People keep telling me to “enjoy my pregnancy”, but honestly, when do I have time to do that? The most I can muster is spending an extra few minutes in bed in the morning with my hands on my tummy feeling our little baby rustle inside me. I have to say, feeling the little flutters inside me is one of the most amazing things. I’d rank it up there with petting the whales in Baja and swimming with the Galapagos sea lions. But I’d rank it higher than those.
I’ve learned several things over the last month. First and foremost, I’m not as tough as I thought I was. This may not come as a surprise to my family. I thought I’d be fine working the tradeshow at High Point, but my feet told me otherwise. By the second day of the show, my feet were so swollen, I looked like I was walking on hot coals. I couldn’t fit into any of my shoes and had to wear flip-flops the entire show. Now this is a high-design, high-fashion show. I meet with editors of magazines, designers and people like Margaret Russell, the editor-in-chief of Elle Décor. She was so gracious and was so happy that I was expecting and completely ignored my flip-flops.
After two grueling weeks of swollen feet and a sore back, I flew back last Saturday to SLC. Tony picked me up from the airport and we drove straight to my aunt’s house for a family dinner. Trent and Sarah graduated from BYU so my parents and sister Melissa flew in for the big event. We had a lovely dinner (still can’t eat much more than fruit and “blah foods” like rice though).
Sunday night I woke in the middle of the night and knew I was seconds from vomiting. This has happened a few times before, but this was different than my usual pregnancy sickness. It was VIOLENT. I had to get up about 5 times in the night running to the bathroom. When Tony got sick too, I called my mom to see if they were sick. She called around and 6 of us had gotten sick. By the next day, 11 of us were. Apparently my cousins had the flu and it was a quick-spreading, nasty bug and we got it.
The second thing I learned is that I don’t want to be a single mom and for about 30 seconds, I thought that was my destiny. Tony had been throwing up quite a bit and we were both pretty weak. He got up to go to the bathroom and then I heard a horrible thud/crashing sound. I yelled his name and ran to the bathroom but couldn’t open the door. I could see his legs and feet – he had passed out and his body was blocking the door. I had to use my whole body to push it open. He was half reclined, facing away from the toilet with his body/head between the toilet and the wall.
The thing I remember the most is his eyes. It was like someone hit the re-set button. The pupils were dialated and were completely centered and fixed in the exact middle of his eyes. He was ash white, there was no sign of life in those eyes and it looked like he was dead.
I couldn’t move his body without his head falling and hitting the ground so I just tried to revive him. I would touch his face and say his name over and over again. I remember wondering if I should slap him like they do in the movies.
I couldn’t get him awake so I ran and got the phone and called 911. They were just about to send an ambulance when Tony’s eyes started flickering. It seemed like 5 minutes, but I guess he was out about 30 or 40 seconds. He started coming around and my heart started beating again.
The rest of the day as we were still sick in bed I kept looking into his eyes. I was amazed at how different they looked. There was life.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
funny things
A couple of funny stories (at least to me)...
So the woman who cuts Tony's hair asked him if I'm eating more fruits and smoothies or eating more salty things like chips. When Tony replied definitely fruits (I suddenly can't get enough oranges, strawberries or apples in my mouth), she promptly replied - you're having a girl! So there you have it. I might even cancel my ultrasound at the end of the month.
I have one (ONE!) pair of pants that still fit me. Sadly, I somehow lost them last week. I wore them Thursday night to our stake roadshow plays and on Friday, they were nowhere to be found. Tell me, how do you lose a pair of pants? On Saturday I finally asked Tony if he hid them from me. His reply: Honey, I hide your clothes from you all the time. I'm surprised you find them as often as you do.
(Later that day, I broke down and finally went maternity clothes shopping - painful!)
Since I work at home, I usually just wear sweats around the house. The elastic waistband does a belly good. But my belly is starting to protrude a bit which causes said elastic to slide down. So those pants those silly teenage boys wear that hang down so low? That's pretty much me. The other day we were unpacking some stuff and I had to get down on my hands and knees and put some stuff away. Tony was standing behind me so I said, "just so you know, I am fully aware that I am showing my plumber's cleavage." His reply, "yeah, I was going to say something, but I figured you have enough problems to worry about already."
So the woman who cuts Tony's hair asked him if I'm eating more fruits and smoothies or eating more salty things like chips. When Tony replied definitely fruits (I suddenly can't get enough oranges, strawberries or apples in my mouth), she promptly replied - you're having a girl! So there you have it. I might even cancel my ultrasound at the end of the month.
