Anna's Forever Family

You may not be able to tell, but Anna and Ryan were thrilled at the moment.

When I started researching adoption about 5 years ago, I would see these profiles of children and my heart would break.  I would see a picture of a beautiful child and read about how they just wanted to find their "forever family."  Browsing adoption sites and child profiles became a hobby of mine and the more I looked at pictures, the more confused I became.  Exactly how does one go about choosing a child to join their family?

I've told this story before, but I assumed that we would instantly know, I mean really KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, the instant we saw a child's profile, that that child was meant to be ours.  When I bought my first house in Sugarhouse, after looking at dozens of other houses, I walked in and knew instantly that this was the house for me.  When we adopted our yellow lab Abby, I knew instantly that she was the dog for us - again, after looking at about a dozen other adorable dogs.

But with Anna, I didn't feel that instant confirmation.  Tony did, but I didn't.  And that really bothered me.  But after we went to the temple and prayed about it, it felt right.  And so we moved forward and accepted the child file that our adoption agency had sent to us.  And over time, that knowledge that Anna was to be our little girl grew.  By the time we flew to China, it felt like she was already ours.  On our "Gotcha Day", I was amazed at the instant love I felt for this little girl the first time she held me.  I held her for several minutes while she screamed in fear and then she looked up at me, looked me straight in the eyes for a long time and then she held me.  It was one of the sweetest experiences in my life.

Well, last Saturday was another one of those sweetest experiences in my life.  Tony and I were sealed to Anna in the South Jordan Temple and Anna is officially, part of our forever family. 

We left for the temple around 8:30am and Ryan was especially excited to go to the temple for the first time.  Anna didn't understand what was happening, but she loves to go on any excursion.

When we arrived, we dropped off Ryan and Anna at the Youth Center where my cousin Joy (the same cousin who traveled with me in China after Tony flew home) was a volunteer worker and was able to take care of the kids.  Ryan was super excited to see Joy and but Anna was a bit anti-social.  But when the sealer came down to visit the kids, Anna climbed onto his lap where she decided to stay.  Joy then brought Ryan and Anna up to the sealing room where they waited for us.

When we walked to the room, Joy, Ryan and Anna were waiting for us just outside the door.  They both lit up when they saw us, exclaimed "mommy, daddy" and they both ran towards us.  As we scooped up our beautiful children in our arms, I started to tear up. It's hard to describe how overwhelmed by the Spirit I felt. I felt grateful, fortunate, blessed, lucky and very, very happy.

I hope I remember that moment for the rest of my life.

When we walked into the sealing room, all of our family members were there waiting for us, including my mom and dad.  Ryan again yelled:  Hi Grandpa!  Hi Grandma!" and everyone laughed.  It was adorable.

As we sat holding our children while the sealer spoke to us, I tried to keep my emotions under control. What I felt is sacred, but suffice it to say, I felt our Heavenly Father's love for each one of us. I knew He loved me, Tony, Ryan and especially our little Anna. I truly felt the power of the temple and knew that the sealing ceremony would allow our little family to live together forever. 

And most of all, I once again, felt that confirmation and knew, really KNEW, that Anna was meant to be our little girl.

popcorn parties

We have popcorn parties just about every weekend. I'm not sure which the kids like better, watching the popcorn pop or eating it, but mommy loves having the kids entertained for an hour or so. 

For the most part, Ryan and Anna love playing together and being together.  On Thursday, Anna had a medical evaluation for her speech therapy so we dropped Ryan off at Auntie Patty's in the morning as usual.  As we drove away, Anna started crying and pointing at Patty's house and saying over and over, "Ryan, Ryan, Ryan" which really sounds like "eye....ann" over and over.

It broke my heart that she was so sad that she being separated from Ryan, but it also kinda melted my heart.  Tony often says that Ryan may be the most important person in her life. 

I hope so.

living our lives...one cliche at a time

It's no secret that I went through a bit of a rough patch last year. 

