2010...a review. Part One: the remodel

We haven't sent out any Christmas cards yet...and as time marches on, it looks quite unlikely that we will. We've sent out half of Ryan's baby announcements. (If you want one, email me your address at nmano@yahoo.com and I'll send you one...it's really cute!) Most people thought that was our Christmas card and I'm fine with that.

It's too bad I didn't do a card though because 2010 was an eventful year. It started with the remodeling of our house. We moved out Thanksgiving weekend of 2009 and moved back in March of this year.

Here are some pics of the remodel. I might have posted some of these before on facebook (sorry if there are repeats).

Here are a few "before" pictures The "before pic" of our kitchen. Obviously Tony bought this house for the lot and the view! Our future family room. Digging out the foundation. New master bathroom. Master bedroom. View from our family room. Abby's paw prints in our new cement in the back porch.

Ryan's First Christmas

There's nothing like a new baby in the house to bring the holiday cheer. While Ryan didn't really know what was happening, we still enjoyed dressing him in his reindeer finest. And I think I might leave the Christmas tree up all year as it ranks in the top 3 baby sitters (my mom and Joy being the other two). Ryan can sit in his swing and look at the Christmas lights forever.

And since Ryan doesn't get the present thing yet, we only bought him one gift - my favorite children's book, "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom".

But the best present Ryan's received is a brand new cousin! Trent and Sarah had their little girl Charlotte on December 23rd. We're trying desperately to get over our colds so we can see little Charlotte.

With Charlotte's birth and Tom's new job, it truly has been a season of miracles.

Merry Christmas Tom

It's been an eventful and a bit of a tough week in terms of the Tom project. He was so desperately cold earlier in the week that we put him in a motel. At $60 a night, WE knew it couldn't be a long-term fix, but I don't think Tom did. After a couple of nights Tom called with great news. He had a very promising job interview on Thursday at noon.

As I mentioned before, Tom is very employable. He is your average middle-class American who is down on his luck. He has a good resume. And he found a former co-worker at this company who was happy to pass on his resume which resulted in the interview.

Up to this point Tony has taken care of most of the errands for Tom. Tony wanted to keep some distance between Tom and his family and home and while I really wanted to get involved, I respected Tony's wishes. But I was able to take some time off work to take Tom to his job interview yesterday so I was finally able to talk at length with him.

We decided to extend the motel stay another night so Tom would be well rested and confident for his job interview. But we told Tom we couldn't pay for any more nights so he had to check out of the motel when I picked him up.

When I saw Tom walk out of his motel room, I was shocked. He was dressed in a suit and tie and looked great. It wasn't just that he had a suit on or that his hair was slicked back. He had confidence. I could tell he felt great. And although he was upset about moving back into his van, he maintained that confidence.

We drove over to the lot where he's been living and it was pretty much how I envisioned it, but worse. It broke my heart to see him climb into his van in his suit. Mostly because I was the one who was playing the heavy. Tony wanted to pay for a months stay in the motel, but I put my foot down.

We then headed to the job interview. Tom wasn't nervous at all and he was very chatty. He knew he could do this job and he just felt good. I dropped him off and went to run a few errands. I was so SO nervous waiting for him that I had to say a prayer out loud. I asked Heavenly Father for His help. I asked Heavenly Father to do whatever He could to help Tom in his interviews. I asked Him to touch the interviewers hearts. I asked for a miracle.

And that prayer was answered. Tom got the job! We drove straight to the drug testing facility so he could start on Monday. It's a good job. It is a sales job that pays commission, but Tom has the exact experience he needs to do well. We were SO excited as Tom and I talked about the job, the possibilities, how this is the beginning of the beginning.

And then I took him back to his van. I felt awful. Yet, I felt like it wasn't quite the right thing to take him to the motel and pay for the month.

I couldn't stop thinking about Tom the rest of the day. I couldn't fall asleep that night so I finally got up and wrapped presents while watching The Miracle on 34th Street. But I had a hard time feeling Christmasy knowing Tom was shivering in his van.

So I decided to call our Bishop in the morning and ask for the ward to pay for half of the $800. My Bishop kindly listened to me, explained that he couldn't use ward funds, but he would pay for the other $400 out of his own pocket. I don't think my Bishop will ever know how much this means not only to Tom but to me and Tony as well. How do you thank someone for something like this?

When I called Tom and told him we were moving him back into the motel today, he started sobbing. He said this was the best Christmas present he's ever received.

We're not out of the woods yet. Tom still doesn't have a car to drive or a driver's license. He still has to find a permanent place to live. And he has to perform on this job. But his luck is turning.

That phone call to Tom this morning was what I needed. Tony took Tom to the motel and got him settled with enough food and money for the weekend.

I think this year ranks up there as one of my top Christmas' ever. It shares company with Christmas on my mission and Christmas at the Sunflower Orphanage with my dear little Peruvian friends.

Merry Christmas to each of you and especially to Tom.

May all your wishes come true.

Tom

Every night, in the middle of the night, when I'm trying to fall back asleep after Ryan's 3am-ish feeding, I think about Tom.

Is he warm?
Is he hungry?
Is he...alive??

Tom is a man that we became acquainted with this past summer when he asked if he could do some work in our yard. He looks like he's in his 70's although I suspect he's much younger than that. When he first came by, our yard was pretty ghetto. We had put in our sprinklers after the construction and were getting ready to put in the sod when my water broke and our life turned upside down.

The weeds grew and the yard fell further into neglect as each day went by, but with me in the hospital on bedrest and then Ryan in the NICU, our ghetto yard was the last thing on our minds (well, except when we drove home and I saw with embarrassment how bad our yard looked).

Anyway, Tom asked for work, and Tony gladly gave it to him. He'd been out of work for awhile and was just trying to make ends meet. He was about to get evicted and was probably going to lose his car sometime soon. He was a good worker and we gave him all the work we could, plus a little more. When the lawn was in and every other job we could find for him was done, we thanked him, gave him some extra money and he walked away.

A few months later, he knocked on our door. I could hear Tony talking to him while I was nursing Ryan in the back of the house. Tom was homeless and he was pretty desperate. He was living in his van and had run out of food and money. He needed some money to pay his cell phone, buy his dog some food and some for himself. Tony, of course, helped. That was several months ago.

Since then we've tried very hard to help him get back on his feet. And I'm amazed at how hard it's been. Tom has a few jobs lined up, but no transportation. So Tony's been working on getting his van to pass inspection and it finally passed. Tom let his driver's license lapse, so now they're working on getting his license, insurance, etc.

We've tried finding apartments for Tom, but he doesn't have a credit card to fill out the on-line credit reports that people are requiring. And even though we tell the landlords that we'll guarantee payment until Tom gets back on his feet, they simply don't reply to emails or answer phone calls.