I have one (ONE!) pair of pants that still fit me. Sadly, I somehow lost them last week. I wore them Thursday night to our stake roadshow plays and on Friday, they were nowhere to be found. Tell me, how do you lose a pair of pants? On Saturday I finally asked Tony if he hid them from me. His reply: Honey, I hide your clothes from you all the time. I'm surprised you find them as often as you do.
(Later that day, I broke down and finally went maternity clothes shopping - painful!)
Since I work at home, I usually just wear sweats around the house. The elastic waistband does a belly good. But my belly is starting to protrude a bit which causes said elastic to slide down. So those pants those silly teenage boys wear that hang down so low? That's pretty much me. The other day we were unpacking some stuff and I had to get down on my hands and knees and put some stuff away. Tony was standing behind me so I said, "just so you know, I am fully aware that I am showing my plumber's cleavage." His reply, "yeah, I was going to say something, but I figured you have enough problems to worry about already."
Friday, April 2, 2010
Frequently Asked Questions
It’s funny how things backfire on me sometimes. For example, I’ve never enjoyed big birthday celebrations – I just don’t like the attention and everyone looking at me while they sing to me and I blow out candles. So I always brushed off suggestions for birthday celebrations. The result? More surprise birthday parties in the past dozen years than any person should have.
I really hadn’t planned on making a big announcement about being pregnant. I’ve just been telling people as I come into contact with them and a big Facebook type of announcement wasn’t in my plans. But when a seemingly innocent dream comment spurred several comments and even more FB messages to me, I decided to go Facebook public. And the number of comments, email and FB email messages since the big announcement has surprised me.
There have been a surprising number of questions – some of them the standard ones: when are you due and how do you feel? But there have been other questions that made me think I should probably document this amazing moment in my life.
So, at the risk of talking about myself too much (but what else do blogs do?), here are some thoughts and answers to those questions…it's rather long and detailed, so I won't be offended (and I won't even know) if you don't read it at all or stop reading after this paragraph. It's mostly for the sake of documentation afterall.
1. I am due on September 17th. I’m at 17 weeks now. However, because the doctor said “anytime in September”, I am visualizing September 2nd – my brother Trent’s birthday (sorry dad, but Sept 25th is just too far out there).
2. I am feeling better on most days. For several weeks I was violently ill in the evenings and I was feeling, well, like crap. I get sick in the evenings and lately only about 3 times a week. Although I did vomit 5 times last night.
3. I am definitely sleeping for 2.
4. I am 44 years old and this is my first baby which makes me high risk. Higher risk than most of the other 40-ish year old Mormon women who have had their 5th or 6th baby in their 40’s. But we’ve heard the heartbeat (a milestone which signals a significant reduction in miscarriage risk) and my doctor is keeping a pretty good eye on me. There’s still risk of miscarriage or downs syndrome, but we’re taking it day by day.
5. I have a huge fear of our baby having Downs.
6. We didn’t use any fertility methods. When we got married, I was 42 and we decided on the “Que Sera Sera” birth control method. After a year or so, we figured it wasn’t in the cards for us and I stopped tracking my cycle.
7. We actually were looking forward to adoption as a way to bring children into our family. I really thought (and still do) that we were meant to bring orphaned children into our home. By the time Tony was 22, both of Tony’s parents passed away. His mom passed away when he was 17. So he spent most of his adult life without a mom and a dad and it was really hard on him.
Four years ago I went on my first humanitarian trip with Southern Cross to the Sunflower Orphanage and absolutely fell head over heels in love with the children there. Becoming involved with helping those children helped fill a hole in my life. I was happy and content except I craved that feeling of caring for children. And helping improve lives of impoverished children…I felt completely satiated.
So I actually hoped we would end up adopting rather than having our own children. It’s hard for me to write this because it makes me feel ungrateful and unworthy. There are people VERY close to me who have struggled for years with childlessness and it absolutely breaks my heart. It’s very hard for me to explain, but while I am so very grateful for this baby, I’m also sad we’ve postponed our adoption plans.
We had actually started the foster adoption process when we found out I was pregnant and emailing the social worker we’d been talking to and telling them we needed to postpone our plans was heart wrenching. We considered continuing the foster adoption process, but the social worker strongly advised against it. We quickly saw her wisdom.
8. Yes, we are excited. I was admittedly, a bit freaked out when we found out (there’s an old blog posting about that if you want to torture yourself). I was in shock and a bit of denial – mostly because I was scared because I felt so dang old. But we are excited.
9. We don’t know yet whether we’re having a boy or girl, but we will DEFINITELY find out. We’re not the “want to be surprised” types. Tony wants a girl. I would like a boy. How’s that for mixed up? But I think we’re having a girl.
