Hormone Induced Irrational Thoughts...a very bad combination

So I thought I had already gone through a couple of hormonal episodes (I cried when my niece Sienna got hurt and cry whenever I see any missionary returning home at the airport), but after this week, I realize I clearly had not.

At my last doctors appt almost a month ago, my doctor suggested I start counting my baby’s kicking and movement. She said I might notice a pattern – which I did. In the early morning hours, my baby will wake up and start moving. A lot. So I start the timer for 10 minutes and start counting. He’s moved as many as 18 times in 10 minutes, but it’s usually more like 14 or 15 times.

But last Sunday morning I woke up and something felt different. I just didn’t feel pregnant, which is a feeling that I’ve found is totally impossible to describe to say, a husband. I also didn’t feel our baby move at all. Since it was about 5:30 am, I thought he must still be sleeping. After a long while, I started panicking and went to drink some orange juice to get him going (as my doctor suggested). Still nothing. I couldn’t help myself and started crying, hands on my stomach, gently nudging this way and that way. Nothing. I decided a couple of hours wasn’t long enough to go get checked at the hospital, so I kept waiting for movement.

Then I felt a little flutter. Not the robust kick that I’m used to by now, but a flutter. In the next 10 minutes he shifted slightly again. I did the 10 minute timer over and over again but he never kicked more than 2 or 3 times in the 10 minute intervals. My doctor said to watch for drastic changes which is what I felt was happening, but the pregnancy websites said to get checked if he moved less than 10 times in 2 hours. He was moving that much at least. We decided to wait it out.

We went to church and I felt him move a few times which of course brought me to tears again. I spent the rest of the day napping, resting, hands on tummy and counting. By Monday he was back to normal – doing his morning back flips and tossing and turning in the middle of the night when I’m trying to sleep.

But I was still a wreck. Over the past 7 months, I’ve grown used to a little being inside of me. And I’ve fallen in love. Add the fact that I there’s a fairly good chance, this might be our one and only chance for a baby and it creates a recipe for a classic hormonal breakdown.

At church, friends came up and asked “how’s the baby?” and I would have to choke back tears and smile and say “great”. I cried during all the talks. I cried when I got home. And I was on the verge of tears for the next two days. On Tuesday, I finally broke down and started sobbing for no reason at all. My baby was moving lots and I felt fine physically – just a wreck emotionally. It was like I was mourning the loss of our baby but feeling him move at the same time. Irrational.

I am happy to report I have since gathered myself together and am now composed. I didn’t cry today when I heard the baby’s strong heartbeat at my doctor’s appointment. I didn’t cry when I told my doctor about my horrible day on Sunday. I didn’t cry when the doctor said, “everything looks great.”

But after my first brush with those hormones, I am completely amazed at the power they had over my tear ducts, my mind and my body.

Irrational Fears and Incomplete Thoughts #1

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything – and there are a lot of reasons for this. First is my current identity crisis. I wanted to write about something other than being pregnant, but I honestly couldn’t come up with anything...which is what launched my identity crisis. I worried that I was losing all sense of my former self (which I worked really hard at and was quite content with…imperfections and all). I worried that I would only be able to talk about pregnancy and babies and how would that go over when I was amongst the high society with whom I usually mingle? I worried that I would forget everything I worked hard for i.e. a career that I really do love.

The second reason (there are lots of others, but I’ll spare you) is actually the very thing I decided to write about. The title of today’s posting…Irrational Fears and Incomplete Thoughts. In a nutshell, I have a bad case of baby brain.

Irrational Fear # 2 (my identity crisis is irrational fear #1).

So last night I babysat my sister’s three kids and their cousin Alden. Alden is a great kid – a three year old who rarely complains, who always obeys and seldom cries.

Until last night.

We started out on a fine note. A hotdog picnic in their pop-up trailer, followed by playing outside and then cartoons on TV while I gave my sciatic nerve a rest on the sofa. Right when I was just about to get the kids ready for bed, Alden randomly started crying and saying he wanted his daddy. The problem was he was in a sorta panic mode and anytime I tried to talk to him or come near him to comfort him he started screaming. Like Stranger Danger screaming. What do you do in a situation like that? I surely didn’t know.

The problem was I didn’t know anyone’s phone numbers on Janelle’s in-law side. I called 411 for his parents’ and his grandparents numbers. I called and texted everyone I could think of who might have a Baird number. Finally Faceook pulled through (doesn’t it always?) and I called Alden’s dad who spoke to Alden and calmed him down.

Until he hung up the phone.

I finally called back his dad who decided to come and get him even though Janelle was due home in a bit. After 45 minutes of crying so hard I thought he was going to pass out, I gave up - mostly because I really didn't know what else to do. I thought all those years of being the oldest child of six prepared me for motherhood. I thought I would be able to come up with ways to amuse, nurture or distract children. I thought I would be a good mother.

Until last night.

The rational thought would be, he isn’t your child, doesn’t really know you, isn’t even related to you. It will be different with your baby. But I’ve learned when you’re pregnant, irrational often beats out the rational.

Don’t worry – I’m not freaked out or overly frightened. Just humbled and yes, a bit irrational. But what would you have done?