Dr. Baker

After Ryan's 25 days in the NICU and my 17 days in the ante-partum department, we're qualified to give an opinion of the care we received at the University Hospital. From start to finish, the medical care we received was really quite amazing.

Dr. Baker is the doctor who delivered Ryan. Judging from his accent, he's from some place deep in the south. He would usually come check on me between 5 and 6 am every morning (I was on bed rest for almost 2 weeks in the hospital because my water broke) and his questions were always the same (imagine a slow, very monotone, VERY southern accent):

do you have any pain in your belly?
are you bleeding?
do you feel the baby move?

then he would touch my belly very lightly and say, "do you have any questions?" then he would leave until the next morning. At first I was surprised by his brief visits, but I grew to really like (i.e. be really entertained) by Dr. Baker. The day I had the C-Section, he told me that my "homework was to fart all day" as I had a ton of air in my belly from the surgery. Three days later we discussed bowel movements. He said I should have one before I left the hospital. When I told him on the last day that I had pooped, he said (again in his slow, monotone, southern accent): I'm sooo proud.

So really, who could ask for better medical care?

It sounds like I'm making fun of Dr. Baker, but I really think he is an excellent doctor. In fact, as I got closer to week 34, it looked like I was going to have my original OB GYN deliver Ryan instead of Dr. Baker and I became really anxious and disappointed. Nothing against my OB GYN, but I grew very attached to Dr. Baker and completely trusted him. In the end, I went into labor early and Dr. Baker delivered Ryan. I wish I had a picture of him so I could show Ryan when he's older.

PS: Tomorrow, I'll tell you about Ryan's doctor, Markus!

home at last!

Due to extreme exhaustion, I'll just post a quick note and a few pictures.

We brought Ryan home around 1pm yesterday and yes, it was just like Christmas! My niece Sienna made a welcome home sign which was fun to come home to.

Yesterday we spent the day figuring out what this parenting thing is and what we're supposed to do. We felt like we were playing house.

Since we were all exhausted, all three of us took a nap. Papa Bear got up after 15 minutes, Mama Bear got up after an hour, but Baby Bear stayed asleep for 3 hours.

How cute is he??

PS: Tomorrow is a tribute to Ryan's doctors and nurses...

the best gift...

We'd been told several times that once a preemie gets the eating thing, he really gets it and takes off. That is exactly the case here. We went from "probably another week or two" on Thursday to....GOING HOME TODAY!!

Here's a hilarious picture from yesterday...the first time I've EVER seen Ryan without any tubes or needles in him. And I have to say, he is the cutest baby I've ever had :)

You know the excitement and anticipation you felt as a kid on Christmas Eve? Well last night felt like every Christmas Eve in my entire life all rolled into one. I can't even tell you how excited, relieved, happy (and a bit nervous) we are. We put his bassinet next to my side of our bed last night and I kept waking up and imagining him right beside me (we decided since he's a little preemie, his nursery is too far away right now).

Thanks everyone for your support on this wild ride. In the end, it was worth every minute!

Love to all,

Natalie, Tony and Baby Ryan

PS: today is our 2nd wedding anniversary....bringing home Ryan is the best gift ever!

PPS: I love that the little baby counter says 19 days still!

ad libbing it

If everyone reading this blog would knock on wood, I would appreciate it. I'm not the superstitious type, but I am so incredibly scared of jinxing us.

So I don't have to eavesdrop anymore. There is open discussion of how close we are to going home. In fact, our nurse Sarah on Friday (who was so incredibly sweet and caring) thinks we are in the final stages.

Our last task to bring Ryan home is to have him eat on his own. The actual criteria is he has to be eating at least 75% on his own. And as of Thursday at 8:30am, he's been doing just that!

One of the things that has helped is Tony and I have divided and conquered our time. Before I would go to the hospital in the morning and Tony would come around 4pm after work and we would both stay for a while. Tony's back working full-time and now comes around 5pm and then I go home while Tony stays until about 9pm or so.

