love and hate

I remember a story I read in a Sherry Dew book years ago.  Mind you, it really was years ago and my memory is what you would expect from a 47-year-old-mother-of-a-two-year-old.

She recalled an experience driving in the dark with her niece.  The niece was fascinated with the beams of light coming from the headlights.  She asked her aunt something about how the light beams were able to shine through the darkness.  While she stumbled over an answer, her niece exclaimed something like, "oh, I get it, the light is stronger than the dark."

I've always loved that.  Light is stronger than dark.

And today, I really, really, REALLY need to remember that.

It's been a tough week.  I took a red-eye on Sunday night to the east coast.  With very little sleep, I arrived at the office in the afternoon.  Have you ever known someone - at work, church, among friends, family, or anywhere, who really just didn't like you?

I have such a someone in my life.  And this week we confronted the situation.  Today we went to lunch, and that someone had a long list of complaints about me.  When we finished, I understood why this person didn't like me because based on what I just heard, I didn't even like myself.

It's tough...really tough to get some negative feedback...especially when you don't believe it.  Apparently, I emanate negative energy, among many other not-so-nice things to all those around me.  At least according to this person. 

So now I am vascillating between the denial and anger steps and can't seem to get over that bridge to the next steps.

But I do know a few things...

positive is stronger than negative
light is stronger than dark

On that note, happy valentines day.  And remember...

love is stronger than hate

What's on your bookshelf?

When I was around 5 years old, my mom (who is now a children's librarian) started me on a summer reading program.  Every week we went to the library and checked out a stack of books.  And for every book I read, my mom would write the title on an oval piece of colored paper - maybe around 6 inches tall and 4 inches wide.  There were several different colors of the ovals.  Then she would tape that oval really high on my wall in my bedroom and link the ovals together.  They created a bookworm - my summer reading bookworm.

Thus began my love of reading and of books.  The first home improvement project I made to my first home was to build a bookshelf.  I loved that wall of books with the built in arch and painted blue background. 

During my high school years I stopped reading for fun - I guess with sports, church activities, work and school, I just didn't have time to read anymore.  It wasn't until my freshman year at college that I realized with a shock that I had stopped reading for fun.  Luckily, I had a roommate who was a voracious reader.  Beginning with The Princess Bride, my love of reading was reborn.

Since then, I read pretty much non-stop...until I got pregnant.  I think it was a combination of exhaustion and nausea that put the stops, but I completely stopped reading and didn't start until Ryan was about 6 months old which, oddly enough, was about the same time that Ryan began sleeping through the night.

Last year, I read some amazing books.  I fully intended on writing a review about them, but, well, you know how blogging intentions go.  So, here is my readling list from 2012:
1.  Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand - non-fiction account of the amazing Louis Zamperini.
2.  Gideon by Marilyn Robinson.  A re-read of one of my favorite novels.  Beautifully written story but you really have to be patient with this one.  It has a subtle plot that unfolds and you just have to enjoy the writing and the journey.
3.  Home by Marilyn Robinson.  Sequel to Gideon.  Another favorite.
4.  The Hummingbird's Daughter by Luis Alberto Urrea.  Okay, I'm just going to say all of these books are favorites unless otherwise noted.
5.  Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins.  I usually resist the latest book fad, but Tony bought it for me.  Yes, it was disturbing, but I read it in 24 hours.
6.  Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins.  Ditto
7.  Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins.  Ditto
8.  Entreleadership by Dave Ramsey.  I'm addicted to Dave Ramsey podcasts.  This business book did not disappoint, although I could do without all of the scriptural references.
9.  Stolen Lives by Malika Oufkir.  Non-fiction.  If you haven't already, just read it.  You will never complain about your life again.
10.  Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro.  Interesting and thought provoking, but not one of my favorites.   A great book, but it had some pretty stiff competition this year.
11.  Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese.  LOVED this one.
12.  In the Shadow of the Cypress by Thomas Steinbeck (son of THE Steinbeck).  It was no East of Eden...
13.  Islands of the Sea by Isabel Allende.  Love her writing.
14.  The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes.  Took my awhile to get into it, but about 50 pages in, I couldn't put it down.
15.  Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn.  Beyond disturbing, but a definite page turner.  Total fluff read.
16.  Buddha in the Attic by Julie Otskua - AMAZING.  If you are a relative of mine, you must read it. 

