twice about our adoption plans.

I'm surprised by the number of people who have emailed and have said they are interested in hearing more about our decision to adopt and how we came to the decision to adopt a special needs child from China.  Not that I thought we were, but it appears we are not alone in our quest to produce a family.

I don't think it comes as a surprise to anyone who knows us well that we were pursuing adoption.  Afterall, we did spend our "real" honeymoon in Peru at the Sunflower Orphanage.  If it were possible, our house would be full of those beautiful Peruvian children.  And we had just decided to start the adoption process a few weeks earlier when I first felt the queasiness that told me our family might be off to a different start than adoption.

Pregnancy, with all it's ups and downs and mad dashes to the bathroom was quite an experience, but it didn't present the multitude and magnitude of decisions that we've faced so far with our adoption journey.  Not everyone will be interested in hearing all the details, but someone might be.  It's not an easy explanation and might best be explained in the research we did and how we ruled some options out (and in).

One of the possibilities we seriously considered is foster adoption.  Working with that population of children - the child who is taken away from their biological parents and into the custody of the court system - has always been near and dear to my heart.  When I lived in the South Bay, I volunteered as a Child Advocate with the CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) program.  It is basically a Big Brother/Big Sister program on steroids.  You go through a thorough training program for several weeks and are actually legally appointed by the court to be a special advocate for a child.  You have weekly visits, you talk to foster parents, biological parents, school teachers, social workers and write court reports and make recommendations to the court on behalf of your child.

I loved that volunteer work.  It was important and invaluable.  And I loved the children I worked with.

That was MY reason for wanting to foster adopt.  Tony's reason was much more personal.  With his mother passing away at age 17 and his father passing away at age 22, he was an orphan at an earlier age than most of us.  And in spite of having siblings and extended family, he struggled because, well, no one can really replace your parents.  So for Tony, foster adoption is, putting it mildly, very appealing.

One of our main reasons for adopting is so Ryan will have a sibling close in age.  To try to adopt a foster child close to Ryan's age means we would bring in a child to our home that is "legal risk" meaning the first objective is to reunite that child with their biological parents.  I've been through that and felt I could handle loving a child as my own and then "giving them up" to their biological parents.  But I was pretty sure it would break Tony's heart.  And I didn't want to think about Ryan becoming attached to a sibling just to have that sibling leave our home.

So, for now, we've ruled out foster adoption and hopefully, that "for now" will come back into play at some point in our lives.

But at the risk of a really long post, can I put a plug in for foster adoption?  I listen to a foster adoption podcast.  If by chance, you see me on an airplane with tears running down my cheeks, I'm probably listening to one of those podcasts.

The BEST podcast I've ever heard on foster parenting was in response to their most asked question:  doesn't it break your heart when one of your foster children leave your home?

Tim and Wendy (the foster parents) explained SO beautifully, that YES, it breaks our hearts.  The went on to explain is that one of the hardest things for a child in the foster systemto do is to form attachments.  So that is their task.  To help that child build and create attachments.  So they love that child unconditionally.  They do everything they can to help that child feel safe and secure.  They spend their days and nights helping them with their schoolwork, supervising visits with their parents, working with social workers and teachers so they can live as normal a life as possible.  And in so doing, they become ATTACHED.  That, in a nutshell, is their job.

So when a child leaves their home, they hope it is heartbreaking for both the child as well as themselves.  But they also hope that they have created a situation where the child is able to understand the situation and deal with the situation with further damage.  So, if their child becomes attached, it hurts.  But it's also their job.

So again, although we've ruled out foster adoption for now (again, "for now"), we hope to someday have that blessing.

Happy Easter

Since I took down my Easter decor yesterday (and when I say "Easter decor" I really mean the darling two bunnies that my mom gave to me during her visit here), I thought it was time for an Easter posting.  I generally try to keep my postings in the same month, but I generally fail at this.

We had the great annual Mano Family Easter Egg Hunt on Saturday.  We got up early, had a few practice runs around the house and when I was satisfied that Ryan could compete with his well-experienced Mano cousins, we put all our eggs in the basket and waited for the event.

True to tradition, we started off with the first hunt for the little ones.  Ryan did respectably well, gathering all his eggs with a little help from his mama.  Too bad for him that his mama doesn't let him have candy yet, but luckly Auntie Linda filled several with our favorite crackers!

I love this picture of Darin and little Samantha.  I love the serious little face of hers juxtaposed to Darin's well, umm, goofy one.  Samantha will bejoining the competition next year!

Next up was the big people egg hunt.  I missed the video of the start when all the teenagers and adults take off at neck-breaking speed in search of the golden eggs.  But I did get plenty of pictures of a cute little boy.

So, although it's a bit (ahem) late, Happy Easter!

mom's 70th birthday bash

My mom turned 70 last month! We were lucky enough to have her in Utah for her big birthday week. We had been planning and scheming for weeks about how to best celebrate 70 years for the woman who means so much to us. How can you possibly show such an amazing woman how much she means to each of us individually and as a family?

We had a small family dinner with the three Utah kids - Janelle's family, Trent's family and mine. It was a fairly informal evening, but we had plans. We weren't sure how we were going to pull it off yet, but we had a big surprise party with both Mano and Inouye sides coming to our house on the weekend.

But on Friday, the day before the big party, we heard from Gary that Racquel's water broke at 32 weeks and they were at the hospital. Long story short, mom decided to fly home right away and so dad said, "ummm, have you talked to Natalie about their plans?"