10. Tony has been simply amazing. He does 100% of the cooking, shopping, 90% of the laundry and cleaning. What do I do you ask? I work and pretty much sleep. Two days ago I mentioned that something in the fridge smelled (I have this amazing bionic nose now!) and the next morning he was up early and had completely cleaned out and disinfected the fridge, mopped the floor. The kitchen was spotless. I can think of a dozen things he does for me EVERY day. Last night he made homemade fruit leather because I can eat it without yacking. Sadly, I can’t think of many things I’ve done just for him lately (well, except grow his baby inside me).
11. I know everyone can’t wait for the time they put your newborn baby in your arms for the first time, but I can’t wait to see Tony hold our baby for the first time. Just thinking about it makes me cry (I’m tearing up right now).
12. Which leads me to the next topic. I really haven’t been that hormonal except I cry at the drop of a hat. But no temper, no extra moodiness. I just cry at every commercial or any sad thing. Last time I flew home, I was in the SLC airport and there were 2 missionaries returning home. I saw them and started WEEPING just imagining their homecoming. It’s not pretty.
13. Names. My family has a tradition of giving a Japanese middle name. Tony’s mom name is Kim so I’d like the middle name to be Kimiko. We’ll see. We can’t come up with many boy names, but we do like Ryan or girl names Sarah or Ellie. We have a huge family so pretty much every name has been used at least once.
14. I’m completely in love with this baby in my tummy. Right now I call her Sarah.
I really hadn’t planned on making a big announcement about being pregnant. I’ve just been telling people as I come into contact with them and a big Facebook type of announcement wasn’t in my plans. But when a seemingly innocent dream comment spurred several comments and even more FB messages to me, I decided to go Facebook public. And the number of comments, email and FB email messages since the big announcement has surprised me.
There have been a surprising number of questions – some of them the standard ones: when are you due and how do you feel? But there have been other questions that made me think I should probably document this amazing moment in my life.
So, at the risk of talking about myself too much (but what else do blogs do?), here are some thoughts and answers to those questions…it's rather long and detailed, so I won't be offended (and I won't even know) if you don't read it at all or stop reading after this paragraph. It's mostly for the sake of documentation afterall.
1. I am due on September 17th. I’m at 17 weeks now. However, because the doctor said “anytime in September”, I am visualizing September 2nd – my brother Trent’s birthday (sorry dad, but Sept 25th is just too far out there).
2. I am feeling better on most days. For several weeks I was violently ill in the evenings and I was feeling, well, like crap. I get sick in the evenings and lately only about 3 times a week. Although I did vomit 5 times last night.
3. I am definitely sleeping for 2.
4. I am 44 years old and this is my first baby which makes me high risk. Higher risk than most of the other 40-ish year old Mormon women who have had their 5th or 6th baby in their 40’s. But we’ve heard the heartbeat (a milestone which signals a significant reduction in miscarriage risk) and my doctor is keeping a pretty good eye on me. There’s still risk of miscarriage or downs syndrome, but we’re taking it day by day.
5. I have a huge fear of our baby having Downs.
6. We didn’t use any fertility methods. When we got married, I was 42 and we decided on the “Que Sera Sera” birth control method. After a year or so, we figured it wasn’t in the cards for us and I stopped tracking my cycle.
7. We actually were looking forward to adoption as a way to bring children into our family. I really thought (and still do) that we were meant to bring orphaned children into our home. By the time Tony was 22, both of Tony’s parents passed away. His mom passed away when he was 17. So he spent most of his adult life without a mom and a dad and it was really hard on him.
Four years ago I went on my first humanitarian trip with Southern Cross to the Sunflower Orphanage and absolutely fell head over heels in love with the children there. Becoming involved with helping those children helped fill a hole in my life. I was happy and content except I craved that feeling of caring for children. And helping improve lives of impoverished children…I felt completely satiated.
So I actually hoped we would end up adopting rather than having our own children. It’s hard for me to write this because it makes me feel ungrateful and unworthy. There are people VERY close to me who have struggled for years with childlessness and it absolutely breaks my heart. It’s very hard for me to explain, but while I am so very grateful for this baby, I’m also sad we’ve postponed our adoption plans.
We had actually started the foster adoption process when we found out I was pregnant and emailing the social worker we’d been talking to and telling them we needed to postpone our plans was heart wrenching. We considered continuing the foster adoption process, but the social worker strongly advised against it. We quickly saw her wisdom.
8. Yes, we are excited. I was admittedly, a bit freaked out when we found out (there’s an old blog posting about that if you want to torture yourself). I was in shock and a bit of denial – mostly because I was scared because I felt so dang old. But we are excited.
9. We don’t know yet whether we’re having a boy or girl, but we will DEFINITELY find out. We’re not the “want to be surprised” types. Tony wants a girl. I would like a boy. How’s that for mixed up? But I think we’re having a girl.
