grateful

The first Sunday of every month is "Fast and Testimony" meeting at my church.  On that day, the members of my faith fast for two meals and at church, they have the opportunity to stand and bear their testimony of their faith.  On Fast and Testimony day in November, both Tony and I stood and talked of faith and gratitude and bid our fellow church members good-bye as we thought we would be moving to North Carolina in a few weeks.  My boss called the very next day to tell me that they had not only changed their mind about relocating me to North Carolina, but that they were terminating me.

In my testimony the previous day, I talked about a Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) that I had had several years ago when I lived in San Francisco.  That Bishop was a colorful kind of guy - an undercover FBI agent that was certainly rough around the edges.  He didn't fit the typical mold of a Mormon Bishop and I loved that about him. 

He told me about how he was talking to a woman on a plane who was a different religion and they got into a bit of a doctrinal discussion.  That woman believed that she was saved by grace alone.  Mormons believe that we are saved by grace and works - we do everything we can to live a Christ-like life and then grace takes up the slack.  (I see beauty in both doctrines and I'm not here to debate them.)

At the end of the discussion, my Bishop asked this woman this question:  If you are saved by grace alone, what motivates you to follow Christ?  Her answer humbled him to the core.  With a look of amazement on her face, she simply said:  "why, because I'm so grateful."

I love that. Her motivation in life wasn't to obey commandments so she would be blessed.  Her motivation was gratitude, pure and simple.  I've often thought about this woman and I admire her for her level of gratitude.

And I wish my gratitude was that strong. I wish gratitude was my motivating factor in my life.  I think about how my relationship with my Heavenly Father would be different if I thanked him in continual prayer for everything (instead of a continual prayer of requests).  I think about how my relationship with my friends and family would be if I continually thanked them for every thing they did for me.  I think about how my relationship with my husband would be if gratitude were my sole motivation in my marriage.

Tony and I started a tradition a few years ago writing in Gratitude Journals.  Instead of writing in our own personal journal about things we were grateful for, I wrote in a Tony's journal and he wrote in mine.  Sadly, we have not kept that tradition going, but today I intend to revive that.  I will write in Tony's gratitude journal about something I am grateful for and leave it on his bedside table for him to find and expect nothing in return.

Feelings and expressions without any conditions or expectations. 
That's what gratitude is anyway right?

Ryan and Anna

Ryan and Anna.  Sometimes they go together like apple pie and ice cream.  They love to play together these days and it really does warm my heart to hear Ryan say, "I want to play with Anna."  But sometimes that ice cream melts and we're left with sloppy mess.

Just this morning, I asked Ryan if he could play with Anna without fighting and he answered in a very serious tone, "no."  Well, at least he is honest.

And a quick update on the employment front.  Monday is my first day working on a three month consulting job that I think I'm going to love doing.  It's working on an operations project that probably sounds really boring to a lot of you, but it's something that I love to do - even more than the business development/sales management and marketing.  So I feel much more relaxed and I'm actually able to spend time enjoying my kids. 

But I'll tell you, I take my hat off to all you stay-at-home moms out there.  I've had my kids home a lot with me over the past two weeks and sometimes I thought I was going to go crazy. 

I also realize that especially in this Thanksgiving season, I have so much to be grateful for.  And at the top of the list is friends and family who have helped us along this rocky year and who have been there for us.

So thank you!  We are happy, healthy and are progressing.  And I fully believe that it is our prayers and yours that have helped us to get through the rough times.

an update

As I mentioned in my last post, we are no longer moving to North Carolina.  It was a sudden change - one day we were packing, getting the house ready to rent and the next day we were unemployed.  Yes, unemployed.  It's been a huge shock to us and the reason I haven't written about it is...well, I really don't know what to write.  I probably shouldn't relate to much except that my boss simply changed his mind.

We had already signed a lease to rent out our SLC home (which luckily we were able to get out of) and were about to sign a lease for a fabulous home in High Point to rent.  I was actually really excited about moving - partly because of the house I found.  It was on an acre lot and had nothing but trees and grass around us.  Well, there were neighbors, but it seemed very remote and country like, except it wasn't.  But that is a moot point at this stage.

So what are we doing?  Looking for jobs.  Because Tony was doing contract work for my company, we are both looking for jobs now.  It's great fun (yes, you read sarcasm in that).