Tony is my hero. He took Tom shopping and bought him new snow boots and gear. He stops by at least once a week to make sure he's ok and to take care of whatever he needs. We got Tom a $10/month membership to a gym nearby so he can go there and shower. He tried homeless shelters, but he said between the rough crowd and the drugs, he thought it too dangerous. We've tried other agencies, but it appears most people help women, children and families, but there aren't many resources for single men.

So last night as I watched the snow falling around 3am, I thought again of Tom. We really hoped to have him warm and safe in a new home by Christmas. At this point, it doesn't look like that will happen. But maybe. Maybe we'll see a miracle. It is the season after all.

home for the holidays...part two

I asked Ryan what his vote was and he said he wanted to live in Capitola too. At 4.5 months, he ought to know. He's already traveled to both coasts so he knows what he's talking about.

On Saturday we drove into the city with mom and dad (I love it when dad drives us around in the city). By the way, "the city" is what we always called San Francisco - not "San Fran" or worse, "FRISCO"...just the city.

Growing up, we always drove into the city at Christmastime. I have so many fun memories of this annual trip and I was excited to share some of it with Tony. We started with the Ferry Building (crowded!) and the Farmers Market (never made it) and then headed to the Embarcadero and the Hyatt (beautiful as always).

Then we headed to Union Square - I wanted to wander through Union Square and see the windows at Macy's and Saks. But the traffic was so heavy, we just watched from the car as we did a drive by.

We finally gave up on the city and headed to another favorite...the Crate and Barrel outlet in Berkeley's 4th Street district. I knew the Crate and Barrel outlet would not disappoint and disappoint it did not. Mom bought some of these and they looked beautiful with her Christmas dinnerware on Sunday. Satiated by our Crate and Barrel purchases, we headed back to Pleasanton tired, but the good kind of tired.

It was a fun day, but it wasn't really the same. I realized 20 years have passed which makes it understandable that times have changed, but it made me sad. Everything seemed so rushed, so crowded, less festive.

But the good thing is Tony didn't have the idyllic memories to compare to so he thought it was all beautiful and wonderful. And now when I look back on last weekend, that's how I remember it as well. Beautiful and wonderful.

home before the holidays....part one

We just returned Monday night from a much needed quick vacation to California. A trip to mom and dad's house is soothing to my soul anytime of the year, but at Christmas time... Let's just say Carolyn knows how to do Christmas.

I kept telling Tony and Ryan how magical mom's house is (at Christmas time or any holiday for that matter, my mom and dad's house sometimes becomes "mom's house"). Tony kept reminding me of my expectation management mantra, but I was confident that Tony could have high expectations and NOT be disappointed. And I was right.

California was overcast and foggy, but it felt different than Utah's overcast and inversion. On Friday we went to Santa Cruz and wandered downtown for a change. Then we drove along the coast and explored different beaches and beach towns.

Whenever we go to California, we like to play a game. We pretend we are rich and can afford to live anywhere in the world and discuss where we want to live. I always choose California. Specifically, the Bay Area or thereabouts. Anyway, while we were meandering along the coast, we decided that our beach town of choice is Capitola. We almost bought a lottery ticket while we were there. Just because and just in case.

We headed back to Pleasanton around 4:30pm and realized we would be sitting in Friday 5pm traffic headed from San Jose to Pleasanton. If any of you know what this means, you know it isn't pretty. And I think it was enough to change Tony's mind about the Bay Area being the happiest place on earth.

it's mommy...

I woke up at 3:30 am eastern time on Saturday morning as excited as I've ever been. Early morning flights are horrible, but it was a small price to pay to see my baby as early as possible. But it was awfully early.

When I finally landed in SLC, I called my sister who was picking me up so we could drive straight to my sister-in-law's baby shower. I could hear Ryan screaming SCREAMING in the background. "Ryan's really excited to see you," she laughingly said.

By the time she got to the airport I felt like I was going to burst with anticipation of our reunion. I couldn't wait to pick himi up and hug him. My sister pulled up to Pick Up #7, I opened the door and saw Ryan...fast asleep. Considering the screaming episode of a few minutes ago and considering the drive ahead of us (to Orem), I thought it wise to let this sleeping baby lie. So much for my cuddly reunion.

But cuddle we did. And it was sweet. Ryan didn't forget me like I feared. And Ryan wasn't walking and talking like I dreamed.

When Ryan was in the hospital, the first thing I would say to him when I arrived was, "it's mommy." I always felt like he knew I was his mommy.

Later on the drive to Orem, Ryan woke from his slumbering and smiled when he heard me say, "it's mommy."

And that smile was just what I needed.

daddy

This posting is long overdue. And since Tony is playing Mr. Mom while I'm out of town this week, I thought it was only fitting that I finally write about Ryan's daddy.

When Tony was proposing to me (he did a few times), he would often tell me that he was going to dedicate his life to making me happy.

While I believed he was sincere and I believed that HE believed this, I didn't think it would last. But he has proved me wrong.

My family often gives me a bad time for how spoiled I've become. Tony does the majority of the cooking, grocery shopping and laundry. By majority, I really mean all of it. He loves to spoil me and I let him!

And now I find myself sharing Tony's spoiling with our little baby. And I love it.

I love that we both get to work at home.

I love that Tony sings his goofy made-up songs to Ryan.

I love that Ryan laughs when Tony tickles and plays with him.

I love that he isn't afraid to change a poopy diaper.

I love that Ryan follows Tony with his eyes whenever Tony walks by.

I love that he's man enough to use a boppy.

I love that he volunteers to take one of the middle-of-the-night feedings.

I love that Ryan knows Tony.

Most of all, I love Ryan's daddy.

breaking heart

It's about 6:15 am Monday morning and I'm just trying to hold it together. I leave in about an hour to go to the SLC airport for my second business trip since Ryan was born...but this time without Ryan. I have a busy week and will have to work late a night or two and I just didn't see how I could take Ryan. Plus, I think the last trip was hard on him.

My cousin is going to watch him during the day and my sister and another cousin are "on call" for evenings, but Tony is really good with Ryan, so I think he'll be ok. So I know my little boy is in good hands. Really good hands.

But last night I almost changed my mind. I vascillated between taking Ryan with me and leaving him home. I've been hugging him every minute I can. And I've been crying.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. It certainly doesn't feel right - leaving my little four month home while I'm gone for a week. In January I start traveling more, but I keep telling myself it will be easier when he's a bit older. But I know it won't be.

So if you're traveling from SLC to ATL to GSO today and you see a woman weeping, it might be me. Just give me a hug and tell me Ryan will be fine, that everything will be fine and that this week will go by fast. Cause that's what's going to get me through this week.

a diabetic's feast

When I was pregnant, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes which actually wasn't a total shock considering the family history. My grandma had diabetes, my mom has diabetes and just about all my aunts and uncles either have it or heart disease.