10. Tony has been simply amazing. He does 100% of the cooking, shopping, 90% of the laundry and cleaning. What do I do you ask? I work and pretty much sleep. Two days ago I mentioned that something in the fridge smelled (I have this amazing bionic nose now!) and the next morning he was up early and had completely cleaned out and disinfected the fridge, mopped the floor. The kitchen was spotless. I can think of a dozen things he does for me EVERY day. Last night he made homemade fruit leather because I can eat it without yacking. Sadly, I can’t think of many things I’ve done just for him lately (well, except grow his baby inside me).
11. I know everyone can’t wait for the time they put your newborn baby in your arms for the first time, but I can’t wait to see Tony hold our baby for the first time. Just thinking about it makes me cry (I’m tearing up right now).
12. Which leads me to the next topic. I really haven’t been that hormonal except I cry at the drop of a hat. But no temper, no extra moodiness. I just cry at every commercial or any sad thing. Last time I flew home, I was in the SLC airport and there were 2 missionaries returning home. I saw them and started WEEPING just imagining their homecoming. It’s not pretty.
13. Names. My family has a tradition of giving a Japanese middle name. Tony’s mom name is Kim so I’d like the middle name to be Kimiko. We’ll see. We can’t come up with many boy names, but we do like Ryan or girl names Sarah or Ellie. We have a huge family so pretty much every name has been used at least once.
14. I’m completely in love with this baby in my tummy. Right now I call her Sarah.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
happy birthday mom!
Thought I'd do a pictorial tribute to my charming mother...happy birthday mom. You are seriously the BEST mom we could ever ask for. Here are some of my favorite pics of my mom...in no particular order.
Mom and Tony on our wedding day. Below is mom with a little Peruvian baby when we did newborn training with the women from the local village. Children love mom as much as she loves them.
Almost every year we run the Race for the Cure for mom - Brian, Rei, Janelle, me, Trent.
Mom in her day job - Children's Librarian. Can you see her red rudolph nose and antlers?
Mom likes to surprise the grandkids and fly out on Halloween. A few years back, she was the Snow Princess.
Building sandcastles in So. Cal with Brixen, Sienna and Jack.
My personal favorite, mom and dad at Racquel's graduation (double masters degrees!). To be fair, we were about 2 hours early, but really, this is a Ken and Carolyn classic.
Mom and Dad with Grandma Mano. Three of my favorite people.
More favorite people...Mom with Grandpa Inouye and her siblings - Jay, Ron, Vicki, Gerry, Grandpa, Mom, Donna.
I grew up with mom making wedding cakes. She's officially retired now, but still does cakes for the nieces and nephews (Mary Ann's cake).
Last, but not least, mom and Auntie Gerry rockin out. This pretty much says it all. I have the funnest, coolest mom. She is talented, loved by SO many and amazing in more ways that I could ever say. I LOVE YOU MOM!!
Friday, March 12, 2010
In Memory of Tony Peers
February seems like a blur. A lot happened that I really should at least document so I don’t forget. I spent the better part of the month traveling – New York, California, High Point and a quick two-day trip to a cabin with my family. We also moved back into our newly remodeled home. How’s that for a month’s worth of activities.
But the event that I truly don’t want to forget is our dear friend Tony Peers’ funeral. Tony is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in December just before Christmas and she passed away at home with her children and husband around her on January 30th. We flew to California for her memorial and we’re so very glad we did. All five of her children spoke at the funeral – they are beautiful kids with so much faith. Her husband Steve wrote one of the most heart-wrenching talks (read by a niece). He said that after Tony was diagnosed and they knew her time would be short, they went to the temple. As they sat in the Celestial Room, Steve told her that seeing her enter the Celestial Room was the 3rd most beautiful vision he’ll ever see. Tony had a puzzled look on her face so he explained…
The first most beautiful vision he’s ever seen was the day they were married and Steve brought Tony into the Celestial Room. He then told her the second most beautiful will be when he passes away and sees Tony again and that today is the third most beautiful vision he’ll ever see.
See what I mean? Heart. Wrenching.
Tony’s best friend, Jana Rains also spoke. Her talk was so inspiring to me, that I emailed Jana for the talk. I’ve read it a few times, and if anyone out there is interested, it’s a beautiful read. Enjoy.
Tony’s Memorial
2/6/2010
We are all here today because, in one way or another, we’ve each been loved and touched and taught by Tony. Every person here has their own specific list of things they learned from her, but she and Steve asked me if I would share my list with you.