We started 2013 with an ultimatum from my boss telling me they wanted me to move to North Carolina.  With that hanging over our heads, we went through Anna's adoption from China, my mom's successful but heart wrenching bout with breast cancer, probably two dozen business trips, Anna's cleft palate surgery, Ryan adapting to Anna and vice versa, and then renting out our house and packing up to get ready for the move. 

We had already started saying our good-byes when I received a series of three surprising (understatement of the year) and I have to say, not very nice, phone calls from my boss saying they had changed their minds and that instead of relocating us to North Carolina, they were terminating me.  In 24 hours, I sat looking at both the signed rental leases and a severance agreement in front of me.

To say I was shocked is yet another understatement.  I wasn't given any explanation and I felt like my life was left in a thousand scattered pieces.  Tony, understandably, took it pretty hard.  He had been working extremely hard to get both of our houses ready for our move (we have an existing rental that needed some repair work).  We had packed quite a bit and were left with pretty empty tanks when this all happened.

For the next two weeks, I was in pretty bad shape.  I couldn't sleep.  I was extremely (EXTREMELY) stressed out and anxious.  I kept my kids home with me because I was too afraid to spend a dime on daycare.  And with two little toddlers at home with me, I tried to start the job search.

Looking back now, we both found jobs pretty quickly.  I had a job within a couple of weeks and while it took Tony a bit longer, I think considering two of those months were the holiday months of November and December, he landed a good job pretty quickly as well.

During the lowest point of my emotional downspin, we went to talk to our Bishop (clergyman) in our church.  He gave us wonderful counsel which included praying together and going to the temple.  He also said that in the future, we will look back and see this with a different perspective and that the most important thing would be for us to draw close together as a couple and draw close to our Heavenly Father. 

And then he gave each of us a Priesthood blessing.  From that moment on, the anxious feeling left and I felt like my heart beat at its normal rate.  And best of all, I slept well for the first time that night.  A couple of nights later, we went to the temple and I had an overwhelming feeling that if we dedicated ourselves and our little family to our Heavenly Father that we would be ok. 

The feeling of peace that I felt in the temple is hard to describe.  I'm sure many of you have felt that in your own lives as you have had your own prayers answered.  I have felt that peace before, but that night, it seemed so powerful.

Since that moment, we have had one small miracle after another.  And it isn't only in the form of good jobs.  Almost every day, I have a moment when I realize how blessed we are.  We love our home.  We ended up with good jobs and are in a better position than we would be had we moved.  We love living in Utah.  And when I think about how things would be if we did move across the country, I literally shudder.

When the door closed, windows opened.
We took things one day at a time.
And it was meant to be.

63rd percentile

On Thursday morning, Anna was evaluated for speech therapy.  A bubbly, enthusiastic speech therapist came to our home and tested Anna in a variety of areas from gross and fine motor skills, cognitive abilities, language abilities, social/emotional and adaptive skills.

In gross and fine motor skills, she scored in the 63rd percentile which, along with these pictures, proves my claim that Anna is one active little girl.  Not surprisingly, she is a little below average in other areas, but she is one bright little girl and I think she will catch up in cognitive and adaptive areas.  Also not surprisingly, she scored below 1 percentile in expressive language.

While Tony and I see vast improvement over the last several weeks (she can say "night night" very clearly now and you can almost understand "banana"), she is obviously very delayed in her speech.  She still calls Tony "mama" and she calls Ryan "eye-aaa". 

The good news is the speech therapist said she thought Anna would do really well with speech therapy.  Next step is a medical evaluation next week and then hopefully we'll get on the speech therapy schedule and maybe Anna will start calling Tony "daddy" soon.

My hope is that someday soon, Anna can talk as well as she and her brother climb.  Because 63rd percentile seems like a pretty good place to me.
 

happy birthday to me

Yesterday was my birthday and unlike the previous dozen or so birthdays that I spent in New York City, I was home with my family and able to relax.  When Tony kept asking me what I wanted to do for my birthday, I kept thinking I just wanted to be home with my adorable children and handsome husband.