But what I didn't realize is when you have gestation diabetes, it significantly increases the risk of getting diabetes later in life. And with my family history, it's almost certain I'll get it. Lovely.

So I'm on an anti-diabetes campaign and I am determined to beat the odds.

My sister recommended this program called the Belly Fat Cure by Jorge Cruise. While I'm not sure if it's the best long-term solution for me, it's working for now. The basic program is to significantly reduce your intake of sugar and carbohydrates. You can have 25 grams of sugar and 6 servings of carbs (20 grams is 1 serving). Reducing sugar and carbs reduces belly fat.

Best of all, I've lost 8 pounds and 4 inches around my waist and I can still have some sugar and and chips and salsa. I've also been testing my blood sugar (yes, I prick my finger on a regular basis which isn't as bad as I thought it would be) and my numbers have been great.

So with Thanksgiving coming up, I've come up with a strategy. Instead of my usual gobble till I wobble, I'm going to have lots of the healthy stuff - turkey, veggies and the like. And I'm going to allow myself a bit of dessert, a bread item, a bit of sweet potato pie (my favorite!) and a bit of mashed potatoes.

So there it is - I've gone public with my plan...and I plan to report in on Friday.

Happy Thanksgiving!

our great adventure

Last week Ryan and I flew to High Point - it was a great adventure, but one that I hope we don't have to repeat. At least not the way we did it.

When Tony dropped us off at the SLC airport, it was a sad good-bye. I felt like I was separating our little family for a much longer time than 5 days. I put Ryan in his little sling/carrier thing and we headed towards Delta security. By the time we got to the end of the walkway, Ryan was clearly telling me that he hated HATED the sling. I put down my two bags (why, oh why did I take TWO bags?!) and took Ryan out of the carrier and held him in my arms which is where he stayed for the next TEN hours.

I had opted for a carrier instead of a stroller because I didn't think I would be able to push a stroller and pull luggage once I landed in NC. But the carrier idea was a disaster. Not only did it not work, but it also became additional luggage to carry in my bags.

As I sat in my window seat waiting to see who would be sitting next to us for the next 3-ish hours, I hoped and prayed for a grandmotherly type. Someone who would think Ryan is the most adorable baby and who would generously offer to hold him while I went to the bathroom or took a break. So when a very large man who smelled like smoke, had a crew cut and dressed in army fatigues sat down next to me, I knew Ryan and I were on our own. He was nice enough, but even if he surprised me and did offer to hold my baby, I would have politely declined.

After a few minutes of fussiness, Ryan settled down and slept for the rest of the flight. I was paranoid about his ears with the take-off and landing, but I was able to time feeding him just right.

Walking through the Atlanta airport carrying Ryan and two bags was a challenge. Even though I booked a 2 hour layover in anticipation of the situation, I think I lost 5 pounds traveling that day. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention that Ryan had a record-breaking poopy diaper. He leaked through his outfit and everything. He only had one prior poop leakage and chose this special day to make his second leaky poopy diaper in his life.

The flight to Greensboro wasn't as smooth as our Atlanta flight however. Both in terms of Ryan and the plane flying. Ryan maintained his record breaking day and chose the turbulent flight to Greensboro to produce his third leaky poopy diaper. And because of the turbulence, we couldn't get up to change his diaper. And because of his poopy diaper, Ryan cried the entire flight.

The bright light at the end of the flight was a dear rental car agent who took pity on me and personally went to get the car herself so I didn't have to trek across the airport and through the parking lot carrying a baby, a large suitcase, a pack and play (which I didn't use at all) and a rented car seat.

Bless Evion's soul, she saved me from a breakdown.

blessing baby

There is something special about blessing a baby. As my sister Janelle put it, it's like the culmination of all activies that come with having a baby and seems like the climax to the newborn era. Is that too dramatic? That's how it felt.

Mom and dad were here which is always a fun and special time. I love seeing my parents hold and play with Ryan. Since Tony's parents have long passed away, they are Ryan's only grandparents. And he's very lucky to have such wonderful people in his life. But I'll save my thoughts for another posting.

Anyway, it was a busy weekend getting ready. As usual, mom cooked up a feast but she did it in between Brixen's soccer games, family parties and cuddling time with Ryan. We had potato soup, amazing chicken soup, taco soup, a beautiful salad, chicken salad, a delicious pumpkin dessert with cream cheese frosting, pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. And she opted not to make her apple dessert because we had so many leftovers from the family party the night before. Seriously, that woman is amazing.

So many people came for Ryan's blessing. We were blessed with good family on both sides. Tony's brother Chris, Tom's wife Lucy and daughter Annie, and dear, sweet Aunt Daphne. Cousins Laurel and Wallace, Diana, Becky and Patience and David. My family on both the Mano and Inouye sides were there as well. We had almost 40 people over at our house!

Tony's blessing was absolutely beautiful. We'll see if we can get him to write about both the blessing and his testimony. I know I won't be able to do him justice.

So thanks to mom and dad for a beautiful weekend. Thanks to my dear family for all the love and support. And thanks to Ryan for blessing our lives in ways we never dreamt possible.

from newborn to infant

I subscribe to a baby website that sends me emails about baby development, solutions for baby situations, etc. The other day the email told me that my 3 month old baby is no longer a newborn and is now just an infant. I was actually shocked when I read that. For some reason I think I thought MY baby was different than the millions of other babies out there. For some reason I thought that MY baby would stay cute and adorable and 9 pounds forever. For some reason I thought MY baby would never grow up.

Actually, I knew he would, but I didn't realize it would happen so fast. Even though someone tells me so at least once a day. Enjoy it - they grow up so fast.

But growing up he is. I dressed him in his first 3 month outfit the other day and it fit. He's rolling over, smiling and giggling. He's gained a bunch of weight and is a regular chubby baby - complete with double chin. And even though he's no longer a newborn, Ryan at 3 months is still so, so cute.

It's a good thing he's going to be 3 months forever.

I survived...sorta

The past two weeks have been, well, thoroughly exhausting. Physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and any other way possible that I'm not thinking of right now. And unfortunately, it's not over.


Another High Point Market has come and gone. I thought things would calm down once Market started, but they haven't. The high level stress of launching a new company on October 16th is gone, but that's about it.

I worked my butt off. It felt like the old days when I worked 100 hour weeks at Oly. And I did everything I needed to plus a little more. And I felt really good about the job I did.

What do I do? I work for a furniture designer, Julian Chichester, in their US office (Julian lives in London) and am over the sales and marketing but I also do a lot of the operations. The office is in High Point, NC and I work from home and travel...a lot.

In launching this new company we had about 150 new products that were arriving a week before Market. A WEEK. Which, let me tell you, is not enough time. We set up a photography booth in our warehouse and as each container arrived, they would unload it, unpack it, measure it and photograph it.