One thing about me, I am THE worst person to pull off these kinds of things. I can't lie. I start smiling and stuttering. So I had to spill the beans, but only because dad spilled the beans.

But it was a good thing, because mom helped us cook and clean for the party on Saturday. And true to form, I don't know how we would have pulled off the party for 55-ish people without her help.

Trent put together a couple of games with Carolyn trivia questions. My favorite Jeopardy answer was: When mom and Auntie Gerry went snow skiing, they couldn't get on or off this.

Question: What is a tow rope?

My favorite Jeopardy category was "Peta Alert". I'll save those stories for another birthday. But before I end, I can't resist re-posting my all-time favorite picture of my parents.

Happy Belated Birthday, to my lovely, charming and fantastically funny mother. We love you and love you and love you and love you!

ten minutes to midnight

That's what time my watch alarm is set for these days. At ten minutes to midnight, my watch beeps at me telling me to log off my server at work in time for the nightly back up.

Ten minutes to midnight. Who does that?

I do. Several times a year. At tradeshow time. I work on the server until midnight, log off and then work some more until about 2 or 3am. This show has been particularly busy and I'm not quite ready. And I depart for High Point, North Carolina tomorrow night for TEN days. It could be worse though. It could be 11 or 12 days and it probably should have been with all the work we have to do, but ten days is about all I can bear to be away from my boys.

I've been home now for almost a month because of two cancelled trips and it's been wonderful. And once again, I nominate myself for the Mother of the Year Award.

The great thing about my job is I get to work at home so Ryan, Tony and I are together quite a bit. The bad thing about my job is I have a ton of work to do so I don't get to spend as much quality time with Ryan as I would like. So lately, Ryan's been watching a lot of "shows" as he calls them. I never thought I would win any motherhood awards, but one thing on my list was Ryan would not watch TV - except for maybe Baby Einstein during which Ryan would sit on my lap and i would point out the different animals to him. But alas, real life doesn't always work out that way. And lately, Ryan and Yo Gabba Gabba have spent some quality time together.

Yo Gabba Gabba is slowly growing on me. I even find myself singing "I am so happy, happy to be me" in a high cartoonish voice. DJ Lance or whatever his name actually reminds me of my brother Trent. At least his dancing does. Have you seen Trent dance? Well, just watch DJ Lance and there you have it.

So even though I may not win the Mother of the Year award, I'll take my busy days at home with my Yo Gabba Gabba watching baby boy. Who, as you can see, is more of a boy than a baby these days!

So have a lovely ten days...I'm going to try to post a few things while I'm gone, but if I don't, now you know why.

See y'all later!

lovely oceanside

I mentioned before that we spent the first week of March in Oceanside, California for Tony's birthday week. We bought a week at a condo at a charity auction for Southern Cross/Eagle-Condor and with our free flights, it was a great deal!

The condo was a short walk from the beach and we went with a simple agenda. Sleep, exercise on the beach, sleep, go to the San Diego Zoo, sleep, play on the beach, relax, read and more sleep.

And we did just that. It was wonderful.

First, some pictures from the zoo. I guess we tend to spend birthdays at zoos. First Ryan's first birthday and now Tony's. I tend to spend my birthdays either on a plane to NY or at the NY Gift Fair, which is another type of zoo altogether.

The zoo was amazing and we could have spent a couple of days there. Ryan was captivated by all the animals and so were we.

There were some silver back gorillas that were amazing - we couldn't stop watching them. But we were equally captivated by the lions, tigers, bears, elephants and everything else. By the end of the day, he was zonked.

When we first put Ryan down on the sand, he wrapped his legs around Tony's and didn't want to stand on his own. It was quite funny, but it made for a heavy boy. But after a few days, we couldn't keep up with him. I loved watching his cute little bum run along the sand.

With the exception of Ryan discovering his terrible two scream, it was an amazing trip. When I got home, I told my friend Marcia that Ryan was a big challenge on this trip and it would take a lot for Tony to talk me into another vacation anytime soon. She just replied, I love it. She was happy to see, as only a good friend can be, that Ryan wasn't all easy all the time.

But screams or no screams, he's still a pretty fun kid and we wouldn't trade him or our vacations for the world.

Next up...mom's big 70th birthday party.

warning: insomnia induced blog posting

It's 5:26 am, but I've actually been up since 3:32 am. I know that because I woke with a start from a disturbing dream and looked at my clock by my bed.

After tossing and turning for an eternity, I decided to get up and get some of those thoughts that have been whirling in my mind for the past two hours down on paper.

First off, where did March go? March was pretty much a blur as it whizzed by. A quick re-cap with a possibility of further elaboration at a later date:

First week: lovely vacation to Oceanside, CA in a condo a short walk from the beach to celebrate Tony's birthday week (yes, week!).

Second week: Mom came a couple of days after we got home and stayed for her big 70th birthday AND my new little niece (Gary and Racquel's daughter) was born on Friday, March 16th.

Third week: A quick trip to my home away from home, High Point, NC. The HP Market is coming up in April and we are launching a new branding campaign and new catalog for our new company, Mr. Brown.

Fourth week: Back at home, but this time, with a lovely new deck!

Oh and a couple of other honorable mentions: We sent in our adoption application and were approved! A flurry of paperwork has already begun! We started working on another business development and met with several different consultants. And did I mention our new Mr. Brown catalog? We put that together in a record month's time - complete with new logo, concept and Mr. Brown branding.

So that, in a nutshell is my March. No wonder I can't sleep.