This not only allows Tony to feed Ryan a bottle, but also gives them some great one-on-one time with just the two of them. Tony comes home late, but he's on cloud nine as he tells me how great Ryan did and how his boy smiles at him when he sings or talks to him.

So today we started (unofficially) ad libbing our eating schedule. Instead of the scheduled 3 hour eating intervals, Ryan eats when he wakes up and tells us he's hungry. And he's doing great. He needs to do this for 48 hours (and keep gaining weight) and then we're coming home!

dare we say it?

Whenever I ask anyone (nurses, doctors, lactation specialists, other NICU moms - anyone who will listen to me) when they think Ryan might go home, they always give the standard "expect him to go home on his due date" answer.

Yesterday a couple of doctors came through and did a quick run through all the babies on their list. I overheard them (eavesdropping behind my drawn curtain is my latest hobby) say "Smart is doing good - he's getting closer."

I wanted to cheer. I wanted to do a backflip. I wanted to give someone a hug. And I wanted to cry.

We're knocking on wood, saying prayers, holding our breath, and, of course, continuing to eavesdrop whenever we can.

p.s. we're not sure what "closer" means, but our 2 year wedding anniversary is Sunday August 29th.

wouldn't that be a lovely gift?

bloggy blog blog

Note: This blog posting is dedicated to my sister Melissa who wrote me an email that I read at 2am when I got up to pump....and which made me cry. I keep meaning to call her back, but when I'm conscious, it's always too early in the morning in Hawaii. At night I'm barely able to remember my name let alone talk on the phone. But we'll chat soon. In the meantime, here's a bloggy blog blog (she'll get it).

You're right Melissa, I'm super busy and exhausted. In fact, I don't know that I've ever been this exhausted before in my life - except the day I gave birth to Ryan. Last night we left the hospital around 9pm and I could barely walk to my car. It's more the emotional exhaustion that is wearing me down. I try not to think about how tired I am, but it's too tiring not to think about it. So there it is - if I'm being really honest - I'm exhausted.

Ryan has had a couple of great days! He had his first combo meal (breast and bottle in one meal) and seemed to be getting stronger. But then yesterday the first thing I saw was an IV back in his hand. The nurse hurried over to explain and the first thing she said was "I called Markus to come talk to you." I got a chill. It turned out to be ok and we're still on course, but Ryan threw up a bit of blood two nights ago. They ran another course of tests and an xray and put him back on an IV. Markus said because of the big scare last time, they wanted to take every precaution.

I was more upset than I needed to be - mostly because of the anticipation of something going wrong, but I'm ok. Just a brief cry and then I was able to hold it together. I think I've cried more this past month than I have my entire life.

I just called the hospital a few minutes ago and he had a good night - no vomiting and NO blood. So hopefully that was just a bump in the road. Markus said he thinks the blood is from irritation from the feed tube that has been in his nose and down his throat into his stomach for 3 weeks now. He said, "we've got to get that feeding tube out of him" but we can't do that until he eats on his own. I have my marching orders...

There are so many better things to write about. The first being Ryan is getting stronger each day.

I've talked to a few other NICU moms as we rock and cuddle our babies. Everyone has a story and most are tougher than ours. They are from Wyoming and are staying in the Ronald McDonald house or they had twins and one is home and one is in the NICU. They are a single mother without much support. I hear their stories and feel badly that I can't do something to help.

And then I remember what Tony always says, "we are rich."

echo

A few days ago Ryan had an echo cardiogram. The result turned out to be a "normal" murmer that preemie babies often have and grow out of.

But the day they were doing the echo, I walked into the room during the middle of it. The technician briefly looked up at me without stopping the echo and said, "Wow. Your baby senses you're here."


I love that.

one preemie baby step forward...

a quick weekend update...

Ryan is doing better with nursing although he still has a long way to go. They say that once preemie babies "get it", they take off. So that is what we're hoping for.

The exciting news is he took two bottles a couple of nights ago. Since he's doing ok with nursing, we felt it was ok to start him on a bottle without too much confusion. He took one full bottle and the second feeding was all but 7 ml. I have yet to breast feed him since then so we'll see how he does with the confusion thing.