I had to create skus, descriptions, and all the other information for importing into our system. I had to set up this complicated scanning system to take orders at the show. I had to create all the marketing including ads, postcards, email blasts, price lists, tear sheets, website, price tags, terms & conditions, business cards, catalogs, order forms. I had to keep track of deadlines, maintain the mailing list, work with my graphics designer, photoshop guru, office staff, photographer and customers.

And did I mention that I had to do this for our existing company, Julian Chichester, as well? Oh, and I have a newborn baby who was born prematurely and was in the NICU for 25 days during all of this.

I didn't sleep much. In fact, I slept very little at all - 2 or 3 hours a night. I neglected and ignored everything. I didn't have time for personal email or calls and have about 50 emails and calls to return. I didn't have time to exercise. Tony took care of all household chores (which he usually does anyway) and fed me. I even neglected Tony and Ryan. I would nurse Ryan on a pillow on my lap while I worked on my laptop - the above photo is my boy on my lap. He would sleep on that same pillow. I would glance at him and kiss him once in awhile cause he's just so darn cute, but I was definitely focused on other things.

But I really do love my job. And I do love my company - both of them. And we were a huge success. It wasn't all perfect, but I am very happy with the job I did - especially in such a short amount of time.

I believe I am done venting. If any of you are still reading, thank you. And for those of you who have called or emailed, my goal is to return those calls and emails....soon.

this is why I've been absent lately...

My company is launching a new company called "MR BROWN" and our company launch is this Saturday at the High Point Furniture Market.

But I have to say, modern technology is amazing. It has made it possible for me to work at home. I have a photographer in High Point photographing the images. They upload them onto our server. I have someone send the high res images from NC to my photoshop guy in CA and he emails the images back to me so I can do all the marketing.

Amazing.

What will be more amazing is if I finish it all. It should have been sent to the printer last week, but we have yet to receive TWO containers and an air shipment of products.

But I have to say, I really do love my job. I'm creating all the marketing materials and the majority of the operational functions. And, although I'm embarrassed and disappointed in myself, I've outsourced the website programming and it is amazing. The program basically allows me to go in and load and edit all of the content which has been really fun.

I'm hoping the website will be up and running by Saturday - for now, I'm still testing and loading content, but the website address is www.mrbrownhome.com. And my other website is www.julianchichester.com.

See? Although it is much more boring, I can write about something other than Ryan.

right up to the moon and back

When Ryan was in the NICU I think I cried every single day. I cried when I would see him looking like this...wouldn't you? I cried when they would stick a needle in him. I cried when he struggled with the tubes in his nose or mouth. Most of all, I cried when I had to say good-bye at the end of the day and leave him in the hospital.

And I don't think I've cried since the day we brought him home...until yesterday. I read books to Ryan once in a while even though he usually sleeps through them. Yesterday I read "Guess How Much I Love You" which has always been one of my favorite books. In fact, I gave this to Tony when we were dating. If you're a mom - or even if you're not - I'm sure you know this book.

But if by chance you've never read it, you should. Yesterday I did and I cried. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude for this little baby. That he is in our lives and that he is healthy. I really didn't think I would be a mom so this feels like the biggest bonus blessing.

So yes, I cried when I read to my Little Nutbrown Hair whom I love to right up to the moon and back.

crazy days...crazy faces

I don't imagine I'll have much time to blog for the next 30 days or so. My company is launching a new company on October 17th and I have a to-do list that is stressing me out. But for now, here are a few pictures of our funny boy. Do all babies continually make funny faces?

And here's what's going on in the Smart house...

I had my third bout of my mystery illness since Ryan's birth. For some reason I get this weird illness that happens. My body starts aching, I get either a fever and/or the chills. Sometimes I get a bad headache. I go to bed for the night and either shiver or sweat and 15 to 20 hours later it's gone. My doctor doesn't know what it is....do any of you?

Ryan isn't sleeping very well. For the first several weeks he slept like a champ. But the last several nights he's been waking up every hour. Tony's been a champ and gets up to tend to Ryan and he usually ends up sleeping on the sofa with Ryan on his chest...which we're not sure is a good thing.

My work is crazy. Crazy. And it will be like this for several more weeks. We're trying to decide whether to fly back with Ryan to North Carolina for the big furniture market where we're launching our new company.

And one of these days I intend to write about something other than Ryan or being a mom. One of these days...

But with a baby as cute as this, what else is there to write about??

September 17th...

I've been mulling over what to write about on this day - September 17th - the day I've been focusing on since January - the day our baby was due to be born.

It's either the lack of sleep, the lack of time or the lack of creativity, but I got nothing. So I'm just going to type and see what appears in this posting....

After 6.5 weeks of mothering little Ryan, I am in sore need of a Parenting 101 class.

For the past week or so, we've been fretting over an infection Ryan had after his circumcision. As a result of the antibiotics he was on, the poor little guy has zero flora in his tummy and has been pooping about every 5 minutes or so. So you can imagine how sore his cute little bum has been. I've seen diaper rash on other babies before, but somehow it is SO much worse when it is your own little baby. Without going into a lot of detail, he has raw, open sores that, if his screams are any indication, are extremely painful.

We've been washing his little bum in the sink for over a week now. After the first few days of doing this, I called my sister to discuss the situation.

My sister: What diaper rash ointment are you using?
Me: Uh, the one you gave me.
My sister: Have you tried any others?
Me: There are others?

duh. Of course there has to be others. I would have hit myself on the head if my hands weren't soiled with baby poop.

My sister was at my house in less than 15 minutes with 3 other kinds of diaper rash ointment. And she said: You should call your doctor to see what they recommend.

Me: I can just call my doctor and ask for a diaper rash ointment recommendation?

So call I did. And our pediatrician (Dr. Kathleen Omara whom I already love as much as Dr. Markus and Dr. Baker) said to get Triple Paste. And they have it at Smiths!

Triple Paste is magic. It worked like a charm and Ryan's little open sores are now healing. He's off his antibiotics and we hope he'll be pooping a bit less very soon.

In 6.5 weeks of his life, he's conquered his 4th infection, his horrible diaper rash, learned to eat as a preemie, graduated from the NICU....and most of all, taught his mommy and daddy how much they LOVE having a baby to care for.

make over

Today marks 6 weeks since Ryan was born. It's a magical date in terms of my recovery from the C-Section.

At 6 weeks I can exercise - which I did this morning! I took it easy and did 20 light minutes on the eliptical machine, but it was enough to break a sweat. I'm declaring today the first day of my post-partum makeover.

Along with my impressive 20 minute workout (yes, you read sarcasm in that), I chopped off my hair. It wasn't quite enough to donate to Locks of Love, but it was close. I just couldn't wait a minute longer. In fact, I resisted the urge to shave my head. But I do have bangs again. And, if I do say so myself, they are rather cute. The best part about my new haircut is I just put gel in it and let it dry and it looked passable for presentable - which is exactly the look I'm going for.