First, Tony was Tony by design. She may have been born with a buoyant nature, but as a child, she was shy and self-conscious. At an early age, however, she made the choice not to self protect, not to hide behind that barricade. She decided that the best defense was a good offense. Tony chose to practice a kind of fearless love. She had carefully determined that this particular selflessness and fearless love was a chief component of true joy. And so she deliberately fashioned her life to be a blessing to every single person she met. As a result, Tony had a million “best friends”. She knew the name and life history of her UPS man, her dry cleaner, her milk man and even the random people she met in parking lots.
This is because Tony chose Love over Fear and Love over self interest in every instance. She understood to her very core that the gospel of Jesus Christ is first and foremost a gospel of love and joy and peace. She understood that truly living that gospel is not the disciplined observance of a chore list of righteous deeds, but rather a simple change of the heart--turning it outwards . She also understood that there is tremendous power available to those who love without reservation and without thought of self.
Tony taught me that it is possible to let Love change my very nature and knowing this gives me tremendous hope and it gives me courage too.
Second, Tony believed in and practiced magic. As a natural cynic--I spend a lot of time sniping and wringing my hands--but Tony taught me that there is actual magic in optimism. She taught me that one of the governing principles of the universe is that heaven delights in delight.
When we were together, I was always astonished at the lengths people went to to help Tony do what she wanted to do. I came to understand that her delight was so infectious that other people just wanted in on it. People liked helping her. The universe liked helping her. I used to tease her that at any given moment at least six people were being ax murdered because their guardian angels were off helping Tony get to the airport on time.
She absolutely knew that life was delightful and that the whole universe was rooting for her success. And I watched heaven come through for Tony a thousand times in big ways and small. I really don’t think she believed in coincidence or happenstance--it was all magic. It was all miracle. And over the course of our friendship, she made me a true believer.
Tony wasn’t chained to facts of any kind and simply discarded those that didn’t suit her. She reinvented her history every time she told a story (and that made her a superb storyteller). I teased her all the time about the alternate dimension that the Peers family lived in, but I ultimately learned from Tony that her Rose Colored glasses were really corrective lenses.
Tony saw life in a much truer way than I. She understood the fact that reality is just a lot more organic and complex and fluid than our little peep-hole perceptions of it. She knew that the way to make magic happen was to expect it and to look for it and then be completely delighted when it happened.
Third, Tony taught me every important thing I know about real faith--about it’s nature and its power. She practiced a radical indifference to things that don’t matter and completely consecrated herself to those things that do. She made sure that she and God were always on the same page--that her will was aligned with his--then she did all she could possibly do and then let go and fully expected heaven to fill in where she fell short.
Tony’s faith also led her to understand the nature and worth of Dark Blessings--that just because something hurts or is hard or seems impossible to bear does not necessarily mean its not a blessing. Sometimes these dark blessings are really just the price we pay to become acquainted with God.
She also knew that some of the best blessings are bought at a price and that the greatest blessings can be purchased only with sacrifice. Tony has sacrificed what is absolutely most dear to her--precious time with her family. Her family has sacrificed what is absolutely most dear to them--the light of their home, their Tony.
I know for a fact that Tony would want me to tell her beloved family to look for big things. Her faith would tell you all to look for big things. Look for the blessings and miracles this heartache has bought you.
Lastly, Tony was the only person I’ve ever known well who had a pure heart. She was guileless. In all our escapades and travels and a thousand hours of conversation, I’ve never ever heard her say one unkind thing. How completely remarkable is that!
It wasn’t because she was pious or disciplined--it was because she simply could not see evil in anyone. Tony’s goodness was not something she put on like a new outfit--it was merely the manifestation of a pure heart.
In the Book of Matthew Christ says, “Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God”. And Tony saw God. She saw God everywhere. She saw him in every situation, in every circumstance, in every human face. In fact, we are all here today, because somehow Tony looked past all of our quirks and flaws and she saw God in each one of us. Tony saw God everywhere.
Tony knew the secret of a joyful life is faith, hope and charity. Her life here on earth was a testament to the fact that the secret works. I know for a fact that she viewed this next phase of her life as a tremendous adventure full of thrilling possibilities. I know that the angels are greeting her as one of their own and with as much enthusiasm and love and delight as all of her legions of friends feel for her and that she will fit right in. No one will have an easier adjustment to heaven than Tony.
Unfortunately, Tony’s taken her effervescence and delight with her and we are left with this huge hole in our hearts. But I think the best way to fill that hole--to honor Tony and the holiest way to remember her, is to fill our own lives the the faith, the hope and the fearless love that she modeled. When the standard bearer falls, it is incumbent upon those close to pick the flag up off the field and carry it forward.
At the end of the movie “Camelot”, King Arthur looks out over the sea and says, “There are billions of drops of water in the ocean, but only a few sparkle.” We were all lucky enough to know one of those, and to have had our hearts changed as a result.