But on Saturday, I would have given anything to have some alone time for just me.  In the morning, I cleaned the house spic and span so I could enjoy a clean and tidy home on my birthday.  By late afternoon, it was a disaster.  The kids were fighting non-stop over toys and Anna was in an especially cranky mood.  Late Saturday afternoon, I texted my favorite massage therapist to see if she could squeeze me in, but alas, I was too last minute.  Then I texted my favorite babysitter around 4:30pm to see if she could watch the kids so we could go see a movie.  Again, too late.

So we ended up spending the day at home with the kids. All day. At home. With fighting, crying kids. On Sunday, Tony tried and tried to create the perfect birthday evening for me, but I ended up on a prolonged birthday phone call and with bedtime for the kids approaching, he ended up bypassing dinner for the two of us and brought out the birthday cake so the kids could sing happy birthday and have a bite of cake before they went to bed.  Then, when we finally had the kids fed and in bed, we had Tony's famous enchiladas.  After dinner, we collapsed on the couch and after a bit of enchilada digesting time, had more ice cream cake, opened presents and went to bed.

But I really wouldn't have it any other way.  Every once in a while, I realize we could be in North Carolina and then a wave of gratitude hits me as I realize, we are meant to be here.  Tony got a new job last week and we are in a better place in so many ways than we were before.  I would have been on my second of three business trips in January and I think this may be the longest I've been home without a business trip in our married life.


So as crazy as some people may think I may be, I wouldn't trade a "relaxing" weekend at home with my kids in our toy-strewn home for a birthday night in New York City.  Because, as they say...there's no place like home.

overheard

Ryan loves to sing and luckily for us, he has a cute little voice.  One of his favorite songs is "Once there was a snowman."  If you're a mom, you probably know this one.

So the other day, I heard Ryan singing in his cute little voice:

Once there was a snowman, snowman, snowman.
Once there was a snowman....PA-KOWWWW!!!

And then he said:  Mommy, I blew up the snowman.

Should I be worried?


So this is a short post (written at 4:04 am mind you) to let you now that although the snowman has had an unfortunate explosion, we are all alive and well.  I haven't written for quite some time because so much has happened, it is, quite frankly, overwhelming.  But I am starting to feel the need to write again...

In the meantime, I want to thank everyone for their kind words and support.  I honestly feel we couldn't have made it through the last several months without prayer and support.  My job is now permanent which is a huge relief and we are on our way to a bright and wonderful new year!

our new normal

We're slowly getting settled into our new normal.  For years, actually, for our entire married life, I have worked from home and traveled a fair amount.  And while I probably complained all the time about traveling and my work schedule, there were definite pros along with the cons about my previous work situation.  But now that I'm commuting to work everyday, we're adjusting to our new normal.  Here are some interesting tidbits and observations that have been floating around my mind these past weeks:

* I haven't spent more than 2.5 months straight at home which means I haven't been with either Tony or Ryan or even Anna for more than 2.5 months at a time.

* I do think traveling makes the heart grow fonder.  When I would travel, Tony and I would talk every night on the phone for an hour or so.  We would often have conversations that we normally don't have when we are caught up with the daily routine.

* Even though I traveled frequently, when I was working from home I would spend a lot of time with Ryan since he only went to daycare twice a week.  I miss that.

* Now I get up at 5:30am and rarely see the kids before I leave for work.  I see them for a few hours when I get home until they go to bed around 7:30pm but most of that time is spent feeding, bathing and getting them ready for bed.  I know many working moms are probably saying, "welcome to my world" and I take my hat off to you.  All I'm saying is this is a huge adjustment for me and my family.  We'll get used to it, but I miss my kids (and Tony of course).

But I have to say that I LOVE my new job.  I'm still on a consulting basis, but I am crossing my fingers and praying that it will turn into a permanent situation.  I love the people I work with, the environment is such an improvement from my last situation and I am loving what I am doing.

So, new normal, I embrace you.  It may take me a bit of time to get used to you, but I embrace you.