At 6 weeks I can take a bath - which I plan on doing tonight. Between breast feeding and carrying Ryan around, I believe I am developing a bit of a hunch back. I think I'm going to splurge and get a massage too.

At 6 weeks I can vacuum! (I've never known how to spell that word) This has been driving me crazy. Whenever someone asks what they can do for me, I ask them to vacuum. My mom thinks I need to wait another 2 weeks, but I'm going to sneak it in and see how it goes. What's the big deal with vacuuming (that spelling really can't be right) anyway?

And at 6 weeks, I feel like I'm getting this baby thing. Ryan is still adorable, but dang, he takes a lot of time. I've been working full-time for a few weeks now and feel like I'm getting a system of feeding, laundry, cleaning down.

Here's to another 6 weeks!

enjoy

When I was pregnant, people were always telling me to "enjoy being pregnant." I totally didn't get that. How do you enjoy nausea or throwing up everyday? How do you enjoy swollen feet, insomnia and heartbearn? Not that I'm complaining. I'm really not. But really, how do you enjoy all of that?

I did enjoy feeling little Ryan move inside me. I remember certain movements that seemed really weird to me. Like shaking. I told Tony that I thought our baby was having seizures inside of me. When Ryan was in the NICU, I would spend hours - HOURS - just holding him. He would wiggle and squirm in my arms.

And I would recognize those movements in my arms as very same movements in my tummy just a few weeks ago.

Now that we have Ryan at home, people are once again telling me to "enjoy him", to "enjoy having a newborn", to "enjoy being a mom."

Now THAT, I get.

Eight more days?

It's always interesting for me to see the baby counter on the right side of this blog --->

I'm also still subscribed to a couple of pregnancy websites and receive weekly emails telling me where I should be in my pregnancy - some of my favorite email subject lines: "Preparing for the hospital" and "Preparing for a C-Section".

It's quite strange that Ryan is now 5 weeks old and we're still a week away from his due date. But we're still so glad to have him home.

We've been fighting yet another infection. We took Ryan to "visit the Rabbi" as Tony calls it last week and he's been a bit fussy (can you blame him??). A few days ago he got an infection so we're fighting his third infection in his short little life. But today he feels much better, which makes me feel much better.

grandma and grandpa

My parents are here again...sigh of relief!

My mom was planning on flying out Saturday morning and late Friday I received an email with my dad's itinerary. I guess he couldn't resist and booked a last minute flight for the weekend - mom stays until Sunday.

When mom kept telling me she could come out, I kept telling her "we'd love to see you anytime, but we're doing great so no pressure". Well, now that she's here, I don't want her to leave. For those of you who know my mom, know what an amazing woman she is. Ryan is lucky to have my mom and dad for grandparents. Here are a few pics of grandma and grandpa...

Dr. Markus

When Ryan was first born, we had a team of three great doctors - Gary, Jenny and Markus. Gary's time at the NICU was over after just a week of us being there. Jenny left after a couple of weeks and Markus left just a few days before Ryan went home. We got attached to all of them, but Markus was taking care of us almost the whole time. I cried when both Jenny and Markus left.

So how do you express how grateful you are to the doctors who took such great care of your little newborn baby? There was a time when I was really scared because Ryan looked so sick and lethargic. The hardest thing about being a NICU mom is you feel so helpless. And that's why we are so grateful to Markus and the rest of the staff - they helped me overcome that feeling. I felt like they were doing everything possible to help Ryan.

Markus knew our schedule and would faithfully come seek us out to give us a daily report (he was actually the only consistent person we talked to - the nurses changed every day, the doctors left after awhile and we never got to know the new doctors). He was patient as he answered our numerous questions. And most importantly, he made us feel like Ryan was the most important patient he had.

So Markus, if you're reading this, Ryan had his first doctor appointment today and weighed 6 lb 4 oz and is doing great! Also, we wrote a letter to Dr. Bloom and dropped it off the day Ryan was discharged. If you want a copy of the letter, email us at: smartnatalie@hotmail.com and I'll be happy to email or mail you a copy.

Several times a day (and night), we look at our beautiful little boy and are so grateful to the hospital, the doctors and nurses and especially Markus for the wonderful care we received. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!

Dr. Baker

After Ryan's 25 days in the NICU and my 17 days in the ante-partum department, we're qualified to give an opinion of the care we received at the University Hospital. From start to finish, the medical care we received was really quite amazing.

Dr. Baker is the doctor who delivered Ryan. Judging from his accent, he's from some place deep in the south. He would usually come check on me between 5 and 6 am every morning (I was on bed rest for almost 2 weeks in the hospital because my water broke) and his questions were always the same (imagine a slow, very monotone, VERY southern accent):

do you have any pain in your belly?
are you bleeding?
do you feel the baby move?

then he would touch my belly very lightly and say, "do you have any questions?" then he would leave until the next morning. At first I was surprised by his brief visits, but I grew to really like (i.e. be really entertained) by Dr. Baker. The day I had the C-Section, he told me that my "homework was to fart all day" as I had a ton of air in my belly from the surgery. Three days later we discussed bowel movements. He said I should have one before I left the hospital. When I told him on the last day that I had pooped, he said (again in his slow, monotone, southern accent): I'm sooo proud.

So really, who could ask for better medical care?

It sounds like I'm making fun of Dr. Baker, but I really think he is an excellent doctor. In fact, as I got closer to week 34, it looked like I was going to have my original OB GYN deliver Ryan instead of Dr. Baker and I became really anxious and disappointed. Nothing against my OB GYN, but I grew very attached to Dr. Baker and completely trusted him. In the end, I went into labor early and Dr. Baker delivered Ryan. I wish I had a picture of him so I could show Ryan when he's older.

PS: Tomorrow, I'll tell you about Ryan's doctor, Markus!

home at last!

Due to extreme exhaustion, I'll just post a quick note and a few pictures.

We brought Ryan home around 1pm yesterday and yes, it was just like Christmas! My niece Sienna made a welcome home sign which was fun to come home to.

Yesterday we spent the day figuring out what this parenting thing is and what we're supposed to do. We felt like we were playing house.

Since we were all exhausted, all three of us took a nap. Papa Bear got up after 15 minutes, Mama Bear got up after an hour, but Baby Bear stayed asleep for 3 hours.

How cute is he??

PS: Tomorrow is a tribute to Ryan's doctors and nurses...

the best gift...

We'd been told several times that once a preemie gets the eating thing, he really gets it and takes off. That is exactly the case here. We went from "probably another week or two" on Thursday to....GOING HOME TODAY!!