Lastly, Saturday night I had some kind of strange fever in the middle of the night. I had the chills, then a fever, then body aches. I think I might have an infection somewhere among all the things that happened to me over the past weeks. So yesterday (Sunday) I decided not to go to the hospital which absolutely broke my heart. The only good thing was it was Sunday so Tony spent most of the day with Ryan and was able to try bottle feeding him for the first time. It didn't work out so well, but they had a great time anyway.

I'm feeling better - no fever. So I'm hoping to go to the hospital today.

power when powerless

Yesterday was scary. Not because anything really bad happened, but because I was anticipating so many things.

First was anticipating the results of the echo cardiogram that Ryan had yesterday. I don't know that I've mentioned that he's had a heart murmer since he was born. The docs kept saying it was probably nothing, but yesterday they did the test. Right when I walked in, our doctor Markus (we LOVE Markus!) came to give me the results. I took a deep breath and said, OK, give it to me. Yesterday Markus told me IF it wasn't normal (meaning a typical murmer that preemies have and grow out of), it was probably a hole that could be operated on when Ryan was 6 months. But it was the normal murmer they expected and all was well.

Right after that, 3 doctors came to take the pick line out (as opposed to 1 nurse who usually takes out an IV line). They had me go to the parent lounge as they didn't want me to hear Ryan cry - which was usually from taking the tape off the skin instead of taking the pick line out. I gladly complied as I would have had a meltdown if I had stayed. Alone in the parent lounge, I still teared up as I imagined my little boy crying in pain (even if it was just from tape). When I went back a few minutes later, they said he slept through the entire thing.

Later, after I tried (unsuccessfuly) to nurse, Ryan threw up. A lot. But it was whitish and milky like typical baby spit up stuff that I've seen dozens and dozens of times and not that yellow-green vomit of last week. Still, I felt like I was reliving last Friday when he was doing great and then started vomiting. I started getting nervous. I even thought about not telling the nurse about it to pretend it never happened. But I was pretty sure it was just typical baby milk spit up so I talked it over with the nurse and Markus. They decided to slow down the pump that sends the milk through his feeding tube. It was a volume issue. Ryan was not sick.

As I held Ryan throughout the day he would spit up quite a bit. I had to hold him with his head up so he didn't choke. Each time he'd spit up, I would tear up. It took everything I had to hold it together - that darn anticipation thing was not going to get the best of me.

Then at the end of the day when I was home in bed, I realized the night nurse might not know to put Ryan on his side so he didn't choke. I panicked (just a bit) and got up to call the night nurse and ask her to not let my little boy choke. She promised she would put him on his side and she promised he would NOT choke.

A few hours later I woke up in a sweat. I don't remember dreaming anything, but I knew I was worried about Ryan. I thought about calling the nurse again, but instead said a quick, simple prayer asking my Heavenly Father to watch my little boy.

The hardest part about having Ryan in the NICU is watching him suffer and struggle and feeling helpless. And I hate going home each night and leaving him behind in the hospital. When I woke up in a sweat, I really wanted to drive to the hospital to check on him. But I realized that a quick simple prayer is the most powerful act I have available to me to help my little baby.

expectation management

Last Thursday Ryan was doing great. He was starting to breast feed, he was gaining weight, he was doing all of the things the doctors told us he needed to do. We went home Thursday night with great expectations for the next day when he would be done with all IV meds and nutrition. He would be on full feeds through his feeding tube and most of all, his IV lines and pick line would come out.

I arrived Friday morning at the hospital full of hope only to find out that overnight he had become a very sick little baby. I know I've told this story before, but I mention it again because I find myself in the same situation today.

The past few days Ryan has been doing great. He's made a quick recovery and even though he had to start over on his feeds, the volume has increased by much larger quantities than before. He started at 6 ml and yesterday was up to 35 ml. Today he should end all IV's and have his pick line removed. Then we just focus on the task of getting him to feed by mouth...again.

