save the date

(warning: this post has several references to bodily functions, but I was really trying to capture the female wackiness I was experiencing. It might be a little early to post this, but I really think Amy is the only person who reads this, so I think our situation is safe.)

(originally written January 12, 2010 at around 3am)

I think I’m still in shock. After a week, my suspicions were confirmed today. We are pregnant.

For a week now, I’ve noticed little signs – waves of nausea that come and go at night. My boobs have been really sore and I even think they’re bigger. I feel really bloated and I pee a lot. That’s a lot of personal information to put in writing, but computers are made for editing down the road…

We took a couple of generic brand pregnancy tests – there was a faded “plus” sign – the vertical line was bright, but the horizontal line was faint and the instructions said this meant “inconclusive”. Then we splurged on the EPT brand (I’ve hit a new level of cheapness when I want to save money on a pregnancy test – but in my defense, they’re $20 for two EPT tests!…but I digress). The result was the same as the generic brand – bright vertical line, faint horizontal line, but a “plus” still the same. And EPT is much more confident about this grey area – a plus by any shade is still a plus.

Four faint positive pregnancy tests later, I couldn’t take the uncertainty and made an appointment for a pregnancy test. I remember hearing the word “positive”. I remember asking if she was sure. And I remember the word “definitely.” That’s when I went into shock.

Not that we don’t want children – we really do, but we weren’t prepared for this. After a year and a half of the Que Sera Sera method, we really didn’t think we would get pregnant. I was happily searching adoption, foster care and other options. Those routes were just as meaningful and fulfilling to me as having our own birth children.

Actually, my emotional status each month as my cycle approached was as unpredictable as it was just plain wacky. About a week before my period was due, I would start panicking that I was pregnant. I started getting scared about having a baby at age 44 – about whether this old body was up to the task, about sleep deprivation at a stage where I’ve FINALLY overcome my insomnia (well, about 75% of the time which is a VAST improvement), and so on.

And then my period would start and instead of being relieved, I would be sad. Sometimes very sad. Sometimes just a little. And then I’d go look up the dates of my next fertile opportunity. Then I would wonder, if I was this wacky sans pregnancy hormones, what kind of Jekyl and Hyde creature would emerge should the fertility gods smile upon us?

We will soon find out.

But after a brief denial stage, I am happy and excited…and scared and nervous. And man, am I peeing a lot.

p.s. save the date for September 17th!