We are surviving and trying to look at the positive.  I will admit that I have had a really hard time.  It's been a tough year because we've had the uncertainty of this relocation hanging over us for almost the entire year.  It has made us push our adoption as fast as we could, it was the reason we had Anna's surgery done as quickly as we did and it was the driving force in many of the decisions we made.  In the past year we have dealt with adoption, a relocation across the country, cancer and now unemployment.  I'm also still battling medical insurance which again, is great fun.

It all means I haven't been sleeping a whole lot.  And it also means that I have to rely a lot on faith, prayer and hope.  Something that I'm not very good at at this moment.  But I'm trying to be.

So stay tuned, because it isn't all bad.  It is the month of giving thanks after all and I have been doing just that.  Plus I have lots of cute pictures of Ryan and Anna to post.  They are becoming great friends (in between all the fights) and it is fun and cute to watch.

So thanks for the love, prayers and support.  It is both needed and appreciated.

Natalie

a panda and a cowboy

As per our usual, a lot has been happening around here.  I'm not quite ready to write about it, but suffice it to say we are no longer moving to North Carolina.  I am one part relieved and one part something else.  It's that something else that I should write about in a not to distant future.

But for now, I thought I'd post some Halloween pictures before Thanksgiving Day.  Here is our little panda bear and our little cowboy.

Ryan's cowboy costume is actually a costume that my brother Brian originally wore...ummm....a few years ago.  Then my brother Trent wore it, then my sister's boys and now Ryan.  Ryan wore it last Halloween too but because life is so crazy for us, I decided to take the easy (lazy) route and reuse the cowboy costume.  And the panda costume is Ryan's from two years ago but it seemed perfect for our little Chinese addition to our family.

On Wednesday we went to our church Trunk or Treat activity and after the trunk or treat portion, we were went inside the church building for dinner and a children's costume parade.  When it was Ryan and Anna's turn, I told Ryan to hold Anna's hand and walk across the stage.  They stood on that stage holding hands and stared out at the crowd and it was absolutely darling.  Unfortunately we didn't have our camera with us so you'll just have to believe me - they were cute!

Everyone has been asking me how Anna did on Halloween and I just reply:  great - just like she's doing with everything.  This little girl just adapts to everything and takes everything in stride.  So even when her mommy dresses her up in an animal costume, she just goes along and has fun.  And the trick or treating?  She had the grabbing candy thing down in about 2 seconds!
 
 

two months with Anna





Anna on Gotcha Day with a look of absolute terror on her face.





 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We're coming up on two months since we've had Anna and last night I was thinking how far she has come.  The day we received her, she was absolute terrified but what 18 month old wouldn't be?  It was heart breaking to see the scared look on her face.  But just a few days later, she had already adjusted to the idea that I was her mommy.  I was actually amazed at how quickly she became attached to me.  But, the attachment was only to me - she wouldn't go to anyone else and even if Tony was pushing her stroller, she had to hold my hand while I walked beside her.

 





Joy's favorite picture of us - like mother like daughter.





 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She would cry and cry if I even went to take a shower or walked away from her.  And she has a temper - tantrums are her specialty.  When we brought her home, she would still need to be in VERY close proximity to me and often needed to be touching me.  She would rub her lip and nose in a soothing habit whenever she was sad, mad, scared or even tired.







Anna attached to me as I worked...and rubbing her lip.



 



 

She still gets pretty grumpy at times like the time when we were in China and she wouldn't put her legs in the seat and sit in her stroller so I just kind of dumped her on top.  She just scowled. 





Miss Grumpy didn't want to sit in her stroller.

She still has her tantrums (she had the biggest fit today that I've ever seen - I'm hoping the anger dissipates by her teens!) but she is becoming much more adjusted to our family life. 

 

She loves Tony and in spite of the constant battle over toys, she adores Ryan.  And I noticed that she doesn't have fits if we leave the room, she can wander around the house without us being in the vicinity and she also doesn't rub her lip like she used to do - her soothing habit.  It may be the arm braces that broke that habit, but in any event, that need for constant soothing when she is distressed is gone.

 

She is developing a funny little personality too.  We catch her dancing to music and she loves to play and be teased.

 

So I'd say not bad for a mere two months, not bad.  I'd say we're past the attachment issues and are just working on boundaries oh, and that little temper of hers!

the capacity to love

I've been thinking about this post for a long time and while I don't have all my thoughts worked out, I think I need to write it for ME.