Faith and hope have had a major role in my life over the past month, but unfortunately, so have fear and doubt. Trying to have faith and hope while managing expectations so I don't come crashing down again is a tough thing to do. But for now, I'm going to let faith and hope guide my day today.

I'll keep you posted...

Natalie, Tony and Ryan

summer

We've been trying to be a bit more sane this week. Last week I spent every possible minute at the hospital and was there about 12-14 hours each day. I was also pumping every 3 hours through the night so I wasn't getting much sleep. Oh, and I was recovering from a C-section. By last Friday, I was completely exhausted. When our baby got sick, I had zero emotional reserves and completely broke down.

So this week I go to the hospital at 10:45 am instead of 7:45 and we leave after the 5:30pm feeding. And I'm sleeping more due to a modified pumping schedule.

Last night we walked out of the hospital and it was one of those classic Utah summer nights. Anyone who knows me well knows I don't handle Utah winters as gracefully as I should (I'm known to not leave my house for days - which you can do if you work from home). And this summer with it snowing in June, my traveling every other week and then unknowingly entering the hospital on July 23rd to start my bed rest stint, I haven't had a summer at all. My summer consisted of Tony visiting me everyday and telling me how hot it was and living vicariously through my Facebook friends and their adventures.

So when I exited the hospital and felt that hot summer air last night, we decided to have dinner on the patio of our favorite Thai restaurant instead of going home to look for the crib hardware that I can't find (one of my casualties from our two moves during our remodel). It was heaven.

Everyday at least 2 or 3 people remind me that I need to take care of myself. I smile and respond with some sort of agreement while I silently wonder how I do that and have a baby in NICU.

Last night I took care of myself. We enjoyed a lovely dinner and reminisced about our first date - which was at the same restaurant. And I'm big enough to admit that they are right. I need to take care of myself. I still wonder how to do that, but at least now I know to go with the impulses that tell me to relax and enjoy.

cares

The nurses in the NICU at the University Hospital are amazing. They not only take care of the babies, but also their parents as well.

Every three hours, they perform what the call "cares" on each baby. Our little guy has his cares at 8:30, 11:30, 2:30 and 5:30 - both am and pm each day. The idea is to do all the checks (temp, diaper change, measurements, blood pressure, etc) at once to disturb the baby as little as possible and allow the baby to sleep (i.e. heal) as much as possible.

They could as easily called it any other sterile medical term, but I love that they call this medical attention "cares."

It makes me think of all of the cares that I receive from my friends and family. Yesterday my brother-in-law Chris came to visit as well as my cousin Patrice and friend Arnold. My sister came with me for the entire night visit from 8pm to 10pm and we just chatted while I fed and held my baby. It was a treat for me to have her there. And then I had emails, texts and voice mails from others.
Lastly, our little baby has turned another 180 and is back on track. His test results all came back within the normal range. He has stopped vomiting that icky stuff. And most of all, he is acting like his normal self instead of laying well, lifeless, in his little tanning bed. His tube in his mouth is out and they started feeding him just a bit (6 ml instead of 45 ml that he was getting) of breast milk. I am once again trying to breast feed him.

The doctors say he is one of the stars in the NICU right now and that he's doing really well. Of all the cares we've received in the past few weeks, having our prayers heard and answered is the best one of all.

a turn of events

Yesterday we were so optimistic for a good day. Our little guy finished his 7-day antibiotic treatment and they were going to take out his pick line (a pick line is a more invasive IV line - the biggest danger is being too close to the heart. They put the pick line in, did an x-ray to see how deep it went, pulled it out a tiny bit because it was too close to the heart, did another x-ray and it was fine. Scary stuff.)

Anyway, I arrived at the hospital early - about 7:45am and the nurse told me he had thrown up twice in the night and his belly was a bit distended. He has another infection that they need to fight. They decided to do a full-round of lab work including some blood cultures and a spinal tap. They also took him off his feeding tube and he is now being fed only by an IV - which means I can't breast feed (we weren't too successful with this, but we were trying several times a day). We also couldn't hold him.