So far in 2013:
1.  Behind the Beautiful Forevers by Katherine Boo.  I thought this was a novel until I read about how she spent about 4 years living in the slums in India.  Fascinating and sad.
2.  A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson.  Hilarious account of hiking the Appalachian Trail.  I have taken that off my bucket list.
3.  Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.  Another disturbing page turner.  If you are offended by language, don't read it.

If you're still reading this, I need a book recommendation...I'd LOVE to what your favorite book you read was in 2012!

the best birthday

For about a dozen years or so now, I've celebrated my birthday either in New York or on a plane to New York.  Generally, it hasn't been a big deal.  I turned 47 last Saturday and true to its schedule, the New York Gift Fair helped me ring in my new year. 

I'm not sure why, but this year it was hard.  The Marriott Marquis is sometimes generous in upgrading my room and this year was no exception.  A great view of Times Square, but for some reason it just made me sad.  Sad that I had a great hotel room in a beautiful city and I was by myself.  I know, pathetic right?  I generally don't enjoy a lot of attention on my birthday, but you still like to spend the day with those you love.

So as I was feeling sorry for myself, a young man half way around the world was experiencing a miracle.  And it was that miracle that snapped me out of my wallowing in self-pity. 

Two of my favorite boys in the Sunflower Orphanage have graduated from high school and have aged out of the home.  I've written quite a bit about Adril who is about to hit his one year mark on his mission in the Lima West Mission in Peru (a fun update and pictures from Aril coming up!).  Adril's younger cousin is Wilfredo.  Wilfredo stole my heart the first day I met him.  He is painfully shy and will hardly talk with or even look at people. 

Over the past 6 months we've been trying to help him go on an LDS Mission.  Leonidas helped him get his doctor and dental work done (no small feat for this boy) and get his paperwork completed.  And then for some reason, Wilfredo moved to a small town a few hours from Lima.  In the meantime, we didn't know what happened to his mission call.

I felt a bit of inspiration to reach out to a friend, Will, but I didn't know him all that well.  So instead, I contacted another friend Kathy who in turn talked to Will.  A day later, Will called me while I was in Atlanta and let me know he was on it.  He knew a bunch of key people in Peru and they were all working on the situation.

Here's the deal.  Wilfredo only communicates with us on FaceBook messenger so we have to catch him when he is online and then my Spanish is horrendous (and his isn't all that great either!).  It all seems so simple to write about now, but after a series of miracles and answers to prayers (and I am not exaggerating when I say MIRACLES), Wilfredo received his mission call last Sunday at his branch.  He is going to Ecuador, Guayaquil North mission and reports to the MTC on June 5th.

There is no way this boy could have done it without the help of Will, President Calderon, Elder Hooker and many others.

Wilfredo wrote to Kathy that he cried tears of joy when he opened the envelope and read the letter.  I cried too.  Hard.  I'm amazed at how many people took the time to help just one person.  It reminded me about what the scriptures say about the worth of a soul.  A month ago I was SO anxious and terribly worried about this boy.  I couldn't figure out a way to get money to him, I couldn't figure out a way to help him receive his mission call, I couldn't figure out a way to communicate with him without the help of Facebook and Google Translate.  A month and many miracles later, he's on his way to the best experience of his life.

And honestly, it made me feel absolutely silly about being lonely in my hotel room in New York on my birthday.  What does that matter when God is working miracles in Wilfredo's life?

And really, there isn't a better birthday present than this.

smoomie and a bet

So far, January is kicking my butt.  In 2013 we have 13 tradeshows (we had TWO when I first started working for them five years ago).  Nearly one-third of those 13 shows are in the month of January.