Here's a hilarious picture from yesterday...the first time I've EVER seen Ryan without any tubes or needles in him. And I have to say, he is the cutest baby I've ever had :)

You know the excitement and anticipation you felt as a kid on Christmas Eve? Well last night felt like every Christmas Eve in my entire life all rolled into one. I can't even tell you how excited, relieved, happy (and a bit nervous) we are. We put his bassinet next to my side of our bed last night and I kept waking up and imagining him right beside me (we decided since he's a little preemie, his nursery is too far away right now).

Thanks everyone for your support on this wild ride. In the end, it was worth every minute!

Love to all,

Natalie, Tony and Baby Ryan

PS: today is our 2nd wedding anniversary....bringing home Ryan is the best gift ever!

PPS: I love that the little baby counter says 19 days still!

ad libbing it

If everyone reading this blog would knock on wood, I would appreciate it. I'm not the superstitious type, but I am so incredibly scared of jinxing us.

So I don't have to eavesdrop anymore. There is open discussion of how close we are to going home. In fact, our nurse Sarah on Friday (who was so incredibly sweet and caring) thinks we are in the final stages.

Our last task to bring Ryan home is to have him eat on his own. The actual criteria is he has to be eating at least 75% on his own. And as of Thursday at 8:30am, he's been doing just that!

One of the things that has helped is Tony and I have divided and conquered our time. Before I would go to the hospital in the morning and Tony would come around 4pm after work and we would both stay for a while. Tony's back working full-time and now comes around 5pm and then I go home while Tony stays until about 9pm or so.

This not only allows Tony to feed Ryan a bottle, but also gives them some great one-on-one time with just the two of them. Tony comes home late, but he's on cloud nine as he tells me how great Ryan did and how his boy smiles at him when he sings or talks to him.

So today we started (unofficially) ad libbing our eating schedule. Instead of the scheduled 3 hour eating intervals, Ryan eats when he wakes up and tells us he's hungry. And he's doing great. He needs to do this for 48 hours (and keep gaining weight) and then we're coming home!

dare we say it?

Whenever I ask anyone (nurses, doctors, lactation specialists, other NICU moms - anyone who will listen to me) when they think Ryan might go home, they always give the standard "expect him to go home on his due date" answer.

Yesterday a couple of doctors came through and did a quick run through all the babies on their list. I overheard them (eavesdropping behind my drawn curtain is my latest hobby) say "Smart is doing good - he's getting closer."

I wanted to cheer. I wanted to do a backflip. I wanted to give someone a hug. And I wanted to cry.

We're knocking on wood, saying prayers, holding our breath, and, of course, continuing to eavesdrop whenever we can.

p.s. we're not sure what "closer" means, but our 2 year wedding anniversary is Sunday August 29th.

wouldn't that be a lovely gift?

bloggy blog blog

Note: This blog posting is dedicated to my sister Melissa who wrote me an email that I read at 2am when I got up to pump....and which made me cry. I keep meaning to call her back, but when I'm conscious, it's always too early in the morning in Hawaii. At night I'm barely able to remember my name let alone talk on the phone. But we'll chat soon. In the meantime, here's a bloggy blog blog (she'll get it).

You're right Melissa, I'm super busy and exhausted. In fact, I don't know that I've ever been this exhausted before in my life - except the day I gave birth to Ryan. Last night we left the hospital around 9pm and I could barely walk to my car. It's more the emotional exhaustion that is wearing me down. I try not to think about how tired I am, but it's too tiring not to think about it. So there it is - if I'm being really honest - I'm exhausted.

Ryan has had a couple of great days! He had his first combo meal (breast and bottle in one meal) and seemed to be getting stronger. But then yesterday the first thing I saw was an IV back in his hand. The nurse hurried over to explain and the first thing she said was "I called Markus to come talk to you." I got a chill. It turned out to be ok and we're still on course, but Ryan threw up a bit of blood two nights ago. They ran another course of tests and an xray and put him back on an IV. Markus said because of the big scare last time, they wanted to take every precaution.

I was more upset than I needed to be - mostly because of the anticipation of something going wrong, but I'm ok. Just a brief cry and then I was able to hold it together. I think I've cried more this past month than I have my entire life.

I just called the hospital a few minutes ago and he had a good night - no vomiting and NO blood. So hopefully that was just a bump in the road. Markus said he thinks the blood is from irritation from the feed tube that has been in his nose and down his throat into his stomach for 3 weeks now. He said, "we've got to get that feeding tube out of him" but we can't do that until he eats on his own. I have my marching orders...

There are so many better things to write about. The first being Ryan is getting stronger each day.

I've talked to a few other NICU moms as we rock and cuddle our babies. Everyone has a story and most are tougher than ours. They are from Wyoming and are staying in the Ronald McDonald house or they had twins and one is home and one is in the NICU. They are a single mother without much support. I hear their stories and feel badly that I can't do something to help.

And then I remember what Tony always says, "we are rich."

echo

A few days ago Ryan had an echo cardiogram. The result turned out to be a "normal" murmer that preemie babies often have and grow out of.

But the day they were doing the echo, I walked into the room during the middle of it. The technician briefly looked up at me without stopping the echo and said, "Wow. Your baby senses you're here."


I love that.

one preemie baby step forward...

a quick weekend update...

Ryan is doing better with nursing although he still has a long way to go. They say that once preemie babies "get it", they take off. So that is what we're hoping for.

The exciting news is he took two bottles a couple of nights ago. Since he's doing ok with nursing, we felt it was ok to start him on a bottle without too much confusion. He took one full bottle and the second feeding was all but 7 ml. I have yet to breast feed him since then so we'll see how he does with the confusion thing.

Lastly, Saturday night I had some kind of strange fever in the middle of the night. I had the chills, then a fever, then body aches. I think I might have an infection somewhere among all the things that happened to me over the past weeks. So yesterday (Sunday) I decided not to go to the hospital which absolutely broke my heart. The only good thing was it was Sunday so Tony spent most of the day with Ryan and was able to try bottle feeding him for the first time. It didn't work out so well, but they had a great time anyway.

I'm feeling better - no fever. So I'm hoping to go to the hospital today.

power when powerless

Yesterday was scary. Not because anything really bad happened, but because I was anticipating so many things.

First was anticipating the results of the echo cardiogram that Ryan had yesterday. I don't know that I've mentioned that he's had a heart murmer since he was born. The docs kept saying it was probably nothing, but yesterday they did the test. Right when I walked in, our doctor Markus (we LOVE Markus!) came to give me the results. I took a deep breath and said, OK, give it to me. Yesterday Markus told me IF it wasn't normal (meaning a typical murmer that preemies have and grow out of), it was probably a hole that could be operated on when Ryan was 6 months. But it was the normal murmer they expected and all was well.