So it was a very emotional day. I have to remind myself to manage my expectations although I find it's increasingly hard to do in this case. Since we couldn't hold him, feed him as well as they were poking and sticking him with all kinds needles, we decided to go home early to get some rest.

I feel like a new woman today - even with my every 3-hour pumping schedule, I caught up a bit on my sleep.

Tony gave our baby another blessing and we both felt very much at peace. As Tony said, we understand we are on a precipice, but we still are very hopeful for a positive outcome.

Thanks for all the notes and all they prayers - they are needed as much as they are appreciated.

Love to you all,

Natalie, Tony and Baby Smart

1 week old

Our little boy is a week old today. Overall, he's doing great - since he was born he dropped a bit of weight (which is typical), but is now 5 pounds 1 ounce (he was born at 4 lb 12 ounces). So he's gaining weight (which is one criteria for going home).

He had a bit of jaundice over the past few days so he had to wear those cool shades over his eyes and had to be under the lamps - the only hard thing was I wasn't able to hold him as much - which was only hard for mom. Yesterday, his blood tests came back and he no longer needs the lamps. This morning, if his blood tests come back good again, he'll actually move from his tanning bed to a regular crib. He'll still stay in NICU, but it's a good sign.

His infection looked a lot better yesterday - the first time I've seen a big improvement. He has 3 more days of antibiotics and maybe his infection will join jaundice in being things of the past.

He also had a good 15 minutes of breast feeding - which for a 34 weeker is great. My goal is to spend as much time with him during his feeding times as possible. His OT says if we can get 3 good sessions in a row, we could give him a bottle without any nipple confusion. So that's our next job. 3 good breast feeding sessions in a row.

I modified my schedule a bit. He basically eats at 8, 11, 2, 5 (both am and pm) and I try to be there for as many of those feeding sessions as I can. He has never eaten at 8am, so I am going in about 10am now which gives me a couple of hours at home to get some things done. It's great to have those couple of hours, but it's not nearly enough time. We still have yet to put the nursery together...

I'm also still on percoset (sp?) so I can't drive yet. My mom (my taxi among a million other things) flew home yesterday so we're arranging rides for me in the morning so Tony can get as much work done in the morning as possible - he's working 1/2 days right now). Tony comes to the hospital in the afternoon, we stay through the 5pm feeding and then go home for a couple of hours (we can't be there during nursing shift change from 6:45 to 7:45) and then go back in time for the 8pm feeding. It's a lot of back and forth and will be MUCH easier once I can drive myself.

Once again, we feel so blessed to have family helping us get around. We also feel blessed to live so close to the U. There are families there from other states, from long distances within Utah, etc. The mother of the baby next to us is staying in an RV so she can be near her baby. So we can't complain about our 20 minute commute.

We still have no idea how long we'll be in the hospital - we've heard everything from "plan on being here until his due date (Sept 17th) to "he's progressing very well - he might not be here a long time". The doctors are hesitant to give us a time frame too. We do know that he has to 1) have 3 more days of antibiotics and fight the infection 2) kick the jaundice (which he might have done) 3) be able to feed 100% by mouth (right now he still has a feeding tube) - he breastfed yesterday for the first time - an estimated 5-6 ounces 4) continue to gain weight. The picture (not the one with mom) was from a few days ago - he already looks different and has put on a bit of weight in his cheeks - I'll try to take a picture today.

Thanks all for your love and support!
Natalie, Tony and Baby Smart (still no name yet, but we're getting close...)

mixed feelings

I'm going home today. Everyone keeps asking if I'm excited to go home. And of course I am, but I'm also going home without our baby. I knew that was going to be hard and I've been trying to prepare emotionally for this event. But how do you do that? How do you prepare to leave your sick baby in the hospital? Even though you know he's getting some of the best care in the world, even though you know it's time for you to go home, even though you know you'll be back tonight and everyday until he's well enough to take home....it's still hard.