We finished up the Atlanta show two weeks ago - although I left a few days early and flew to Las Vegas to finish the set up for that showroom.  Tomorrow morning I fly to New York where both companies are showing and then I fly directly to Las Vegas for the final show of the month.

In between shows, I've been trying to spend as much time as I can with my little boy.  When I came home from Atlanta, we were playing with his trucks.  He held up one of his trucks and said, "check it out, it's really awesome!"

I'm not sure where he learns this stuff - probably at daycare since there are a few older kids, but it cracked me up. 

We've also been enjoying green "smoomies" as Ryan calls them.  My friend Amy invited me to hear the Green Smoothie Girl speak a few weeks ago and we've been drinking them down ever since.  I love that Ryan is drinking several servings of fruits and veggies every day - no more battling to get him to eat his greens!

And in case you were wondering, I'm still off sugar.  It's January 23rd today which means I am 23 days off sugar.

But ask me again if I'm still off sugar on February 2nd after I get home from New York and Las Vegas.  And by the way, that includes spending my 47th (yikes!) birthday in New York. 

$100 bucks says my answer will be yes.  And yes, that is an actual bet.  If you ask me on February 2nd if I am still off sugar and my answer is NO, I will pay you $100.

How's THAT for incentive?

See y'all on Feb 2nd!

net net

I just arrived in Atlanta today for the show at AmericasMart Atlanta.  It was a busy day with flying, getting to my hotel, rushing down to the showroom (which looks fabulous by the way) and helping get things set up for opening day tomorrow.  Finally at 8pm I was DONE.  I was tired and I needed to be fed.  But before I headed to my hotel, I decided to run across the street to CVS to pick up a few things.

While I was wandering the aisles, I passed a woman with a little girl in a stroller.  The little girl looked to be about 5 years old and she was sitting very quietly.  Her mom was saying things (a bit loudly) like, "I know you're hungry, but I don't have any money to buy you any food" and "stop complaining about being hungry, I can't do anything about it."  Here's the thing.  The little girl wasn't saying a thing.  I was standing right next to her and would have heard her if she had.

Immediately I started a mental debate.  This woman obviously wanted to me to hear what she was saying and I couldn't decide what to do.  I normally wouldn't hesitate to buy this adorable little girl a meal, but I started making some snap judgments.  The mom bought two huge cans of Arizona Ice Tea instead of food for her daughter and if I'm being completely honest, I made the horrible judgment that from her appearance, the mom definitely wasn't starving.  But it really bothered that she bought what she did if her little girl really was starving.

Then they were in the check out line in front of me and I continued my internal debate.  I really thought the mom was playing an act so while I debated myself as to what to do, she finalized her purchase and walked out of the store.  Minutes later, I walked out myself and there they were sitting on a bench outside the store.  As I walked by, she said again, "I know you're hungry...."  I continued walking.

And then I couldn't take it.  I turned around and asked her if her little grl was hungry and if I could buy her something to eat.  The woman said, "yes" and that I could take her into the store and she would wait her with my suitcase.  I politely said "that's ok" and then asked the little girl if she wanted to go buy something to eat.

She looked up at me and nodded her head.  I asked her what her name was and she said "Net Net" (her mom later told me it was short for Antoinette).

She wanted chips, pudding and other snacks.  I bought her a ham & cheese sandwich, a bottle of milk, lunchables, raisins and a box of Special K protein bars that had chocolate in them.

I really had to control myself and try not to judge this mother.  I was shocked that she would tell a total stranger to take her daughter into the store (I guess there was only one entrance so I couldn't take off with her, but still...).

As I returned Net Net to her mother, she thanked me over and over.  She explained that they just arrived from Ohio and times are really hard.  Her husband's family is from here but they said they couldn't stay with them.  Her husband is off "who knows where" doing "his thing" and she was just praying for some help when I came along.

As I said good-bye, I realized that I didn't have any place to judge this woman.  Maybe I had been played.  Maybe not.  But as for Net Net, she sure did look hungry.  As I walked away, the thought popped into my mind that this mom on the streets was doing the best she could with what she had.  And it wasn't for me to judge where her "best" fell on the spectrum.  It was her BEST.