Right after that, 3 doctors came to take the pick line out (as opposed to 1 nurse who usually takes out an IV line). They had me go to the parent lounge as they didn't want me to hear Ryan cry - which was usually from taking the tape off the skin instead of taking the pick line out. I gladly complied as I would have had a meltdown if I had stayed. Alone in the parent lounge, I still teared up as I imagined my little boy crying in pain (even if it was just from tape). When I went back a few minutes later, they said he slept through the entire thing.

Later, after I tried (unsuccessfuly) to nurse, Ryan threw up. A lot. But it was whitish and milky like typical baby spit up stuff that I've seen dozens and dozens of times and not that yellow-green vomit of last week. Still, I felt like I was reliving last Friday when he was doing great and then started vomiting. I started getting nervous. I even thought about not telling the nurse about it to pretend it never happened. But I was pretty sure it was just typical baby milk spit up so I talked it over with the nurse and Markus. They decided to slow down the pump that sends the milk through his feeding tube. It was a volume issue. Ryan was not sick.

As I held Ryan throughout the day he would spit up quite a bit. I had to hold him with his head up so he didn't choke. Each time he'd spit up, I would tear up. It took everything I had to hold it together - that darn anticipation thing was not going to get the best of me.

Then at the end of the day when I was home in bed, I realized the night nurse might not know to put Ryan on his side so he didn't choke. I panicked (just a bit) and got up to call the night nurse and ask her to not let my little boy choke. She promised she would put him on his side and she promised he would NOT choke.

A few hours later I woke up in a sweat. I don't remember dreaming anything, but I knew I was worried about Ryan. I thought about calling the nurse again, but instead said a quick, simple prayer asking my Heavenly Father to watch my little boy.

The hardest part about having Ryan in the NICU is watching him suffer and struggle and feeling helpless. And I hate going home each night and leaving him behind in the hospital. When I woke up in a sweat, I really wanted to drive to the hospital to check on him. But I realized that a quick simple prayer is the most powerful act I have available to me to help my little baby.

expectation management

Last Thursday Ryan was doing great. He was starting to breast feed, he was gaining weight, he was doing all of the things the doctors told us he needed to do. We went home Thursday night with great expectations for the next day when he would be done with all IV meds and nutrition. He would be on full feeds through his feeding tube and most of all, his IV lines and pick line would come out.

I arrived Friday morning at the hospital full of hope only to find out that overnight he had become a very sick little baby. I know I've told this story before, but I mention it again because I find myself in the same situation today.

The past few days Ryan has been doing great. He's made a quick recovery and even though he had to start over on his feeds, the volume has increased by much larger quantities than before. He started at 6 ml and yesterday was up to 35 ml. Today he should end all IV's and have his pick line removed. Then we just focus on the task of getting him to feed by mouth...again.

Faith and hope have had a major role in my life over the past month, but unfortunately, so have fear and doubt. Trying to have faith and hope while managing expectations so I don't come crashing down again is a tough thing to do. But for now, I'm going to let faith and hope guide my day today.

I'll keep you posted...

Natalie, Tony and Ryan

summer

We've been trying to be a bit more sane this week. Last week I spent every possible minute at the hospital and was there about 12-14 hours each day. I was also pumping every 3 hours through the night so I wasn't getting much sleep. Oh, and I was recovering from a C-section. By last Friday, I was completely exhausted. When our baby got sick, I had zero emotional reserves and completely broke down.

So this week I go to the hospital at 10:45 am instead of 7:45 and we leave after the 5:30pm feeding. And I'm sleeping more due to a modified pumping schedule.

Last night we walked out of the hospital and it was one of those classic Utah summer nights. Anyone who knows me well knows I don't handle Utah winters as gracefully as I should (I'm known to not leave my house for days - which you can do if you work from home). And this summer with it snowing in June, my traveling every other week and then unknowingly entering the hospital on July 23rd to start my bed rest stint, I haven't had a summer at all. My summer consisted of Tony visiting me everyday and telling me how hot it was and living vicariously through my Facebook friends and their adventures.

So when I exited the hospital and felt that hot summer air last night, we decided to have dinner on the patio of our favorite Thai restaurant instead of going home to look for the crib hardware that I can't find (one of my casualties from our two moves during our remodel). It was heaven.

Everyday at least 2 or 3 people remind me that I need to take care of myself. I smile and respond with some sort of agreement while I silently wonder how I do that and have a baby in NICU.

Last night I took care of myself. We enjoyed a lovely dinner and reminisced about our first date - which was at the same restaurant. And I'm big enough to admit that they are right. I need to take care of myself. I still wonder how to do that, but at least now I know to go with the impulses that tell me to relax and enjoy.

cares

The nurses in the NICU at the University Hospital are amazing. They not only take care of the babies, but also their parents as well.

Every three hours, they perform what the call "cares" on each baby. Our little guy has his cares at 8:30, 11:30, 2:30 and 5:30 - both am and pm each day. The idea is to do all the checks (temp, diaper change, measurements, blood pressure, etc) at once to disturb the baby as little as possible and allow the baby to sleep (i.e. heal) as much as possible.

They could as easily called it any other sterile medical term, but I love that they call this medical attention "cares."

It makes me think of all of the cares that I receive from my friends and family. Yesterday my brother-in-law Chris came to visit as well as my cousin Patrice and friend Arnold. My sister came with me for the entire night visit from 8pm to 10pm and we just chatted while I fed and held my baby. It was a treat for me to have her there. And then I had emails, texts and voice mails from others.
Lastly, our little baby has turned another 180 and is back on track. His test results all came back within the normal range. He has stopped vomiting that icky stuff. And most of all, he is acting like his normal self instead of laying well, lifeless, in his little tanning bed. His tube in his mouth is out and they started feeding him just a bit (6 ml instead of 45 ml that he was getting) of breast milk. I am once again trying to breast feed him.

The doctors say he is one of the stars in the NICU right now and that he's doing really well. Of all the cares we've received in the past few weeks, having our prayers heard and answered is the best one of all.

a turn of events

Yesterday we were so optimistic for a good day. Our little guy finished his 7-day antibiotic treatment and they were going to take out his pick line (a pick line is a more invasive IV line - the biggest danger is being too close to the heart. They put the pick line in, did an x-ray to see how deep it went, pulled it out a tiny bit because it was too close to the heart, did another x-ray and it was fine. Scary stuff.)

Anyway, I arrived at the hospital early - about 7:45am and the nurse told me he had thrown up twice in the night and his belly was a bit distended. He has another infection that they need to fight. They decided to do a full-round of lab work including some blood cultures and a spinal tap. They also took him off his feeding tube and he is now being fed only by an IV - which means I can't breast feed (we weren't too successful with this, but we were trying several times a day). We also couldn't hold him.