I've been in the hospital for 17 days now since my water broke. I read over my blog since my "greetings from my hospital bed" posting and it's been quite a ride. I recognize the blessings and the care we've all received. And it's overwhelming.

Our little baby (we're getting closer to a name...) is still pretty sick. I was so optimistic that he would only be here a relatively short time, that it's hard to face reality. A couple of days ago he developed an infection around his umbilical cord. They are treating it very aggressively as this type of infection could potentially be fatal. That's a hard word to type...fatal. But I'm not focusing on that. His initial tests came back yesterday and indicated that it is just topical and not systemic - meaning the infection is just on his skin and hasn't gone any deeper. That was great news and a huge relief. However, the redness has spread a bit and he hasn't responded to the antibiotics they started him on. I think they are going to change the antibiotics - but a final decision hasn't been made yet.

This morning I hurried over to the Newborn ICU - it was a little hectic this morning since I'm checking out of the hospital - met with the doctor, rented a breast pump, met with the nurse about having my staples removed which made me late for my 8am date with my little boy (they feed him at 8am so I try to get there to try to breastfeed). When I got there, his two doctors, Gary and Marcus, his pediatrician and 2 nurses were huddled around his tanning bed. They were about to put in a pick line. He's been having troubles with his IV - they have to change it at least once a day because the IV doesn't work (he's like his mommy with IV's - we don't like them). They told me in a very direct tone that I do NOT want to be here for the pick line (a pick line replaces an IV and is more invasive and is placed deeper than an IV). He would scream a lot and they would be restraining him. They'll also be taking x-rays to make sure the pick line is placed correctly and is not causing any problems - it's kinda a big deal, but I'm trying not to think about it.

After talking with them for a bit, they said to come back in an hour. Mom is on her way now and we'll go back at 9:30 to for a short visit to make sure everything is ok. Tony will be here at 10am and we'll all go to church here. Then at 11am we'll go back and I'll try to feed him again and will spend more time with him.

I have the best quality time with him at nights. After Tony goes home for the evening between 9 and 10pm, I go back to the Newborn ICU and we try to breast feed and then we snuggle. He lays on my chest skin to skin and we sleep for a few hours. I do that during the day too, but at night it is so peaceful and quiet. They close the curtains around us and it's just the two of us. That's my favorite part of the day. Tony has his "skin on skin" time earlier in the day too. We both love our time with our boy.

We are still very optimistic that he will recover from his infection and will be home soon. We're still working on breast feeding, but we're making a bit of progress. Preemie's don't intuitively know how to suck like full-term babies, but our little guy has latched on a couple of times so we feel we're on the right path. My milk has come in on one side, but not the other - which is getting quite painful. But we're working on it...

We so appreciate all of you. Right now we're trying to focus on gettting our baby healthy and are trying to spend as much time with him as possible. Between pumping every 2-3 hours and going to the nursery to try to breastfeed and then hold him, we don't have much time for visitors, but we love reading your emails and your notes of encouragement.

Much love and appreciation to all of you...

Natalie, Tony and Baby Smart

did I really write the last post just this morning??

I finally sat down to write about all that's happened, I opened up the blog and it said "Thursday" for my last posting. Then I got confused because I thought today was Thursday and I thought I wrote the last post yesterday. Then I realized the post I thought I wrote yesterday was really from this morning and that it was still, in fact Thursday.

Did anyone follow that? Did I mention that I am on percoset (or however you spell that)? (The first photo is just after he was born - he looks so TINY next to Tony's hand)


Basically, I'm still a bit confused, but now I know that it's been a really long day and that I wrote my last post just this morning and that it is still Thursday. So, let me re-cap yesterday's events for you...

Around 5 am I started feeling a little bit of cramping, but it really didn't hurt very bad. I actually wondered if I was having a bad gas pain or something. Around 6am I realized the pain was a contraction and then another and then another. I called the nurse. By 6:30 am the nurse told me I should tell my husband to come right away. I called Tony around 6:45 (he was in the shower so it took a while to contact him) and he made it to the hospital around 7:30 am by which time I was having contractions about 2 -3 minutes apart and was 3 cm dilated. The contractions kept increasing in intensity and decreasing in time between them so they moved me to Labor & Delivery (everyone at each step along the way was rushing around as quickly as they could).

