shifting ground

I'm not going to lie.  Lately I feel like the ground is shifting under my feet.  When I started this blog, I promised myself that I would not sugar coat things and that I would write honestly about the good, the bad and the ugly.  So be forewarned, this posting is not about the good.

 

[The pictures don't really have anything to do with anything, but aren't they cute?]

The past few weeks can best be lumped into 3 categories:  annoying technical/credit card problems, anxiety about moving to North Carolina and anxiety about the adoption.  I guess there's always the on-going fourth category: concern about my mom (who is doing "ok" but dang it, I really, really, really hate that she feels so sick and tired).

First, the annoying technical/credit card problems (and I will try NOT to make this a rant).  I got home from Atlanta last Sunday night.  On Monday morning, I turned on my laptop and it promptly crashed on me.  Big crash.  I had to ship it overnight to my IT guy in NC and do my best working on Tony's laptop.  But then my backup crashed.  What?  Who does that happen to? 

Tuesday morning I had a message from my credit card company about suspicious charges in Los Angeles.  Long story short, Edvard Montevosian stole my credit card somehow and the cops caught him in the act.  Yes, we had the charges reversed and yes, the credit card company cleaned up everything lickity split, but how annoying is that?  You've heard about people putting scanners in ATM machines and gas station credit swipe machines...here's a TIP from Sergeant Suttles:  Use stalls that are closest and in view of the attendant.

Later in the week we received our TRAVEL APPROVAL to pick up little Anna from China.  The problem was, they wanted us to travel on August 30th instead of the first week of Sept like we were hoping.  It turns out China has a host of holidays, festivals i.e. office closures in September so they don't do trips in September.  OUR problem is my mom was going to watch Ryan but obviously can't any longer and Labor Day is not a good time to find people to watch Ryan.  Auntie Patty, my sister, lots of people are going to be out of town.  After a brief meltdown, Tony and I went to lunch and talked out the possibilities.

We got the babysitting figured out, got our consulate appointment and our official travel dates of August 30th.  Now I'm working through the intricacies of Delta's reservation system.  I've been hoarding mileage for this event and I thought we had enough miles for me, Tony, Joy (who will switch places with Tony half way through so Tony can come home to Ryan and I don't have to fly home by myself with a new 18 month old baby from China...yikes!).  After literally hours on the reservation system, I realized with horror that 2 year olds DON'T fly free on international flights and a mileage for a one-way flight for Anna is just as much as a round trip.  Now I have 440,000 Delta miles which is a lot, but not enough for 4 round trip tickets.  We could possibly pay for part of a ticket, but honestly, the entire adoption expense, the upcoming medical procedures and the upcoming move, have me worried about the outlay. 

And that is where I'm at at this point.  At one tearful moment with Tony, I told him it's too hard.  Even if everything works out, what if Anna has severe medical issues that we don't know about and aren't covered by insurance?  What if we can't get all her medical issues taken care of before we move in November?  What if we can't find someone to rent our house in Utah?  What if....

You can see the state of mind I'm in.  I even broached the subject of not going through with the adoption.  With mom's cancer, with moving to North Carolina in November, with everything else, it just seems too much to bear at times.

But then I see little Anna's face in my mind and I know the answer.  Tony also talks me down off the ledge and assures me that we can do this.  But that is the problem.  I know WE can do this, but there are a whole lot of factors (medical insurance) that weigh heavily on me.

So that is the state of affairs in the Smart Family home.  But we do feel fortunate - we have a handsome little boy who loves his mommy and daddy so far and are adding the most adorable little girl into the mix.

I think I might have had a bit of an anxiety attack yesterday (I need to google symptoms) where I just felt sick to my stomach and it hurt like I imagine an ulcer would feel like.  But it was no match for a heartfelt prayer.

So I feel better, but I do wish the ground would stop moving!