A few people have asked me if I love Anna as much as Ryan. 


I'm always taken back a bit when someone asks me if I love Anna as much as I love Ryan.  But instead of thinking about whether or not the question bugs me, I thought I would write about it because I think a lot of people might have the question.  So here goes...

I think it would be more honest if I said I love Anna in a different way than Ryan.  In some ways, I love her so much that it breaks my heart, like when I think of her past and her future and the challenges that she is going to have with her surgeries, speech therapy and dealing with the fact that she was abandoned.  Obviously, I don't have any of those types of feelings with Ryan since he is biological and doesn't have any special needs.  But I will say that on the day we received her, our "Gotcha Day" I thought my heart was going to burst with love for this little girl.





Anna on Gotcha Day after she finally stopped sobbing after her nanny left.

In other ways, I will admit that I have struggled with Anna.  But I think it has more to do with our life circumstances than anything.  Bringing her home, starting medical appointments a few days after being home, having surgery 2 weeks after bringing her home, my business trip last week and the biggie - moving across the country next month.  All of those have been extremely stressful and have not allowed me any downtime to just enjoy her and love her.  I've been so stressed with the kids fighting and getting ready for the biggest tradeshow of the year and finding renters and a place to live that I haven't been able to sit down each night and read a book with the kids or play with them.  I've been putting far too many movies on the TV to babysit them while I get things done.

When I think about Anna, I am amazed at how well she is doing.  She has totally attached to each of us.  I got home very late Wednesday night - it was actually around 2am Thursday morning.  And when she saw me Thursday morning, she lit up and called out "mama".  That melted my heart as much as when Ryan calls me "mommy." 

Anna was very fortunate to have a loving nanny who took good care of her.  Anna was very attached to this nanny.  And I will always be grateful for the amazing care she received while she was in China.  We have been struggling with boundaries though because she had a full-time nanny who cared for her round the clock.  I also think Anna got her way a lot.  But other than that, she has been great.  I've already mentioned what a great sleeper and eater she is!

And when I have moments of exhaustion and feelings of being overwhelmed, I think of my favorite scripture:  "Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that he may be filled with this love (charity)". 

Unfortunately for my little family, I have had to pray to be filled with love a LOT over the past month.  But it isn't just love for little Anna.  I've prayed for love for Ryan and Tony too. 

So do I love Anna as much as Ryan?  I would say absolutely yes but I also have to work at it just as I have to work at being a good mother and loving Ryan and being a good wife and loving Tony.  I believe we all have an unlimited capacity to love, the key is how hard we work at it.

But I will say that it feels like Anna has always been ours.  And most of all, with Anna, our family feels complete. 

mr. mom

I've been away in North Carolina on my business trip and I'm happy to report that I think everyone has survived.  The kids seem to be adjusting quite well, Anna and Tony are pretty tight these days and they seem to be thriving without me!

But I did have a very humorous phone exchange with Tony yesterday.  I called Tony Tuesday evening around 7pm Utah time and he answered the phone in a very rushed tone:  "Hi, I'm putting Anna to bed and Ryan is in the tub, can I call you back?"

An hour or so later, Tony called me back with one of the best Tony parenting stories I've heard to date!  Tony gave Anna a bath and got her dressed for bed.  Then he drained the tub, filled it with fresh bath water and it was Ryan's turn for a bath.  Ryan's in the tub for a few seconds and then points his finger and shrieks, "POO POO!  There's POO POO daddy!"  And there it was - a little present from Anna floating on a foam cut-out bath toy.

So Tony pulls Ryan out of the tub, scoops up the offending floater, puts all the toys in the sink to scrub down, disinfects the toys and the entire tub all while Ryan is running around the house in all his glory - naked and free as a bird.  Tony, meanwhile is praying that Ryan doesn't pee on the carpet.

As soon as Tony gets the tub cleaned up and refills it with water, he goes to corral naked boy and finds him "combing" Anna's hair with a piece of plastic train track.  I'm impressed that Tony has the calmness to give Ryan a comb and allow him to continue combing Anna's hair.

Tony has to chase naked Ryan around the house a bit because he is loving the naked bit but he finally catches him, puts him in the tub, puts Anna to sleep, then finishes Ryan's bath, puts him to bed and THEN, calls his wife to relate the tales of the evening.

I'm still laughing.