Before I knew it, I was 6 cm and they were trying to get the anesthesia guy to come to the epidural as quickly as possible (apparently I was 2nd in line for him). They FINALLY gave me the epidural but they said I was progressing too quickly for the epidural to kick in. They gave me a second epidural (the first one wasn't much fun - the second was SO painful - I think I had 3 intense contractions during it). By the time the second epidural kicked in, I was at 9.5 cm (you start pushing at 10 cm). Basically, I had a few minutes rest before they told me to start pushing so I did it all natural except for a few minutes.

After they had me push 2 or 3 times, they told me to stop pushing, that the baby's heart rate had dropped dangerously low and they were going to do an emergency C-Section.

I think I mentioned in my last post that my mom was there too. Tony was right by my side coaching me and rubbing my back - he was amazing and wonderful and it makes me cry to think about how perfect he was through all of this. My mom was a little further away and I couldn't see her, but I knew she was there. Once in awhile she would come over and touch my arm and with all the hands around me, touching me, even though I couldn't see her, I always knew when my mom's hand was touching my arm or my hand. I think that's just how mom's are. We know their touch. In case you're wondering, yes, I'm crying as I write this....

I'll just say this before I get back to the story. I needed Tony there by me and he was there. But I loved that my mom was there too.

OK. back to the C-Section. They whisked me away to surgery and Tony wasn't with me at first and just when I was about to panic that he wasn't coming, he entered the room (I guess he had to scrub and get ready to enter the surgical room). I was just on the surgical bed and there seemed to be 50 people rushing around getting things ready. I was fully awake but they draped something over me so I couldn't see what they were doing. Within a few minutes I could feel pressure, tugging and pulling on my abdomen and before I knew it, Tony said they were lifting our baby out of me. Tony snapped a few quick pictures for me, I heard about 2 very brief, very small cries and then I didn't hear anything more.

They had already passed our little boy through the window to NICU (Newborn ICU), but I didn't know that. I just lay there listening for his cry which never came. When I was about to ask about him in a panic, they told me that ICU had him. They were still working on me on the operating table when they asked Tony if he wanted to go see the baby and off he went. The pictures here are when Tony when to go see our baby and I was still on the operating table. After they were done working on me, they wheeled my bed straight from the operating room to NICU where they let me hold our baby for the first time - which is the picture you see here. What you can't see is the emotional release that came when I held our baby for the first time after worrying for almost 2 weeks since my water broke whether he would be ok or not.

We knew he would be 6-7 weeks premature. We knew he had several risks facing him including breathing and lack of lung development. We also knew all of the 2 dozen other things that could happen to our little preemie because we had to sign a medical release over a week ago saying we allowed the NICU to perform 2 dozen + procedures that might be required. I also remembered them saying, although we don't expect it, there is a very small risk he will be stillborn.

And now I was holding him. They put him on my bare chest so we could be skin to skin and he was even breathing on his own. So yes, there was an enormous emotional release.

They let the three of us have a long moment together and as they closed a curtain around us, Tony and I cried as we held our little baby. And yes, I'm crying again as I write this...

I spent the rest of the day trying to keep my eyes open whenever I absolutely had to - the rest of the time I was completely exhausted. I have never been so tired in my life. I fell asleep trying to drink some broth later that night. I fell asleep talking to someone on the phone (I don't even know who it was). I fell asleep when I was holding the baby (Tony was helping me hold the baby). I literally could not stay awake for anything.

But I know a lot of things happened. I remember my sister Janelle visiting. I remember Tony taking my mom and then my sister to see the baby. I remember my mom being there all day. And of course Tony was there too. But most of all, I remember being so relieved that everything seemed to be ok with our baby.