Tony promised me that if I would do this, she would be here today--and really, where else would she be--all the people she loves are here. And so Tony, before you head off to parts unknown, to do whatever it is that you’ve been called to do--I just want to tell you thank you.
But the event that I truly don’t want to forget is our dear friend Tony Peers’ funeral. Tony is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in December just before Christmas and she passed away at home with her children and husband around her on January 30th. We flew to California for her memorial and we’re so very glad we did. All five of her children spoke at the funeral – they are beautiful kids with so much faith. Her husband Steve wrote one of the most heart-wrenching talks (read by a niece). He said that after Tony was diagnosed and they knew her time would be short, they went to the temple. As they sat in the Celestial Room, Steve told her that seeing her enter the Celestial Room was the 3rd most beautiful vision he’ll ever see. Tony had a puzzled look on her face so he explained…
The first most beautiful vision he’s ever seen was the day they were married and Steve brought Tony into the Celestial Room. He then told her the second most beautiful will be when he passes away and sees Tony again and that today is the third most beautiful vision he’ll ever see.
See what I mean? Heart. Wrenching.
Tony’s best friend, Jana Rains also spoke. Her talk was so inspiring to me, that I emailed Jana for the talk. I’ve read it a few times, and if anyone out there is interested, it’s a beautiful read. Enjoy.
Tony’s Memorial
2/6/2010
We are all here today because, in one way or another, we’ve each been loved and touched and taught by Tony. Every person here has their own specific list of things they learned from her, but she and Steve asked me if I would share my list with you.
First, Tony was Tony by design. She may have been born with a buoyant nature, but as a child, she was shy and self-conscious. At an early age, however, she made the choice not to self protect, not to hide behind that barricade. She decided that the best defense was a good offense. Tony chose to practice a kind of fearless love. She had carefully determined that this particular selflessness and fearless love was a chief component of true joy. And so she deliberately fashioned her life to be a blessing to every single person she met. As a result, Tony had a million “best friends”. She knew the name and life history of her UPS man, her dry cleaner, her milk man and even the random people she met in parking lots.
This is because Tony chose Love over Fear and Love over self interest in every instance. She understood to her very core that the gospel of Jesus Christ is first and foremost a gospel of love and joy and peace. She understood that truly living that gospel is not the disciplined observance of a chore list of righteous deeds, but rather a simple change of the heart--turning it outwards . She also understood that there is tremendous power available to those who love without reservation and without thought of self.
Tony taught me that it is possible to let Love change my very nature and knowing this gives me tremendous hope and it gives me courage too.
Second, Tony believed in and practiced magic. As a natural cynic--I spend a lot of time sniping and wringing my hands--but Tony taught me that there is actual magic in optimism. She taught me that one of the governing principles of the universe is that heaven delights in delight.
When we were together, I was always astonished at the lengths people went to to help Tony do what she wanted to do. I came to understand that her delight was so infectious that other people just wanted in on it. People liked helping her. The universe liked helping her. I used to tease her that at any given moment at least six people were being ax murdered because their guardian angels were off helping Tony get to the airport on time.
She absolutely knew that life was delightful and that the whole universe was rooting for her success. And I watched heaven come through for Tony a thousand times in big ways and small. I really don’t think she believed in coincidence or happenstance--it was all magic. It was all miracle. And over the course of our friendship, she made me a true believer.
Tony wasn’t chained to facts of any kind and simply discarded those that didn’t suit her. She reinvented her history every time she told a story (and that made her a superb storyteller). I teased her all the time about the alternate dimension that the Peers family lived in, but I ultimately learned from Tony that her Rose Colored glasses were really corrective lenses.
Tony saw life in a much truer way than I. She understood the fact that reality is just a lot more organic and complex and fluid than our little peep-hole perceptions of it. She knew that the way to make magic happen was to expect it and to look for it and then be completely delighted when it happened.
Third, Tony taught me every important thing I know about real faith--about it’s nature and its power. She practiced a radical indifference to things that don’t matter and completely consecrated herself to those things that do. She made sure that she and God were always on the same page--that her will was aligned with his--then she did all she could possibly do and then let go and fully expected heaven to fill in where she fell short.
Tony’s faith also led her to understand the nature and worth of Dark Blessings--that just because something hurts or is hard or seems impossible to bear does not necessarily mean its not a blessing. Sometimes these dark blessings are really just the price we pay to become acquainted with God.
She also knew that some of the best blessings are bought at a price and that the greatest blessings can be purchased only with sacrifice. Tony has sacrificed what is absolutely most dear to her--precious time with her family. Her family has sacrificed what is absolutely most dear to them--the light of their home, their Tony.