So it was a very emotional day. I have to remind myself to manage my expectations although I find it's increasingly hard to do in this case. Since we couldn't hold him, feed him as well as they were poking and sticking him with all kinds needles, we decided to go home early to get some rest.

I feel like a new woman today - even with my every 3-hour pumping schedule, I caught up a bit on my sleep.

Tony gave our baby another blessing and we both felt very much at peace. As Tony said, we understand we are on a precipice, but we still are very hopeful for a positive outcome.

Thanks for all the notes and all they prayers - they are needed as much as they are appreciated.

Love to you all,

Natalie, Tony and Baby Smart

1 week old

Our little boy is a week old today. Overall, he's doing great - since he was born he dropped a bit of weight (which is typical), but is now 5 pounds 1 ounce (he was born at 4 lb 12 ounces). So he's gaining weight (which is one criteria for going home).

He had a bit of jaundice over the past few days so he had to wear those cool shades over his eyes and had to be under the lamps - the only hard thing was I wasn't able to hold him as much - which was only hard for mom. Yesterday, his blood tests came back and he no longer needs the lamps. This morning, if his blood tests come back good again, he'll actually move from his tanning bed to a regular crib. He'll still stay in NICU, but it's a good sign.

His infection looked a lot better yesterday - the first time I've seen a big improvement. He has 3 more days of antibiotics and maybe his infection will join jaundice in being things of the past.

He also had a good 15 minutes of breast feeding - which for a 34 weeker is great. My goal is to spend as much time with him during his feeding times as possible. His OT says if we can get 3 good sessions in a row, we could give him a bottle without any nipple confusion. So that's our next job. 3 good breast feeding sessions in a row.

I modified my schedule a bit. He basically eats at 8, 11, 2, 5 (both am and pm) and I try to be there for as many of those feeding sessions as I can. He has never eaten at 8am, so I am going in about 10am now which gives me a couple of hours at home to get some things done. It's great to have those couple of hours, but it's not nearly enough time. We still have yet to put the nursery together...

I'm also still on percoset (sp?) so I can't drive yet. My mom (my taxi among a million other things) flew home yesterday so we're arranging rides for me in the morning so Tony can get as much work done in the morning as possible - he's working 1/2 days right now). Tony comes to the hospital in the afternoon, we stay through the 5pm feeding and then go home for a couple of hours (we can't be there during nursing shift change from 6:45 to 7:45) and then go back in time for the 8pm feeding. It's a lot of back and forth and will be MUCH easier once I can drive myself.

Once again, we feel so blessed to have family helping us get around. We also feel blessed to live so close to the U. There are families there from other states, from long distances within Utah, etc. The mother of the baby next to us is staying in an RV so she can be near her baby. So we can't complain about our 20 minute commute.

We still have no idea how long we'll be in the hospital - we've heard everything from "plan on being here until his due date (Sept 17th) to "he's progressing very well - he might not be here a long time". The doctors are hesitant to give us a time frame too. We do know that he has to 1) have 3 more days of antibiotics and fight the infection 2) kick the jaundice (which he might have done) 3) be able to feed 100% by mouth (right now he still has a feeding tube) - he breastfed yesterday for the first time - an estimated 5-6 ounces 4) continue to gain weight. The picture (not the one with mom) was from a few days ago - he already looks different and has put on a bit of weight in his cheeks - I'll try to take a picture today.

Thanks all for your love and support!
Natalie, Tony and Baby Smart (still no name yet, but we're getting close...)

mixed feelings

I'm going home today. Everyone keeps asking if I'm excited to go home. And of course I am, but I'm also going home without our baby. I knew that was going to be hard and I've been trying to prepare emotionally for this event. But how do you do that? How do you prepare to leave your sick baby in the hospital? Even though you know he's getting some of the best care in the world, even though you know it's time for you to go home, even though you know you'll be back tonight and everyday until he's well enough to take home....it's still hard.

I've been in the hospital for 17 days now since my water broke. I read over my blog since my "greetings from my hospital bed" posting and it's been quite a ride. I recognize the blessings and the care we've all received. And it's overwhelming.

Our little baby (we're getting closer to a name...) is still pretty sick. I was so optimistic that he would only be here a relatively short time, that it's hard to face reality. A couple of days ago he developed an infection around his umbilical cord. They are treating it very aggressively as this type of infection could potentially be fatal. That's a hard word to type...fatal. But I'm not focusing on that. His initial tests came back yesterday and indicated that it is just topical and not systemic - meaning the infection is just on his skin and hasn't gone any deeper. That was great news and a huge relief. However, the redness has spread a bit and he hasn't responded to the antibiotics they started him on. I think they are going to change the antibiotics - but a final decision hasn't been made yet.

This morning I hurried over to the Newborn ICU - it was a little hectic this morning since I'm checking out of the hospital - met with the doctor, rented a breast pump, met with the nurse about having my staples removed which made me late for my 8am date with my little boy (they feed him at 8am so I try to get there to try to breastfeed). When I got there, his two doctors, Gary and Marcus, his pediatrician and 2 nurses were huddled around his tanning bed. They were about to put in a pick line. He's been having troubles with his IV - they have to change it at least once a day because the IV doesn't work (he's like his mommy with IV's - we don't like them). They told me in a very direct tone that I do NOT want to be here for the pick line (a pick line replaces an IV and is more invasive and is placed deeper than an IV). He would scream a lot and they would be restraining him. They'll also be taking x-rays to make sure the pick line is placed correctly and is not causing any problems - it's kinda a big deal, but I'm trying not to think about it.

After talking with them for a bit, they said to come back in an hour. Mom is on her way now and we'll go back at 9:30 to for a short visit to make sure everything is ok. Tony will be here at 10am and we'll all go to church here. Then at 11am we'll go back and I'll try to feed him again and will spend more time with him.

I have the best quality time with him at nights. After Tony goes home for the evening between 9 and 10pm, I go back to the Newborn ICU and we try to breast feed and then we snuggle. He lays on my chest skin to skin and we sleep for a few hours. I do that during the day too, but at night it is so peaceful and quiet. They close the curtains around us and it's just the two of us. That's my favorite part of the day. Tony has his "skin on skin" time earlier in the day too. We both love our time with our boy.

We are still very optimistic that he will recover from his infection and will be home soon. We're still working on breast feeding, but we're making a bit of progress. Preemie's don't intuitively know how to suck like full-term babies, but our little guy has latched on a couple of times so we feel we're on the right path. My milk has come in on one side, but not the other - which is getting quite painful. But we're working on it...

We so appreciate all of you. Right now we're trying to focus on gettting our baby healthy and are trying to spend as much time with him as possible. Between pumping every 2-3 hours and going to the nursery to try to breastfeed and then hold him, we don't have much time for visitors, but we love reading your emails and your notes of encouragement.

Much love and appreciation to all of you...

Natalie, Tony and Baby Smart