Day 2 (today) is much clearer. In spite of starting today in a bit of a fog (like when I wrote this morning's post), I remember pretty much everything. I had good visits with baby smart (yep, still no name...). I tried breast feeding our baby and he actually sorta latched on and sucked a couple of times - it takes preemie babies a long time to develop this. Tony was here and he was once again, so supportive as he helped me move around, get out of bed, go for walks, helped me shower and even helped me go to the bathroom.

I don't really have anything profound to write except that I am completely amazed at what modern medicine can accomplish. This University of Utah Hospital is amazing. When you look at all the world and the different levels of medical care - we completely understand that we are getting some of the best care available in the world.

I'm also humbled by the human spirit. I'm grateful for everything my friends and family has done for me over the past few weeks. I can't find the words to describe how I feel about Tony except that I'm crying again. And I love seeing the new little spirit that Tony and I were blessed with. I already know that he is going to be the love of our lives.

this baby is full of surprises....

the biggest surprise is he arrived yesterday morning! I'll post pictures as soon as I can.

I have much more to write, but am feeling extremely tired, so will write more later. For now, the basic stuff:

I started having contractions around 6am yesterday morning (August 4th). At 10:18 am, our little boy was born. It happened SO fast. We ended up having an emergency C section because his heart rate dropped. And as it turned out, the cord was wrapped around his neck, not just once but 3 times. They whisked me off to do the C-Section and it was a whirl of activity.

Tony was with me the whole time and he was amazing. He's a very proud daddy.

Lots more to come, but for now....

- no name yet (suggestions are welcome)
- baby is doing great - no oxygen needed, but he isn't able to eat on his own yet.
- both my mom and Tony were with me in Labor and Delivery. Tony was with me during the C section.
- oh yeah - the good stuff: 4 pounds 12 ounces - not bad for a little preemie. He's already in the 75th percentile for height and weight.
- height: 18 inches
- we're obviously VERY biased, but he is adorable!
- my only regret - I wasn't able to see Tony hold our little boy for the first time. But I DID see him in my minds eye. He was emotional and you could see his heart was full of love for his little boy.

Lots of love to you all!
Natalie, Tony and Baby Smart

so far, so good....

these are just a couple of random pictures of me pregnant - I'm told by not a few people that I need to post picture of me pregnant - so here they are. Tony and I spent the 4th of July holiday in Monterey and at my parents house in CA - our last fling before becoming a family of three.

So I'm still in the hospital - day ELEVEN and I've only been out of my bed to go to the bathroom and a wheelchair ride here and there.

I'm not going as crazy as much as I thought I would - I have work to do, projects to crochet (thanks again Robin!), and have had a few visitors.

No change in the plans - I'm still scheduled for delivery on Friday when they will induce me. Baby Smart is doing great - I'm doing great albeit a bit tired of this hospital bed...

Mom and dad have been here quite a bit. Dad goes home tonight and mom is going to stay until the baby is born.

We took a tour of the NICU and the NICU nurse seemed optimistic that if our baby goes there, it might be just a short time - we're hoping for that.

Tony and I also went to church here in the hospital - it was a 30 minute service which we loved, both for the length of time and the Spirit was there. I was actually overwhelmed as soon as Tony wheeled me into the room - the Spirit was so strong. So many people over the past week or so have been telling me they are praying for me. It was like I entered that room and could literally feel all the prayers being said for us. When my mom had cancer, she said she could feel the prayers being said on her behalf. I finally really understood what she meant. Like I said, it was a short service - which was good, because I probably would have become dehydrated for all the tears I shed. More than anything, I know that the power of prayer is real.

Later in the day, dad, Tony and Trent gave me another blessing. Since Tony already gave me a blessing when I first came to the hospital, he asked dad to say the blessing. It's been awhile since I've had a Father's Blessing and it was wonderful. I love my dad and I love my parents.

And then Sunday evening the Sirstins Family came to see us and they were great fun and great energy. Dana and McCall brought cards and letters from the YW that totally made me cry - I miss those girls!

All in all, we're doing well. Looking forward to another boring day (boring is the goal around here).

Natalie and Baby Smart