I know for a fact that Tony would want me to tell her beloved family to look for big things. Her faith would tell you all to look for big things. Look for the blessings and miracles this heartache has bought you.
Lastly, Tony was the only person I’ve ever known well who had a pure heart. She was guileless. In all our escapades and travels and a thousand hours of conversation, I’ve never ever heard her say one unkind thing. How completely remarkable is that!
It wasn’t because she was pious or disciplined--it was because she simply could not see evil in anyone. Tony’s goodness was not something she put on like a new outfit--it was merely the manifestation of a pure heart.
In the Book of Matthew Christ says, “Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God”. And Tony saw God. She saw God everywhere. She saw him in every situation, in every circumstance, in every human face. In fact, we are all here today, because somehow Tony looked past all of our quirks and flaws and she saw God in each one of us. Tony saw God everywhere.
Tony knew the secret of a joyful life is faith, hope and charity. Her life here on earth was a testament to the fact that the secret works. I know for a fact that she viewed this next phase of her life as a tremendous adventure full of thrilling possibilities. I know that the angels are greeting her as one of their own and with as much enthusiasm and love and delight as all of her legions of friends feel for her and that she will fit right in. No one will have an easier adjustment to heaven than Tony.
Unfortunately, Tony’s taken her effervescence and delight with her and we are left with this huge hole in our hearts. But I think the best way to fill that hole--to honor Tony and the holiest way to remember her, is to fill our own lives the the faith, the hope and the fearless love that she modeled. When the standard bearer falls, it is incumbent upon those close to pick the flag up off the field and carry it forward.
At the end of the movie “Camelot”, King Arthur looks out over the sea and says, “There are billions of drops of water in the ocean, but only a few sparkle.” We were all lucky enough to know one of those, and to have had our hearts changed as a result.
Tony promised me that if I would do this, she would be here today--and really, where else would she be--all the people she loves are here. And so Tony, before you head off to parts unknown, to do whatever it is that you’ve been called to do--I just want to tell you thank you.
Friday, January 22, 2010
save the date
(warning: this post has several references to bodily functions, but I was really trying to capture the female wackiness I was experiencing. It might be a little early to post this, but I really think Amy is the only person who reads this, so I think our situation is safe.)
I think I’m still in shock. After a week, my suspicions were confirmed today. We are pregnant.
For a week now, I’ve noticed little signs – waves of nausea that come and go at night. My boobs have been really sore and I even think they’re bigger. I feel really bloated and I pee a lot. That’s a lot of personal information to put in writing, but computers are made for editing down the road…
We took a couple of generic brand pregnancy tests – there was a faded “plus” sign – the vertical line was bright, but the horizontal line was faint and the instructions said this meant “inconclusive”. Then we splurged on the EPT brand (I’ve hit a new level of cheapness when I want to save money on a pregnancy test – but in my defense, they’re $20 for two EPT tests!…but I digress).
The result was the same as the generic brand – bright vertical line, faint horizontal line, but a “plus” still the same. And EPT is much more confident about this grey area – a plus by any shade is still a plus.
Four faint positive pregnancy tests later, I couldn’t take the uncertainty and made an appointment for a pregnancy test. I remember hearing the word “positive”. I remember asking if she was sure. And I remember the word “definitely.” That’s when I went into shock.
Not that we don’t want children – we really do, but we weren’t prepared for this. After a year and a half of the Que Sera Sera method, we really didn’t think we would get pregnant. I was happily searching adoption, foster care and other options. Those routes were just as meaningful and fulfilling to me as having our own birth children.
Actually, my emotional status each month as my cycle approached was as unpredictable as it was just plain wacky. About a week before my period was due, I would start panicking that I was pregnant. I started getting scared about having a baby at age 44 – about whether this old body was up to the task, about sleep deprivation at a stage where I’ve FINALLY overcome my insomnia (well, about 75% of the time which is a VAST improvement), and so on.
And then my period would start and instead of being relieved, I would be sad. Sometimes very sad. Sometimes just a little. And then I’d go look up the dates of my next fertile opportunity. Then I would wonder, if I was this wacky sans pregnancy hormones, what kind of Jekyl and Hyde creature would emerge should the fertility gods smile upon us?
We will soon find out.
But after a brief denial stage, I am happy and excited…and scared and nervous. And man, am I peeing a lot.
p.s. save the date for September 17th!
(originally written January 12, 2010 at around 3am)
I think I’m still in shock. After a week, my suspicions were confirmed today. We are pregnant.