I'm not all that proud of the thoughts that went through my head tonight and how long it took me to decide whether or not to buy a little girl some food.  Tonight, MY best certainly didn't include the judgments I made.  My best didn't include the $20 bucks I spent on food for Net Net. I spent more than that last week at the movie theatre.

But for little Net Net's sake, I'm glad some sense finally crept into my thick skull.  I'm glad I had the thought "you will not be able to sleep tonight if you walk away from that hungry little girl."

Later, I walked into my hotel room, ordered room service and began to write this blog.  I still might not be able to sleep tonight. But at least Net Net and her mom (yes, I bought her mom a sandwich too - very big of me...) have a bit of food in their tummies tonight.

And tomorrow, I am going to try to be a little bit better.  In fact, I am going to try to be just like little Net Net's mom and do what she's doing....her best.

kale chips

I know I'm probably the last person on earth to jump on the kale bandwagon, but that's my style.  I made kale chips yesterday and I'm hooked.  More than a sweet tooth, I have a salty tooth.  These satisfy that craving for all things crunchy and salty. 

I tried a recipe from Tastefully Julie's website and click here for the Kale Chips link.  But basically, you just get kale (Tony picked up a package of organic baby kale), wash it, dry it thoroughly, add a tablespoon of olive oil to the kale in a ziploc bag, shake, shake, shake, lay it out on a cookie sheet and sprinkle some sea salt and bake for 20 minutes at 300.

Tastefully Julie's recipe has a lot more detail and hints so definitely check her site.  Plus, she has a nice printable recipe.  The picture above is from her site - she used the curly kind, but mine were flat because they were baby kale.  I'd heed her advice on using just a touch of salt though - mine were way too salty.

But I still LOVE them and love that I've found an easy and healthy snack.

my new years happy place

When I was in my late teens, I started driving down to the beach on Ocean Avenue in Carmel.  It soon became a tradition for me to drive down there sometime around New Years day, all by myself, for some alone time. 

There is a little bakery on Ocean Avenue and I would stop on my walk down to the ocean for some steamed milk with a hint of vanilla and a warm pretzel.  I would continue on my little walk down to the beach and then I would just sit, think, meditate, pray and ponder.  I continued my tradition for years - all through my college years and any of the years that I lived in the Bay Area.

I miss that place.  I've gone back there since I've lived in Utah and I took Tony with me a couple of years ago.  It still had that magical feel, but there was something about going by myself around the New Year.  It was a place for me to reflect about my recent past and where I would be in my near future.

It was the site of epiphanies, tears, happiness, joy and sadness.  But most of all, it was a place where I made decisions.  It was a place of goals, dreams and hopes.  For some reason, I find that I need an event or location (like a beautiful beach) to inspire hope and change.  I love New Years day.  I love the feeling of a new beginning and new possibilities.  And I suppose I also like the feeling of ending the old year.

For whatever reason, I haven't been able to arrive at that mental place where I need to be to make some goals.  Maybe it's because I don't have a place of serenity where I have an hour (or even a few minutes) to myself to ponder and become inspired.  But whatever the reason, I don't have a complete set of goals.  I do have ONE however.  Well, maybe two.

ONE:  My annual goal to become healthier.  I'm off sugar...again.  January 1st was day one.  I'm taking it one day at a time.  Tonight I'm going to a Green Smoothie Girl conference with a friend.  I've been thinking about Green Smoothies quite a bit lately and doing a bit of research.  Ryan likes the banana/almond milk "smoomie" that I make for him, so I'm thinking I might be able to get some green vegetables into him in smoomie form.

TWO:  Enjoy life more.  I've been working way too much and my 2013 workload isn't looking to good.  So I'm going to have to take advantage of moments from time to time and schedule some real vacations away from work.

I've got some other ideas swirling around my mind, but that's all they are doing right now - swirling.

Anybody have any inspiration, goals, ideas out there?