For a week now, I’ve noticed little signs – waves of nausea that come and go at night. My boobs have been really sore and I even think they’re bigger. I feel really bloated and I pee a lot. That’s a lot of personal information to put in writing, but computers are made for editing down the road…
We took a couple of generic brand pregnancy tests – there was a faded “plus” sign – the vertical line was bright, but the horizontal line was faint and the instructions said this meant “inconclusive”. Then we splurged on the EPT brand (I’ve hit a new level of cheapness when I want to save money on a pregnancy test – but in my defense, they’re $20 for two EPT tests!…but I digress).
The result was the same as the generic brand – bright vertical line, faint horizontal line, but a “plus” still the same. And EPT is much more confident about this grey area – a plus by any shade is still a plus.Four faint positive pregnancy tests later, I couldn’t take the uncertainty and made an appointment for a pregnancy test. I remember hearing the word “positive”. I remember asking if she was sure. And I remember the word “definitely.” That’s when I went into shock.
Not that we don’t want children – we really do, but we weren’t prepared for this. After a year and a half of the Que Sera Sera method, we really didn’t think we would get pregnant. I was happily searching adoption, foster care and other options. Those routes were just as meaningful and fulfilling to me as having our own birth children.
Actually, my emotional status each month as my cycle approached was as unpredictable as it was just plain wacky. About a week before my period was due, I would start panicking that I was pregnant. I started getting scared about having a baby at age 44 – about whether this old body was up to the task, about sleep deprivation at a stage where I’ve FINALLY overcome my insomnia (well, about 75% of the time which is a VAST improvement), and so on.
And then my period would start and instead of being relieved, I would be sad. Sometimes very sad. Sometimes just a little. And then I’d go look up the dates of my next fertile opportunity. Then I would wonder, if I was this wacky sans pregnancy hormones, what kind of Jekyl and Hyde creature would emerge should the fertility gods smile upon us?
We will soon find out.
But after a brief denial stage, I am happy and excited…and scared and nervous. And man, am I peeing a lot.
p.s. save the date for September 17th!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
disappointment
Last Sunday I taught my Mia Maid girls about trials. Personally, I thought it was a good lesson. We talked about the earthquake in Haiti, the impoverished family in Peru that we’re helping, and lots of other things. We made a list of different trials that people experience. We came up with 15 different trials including abuse, addiction, emotional disorders, natural disasters, divorce and family relationship problems, etc. Then I asked each of the girls to raise their hand if they knew one person who has experienced one of these trials. They kept their hands up as I raised the ante…two trials, three trials, four…
Every one of the girls had their hands up through 14 and some had their hands up for all 15 of the trials. Then I asked them how many of those trials they thought they might possibly go through. They said “all of them”.
But it wasn’t a sad lesson. In fact, when I played the devil’s advocate and asked them why Heavenly Father would let these things happen to them, one of them said, “suffering isn’t punishment, it’s a test”. I almost cried at the faith of these girls. Some of them have had some tough trials already in their young lives and the temptations they have to deal with are so much different than when I was their age.
So a few days later, I’m dealing with my own disappointment. It isn’t anywhere close to what those poor people in Hai
ti are suffering, but it has my head spinning and I’m struggling not to become angry. I received an email yesterday informing me that we aren’t going to be able to bring Adriel here to go to school. I don’t fully understand the reasons. All I understand is there is a young man who deserves everything the world has to offer and we can’t help him.
Part of me wants to fight. I think we could win. But in my prayers last night, when I said I would do whatever Heavenly Father wants me to, I meant it.
Instead of fighting to bring Adriel here, we are going to start working on getting him on a mission when he turns 19 in December. And that, I sincerely believe, is His will.
Every one of the girls had their hands up through 14 and some had their hands up for all 15 of the trials. Then I asked them how many of those trials they thought they might possibly go through. They said “all of them”.
But it wasn’t a sad lesson. In fact, when I played the devil’s advocate and asked them why Heavenly Father would let these things happen to them, one of them said, “suffering isn’t punishment, it’s a test”. I almost cried at the faith of these girls. Some of them have had some tough trials already in their young lives and the temptations they have to deal with are so much different than when I was their age.
So a few days later, I’m dealing with my own disappointment. It isn’t anywhere close to what those poor people in Hai
ti are suffering, but it has my head spinning and I’m struggling not to become angry. I received an email yesterday informing me that we aren’t going to be able to bring Adriel here to go to school. I don’t fully understand the reasons. All I understand is there is a young man who deserves everything the world has to offer and we can’t help him.Part of me wants to fight. I think we could win. But in my prayers last night, when I said I would do whatever Heavenly Father wants me to, I meant it.
Instead of fighting to bring Adriel here, we are going to start working on getting him on a mission when he turns 19 in December. And that, I sincerely believe, is His will.
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