treading water

I'm probably not in the best frame of mind to write a post, but it's quiet for a few minutes in our house, so here goes....
 



Our sick little boy...makes me teary just looking at this picture.

The second week at home was MUCH better than the first - mostly because Ryan wasn't sick.   To give you an idea of how sick this little guy was, look at this sad picture.  He has never been so sick that he just slept on the floor or the sofa for several days in a row without eating. 

Anna has had four doctor appointments so far in the two weeks that we've been home.  Unfortunately, I think this is just the beginning.  Last Monday, we spent the entire afternoon at Primary Children's Hospital in their cranial-facial division and saw our plastics surgeon, ear/nose/throat doctor, speech therapist and the dentist/orthodontist.  It was a very long afternoon and while I feel really good about the care we are going to receive, we were on information overload by the time we left the hospital.  Right now, Anna's surgery for her cleft palate repair is set for Tuesday, October 1st.  I'd ask for your prayers for her during and after the surgery, but first, we have to get through an insurance hurdle (and I am tempted to ask for your prayers as I deal with the insurance company!). 



Tony drawing with Anna in the waiting room at Primary Children's.


While everyone kept assuring me that cleft palate repair is "standard of care" and we wouldn't have any problems getting the procedure approved, I am not finding this to be the case.  My doctor is going to talk to the insurance company and hopefully we will be able to go through with the surgery (we are on a tight schedule here due to our move to North Carolina in November!) or it may need to be delayed a few weeks.
 
But I'll save my medical insurance rant for another time...
 
Other than medical stuff, I think we're adjusting really well.  We also had our visit with our social worker for our one month report and even though she witnessed one of Anna's meltdown's and Ryan hitting Anna, she thought we were doing very well.

We have our continual fights over toys, jealousy issues and typical bickering.  I know this is standard fare in most families and I really don't worry too much about it, but man, it gets exhausting!  I think the main difference in this situation is a second child in a family is usually a newborn baby and that newborn baby doesn't get jealous of the older sibling.  Anna gets crazy jealous of Ryan and has started hitting him.  And when she hits Ryan, Ryan starts wailing like he's been mortally wounded.  Anna has hit me and I can barely feel it.  But we go through this circus oh, about 50 times a day.  It's great fun.

But I do see glimpses of hope now and then.  Once in a while Ryan will be helpful and kind to Anna.  And Anna really does adore her big brother.  She will follow him around and if Ryan gives her the time of day, she seizes it and loves it.  Ryan knows how if he makes this funny sound in his throat, it makes her laugh. 

One day we built a fort and let the kids have a picnic.  They giggled and laughed and shared.  And Anna has made peace with Abby. 

It is moments like these and many others that make up for the hundred times I have picked up the legos and toys, the hundred fights I have referred and the thousand tears I have wiped off little faces.

more pictures from the Anyang Orphanage

Since publishing my original posting on the Anyang Orphanage (which you can read here), I've had a few emails from adopting parents of some of these darling children and asking if I had any other pictures.  I went through my emails looking for these email address and haven't been able to find them (I am an organizational mess right now!) so in the meantime, while I continue my search, these pictures are for you mommies and daddies who are adopting these sweet babies.



 

I hope your travel approvals come soon and have these babies in your arms soon!

the last China post (but not the last post about China)

I would forego the last China post if I didn't have such great pictures to share!

Since we had so much downtime in Guangzhou while we waited for our upcoming US Consulate appointment, we went to the zoo. 

Our guides kept telling us about the panda bears and how we would see them.  The expectation management side of me kept my excitement over our zoo visit at bay.

Anna showing a little attitude...

 I've been on too many zoo visits to know better than to expect every animal to be present and/or perform.  And true to form, the panda bears were enclosed in a glass building and you could barely see them.  We didn't even bother taking a picture.

BUT, the rest of the zoo was fabulous!  They had lots of animals - not just the single tiger like you see at Hogle Zoo.  But the best part has to be feeding the giraffes.  For a mere 10 yuan, you got a big bush of leaves to feed the giraffes.  We took Anna in and she was one part fascinated, two parts skeptical and 3 parts scared.  So now Anna can tell her therapist that her mom was feeding her to the giraffes AND the polar bear (see previous post last week).
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did I mention how hot and humid it was in Guangzhou?  90 degree heat and 90% humidity made for a short zoo trip and a very tired little girl.

 

I am grateful

After tossing and turning in bed for a couple of hours (it is about 3am right now), I decided to get up for a quick therapy (writing) session and write about the events of the past few days.  But after reading an email from my dad, all I can think about are miracles and gratitude. 

It's been a while since I've talked about my mom and her current fight with breast cancer. With all the emotion of the China trip and adopting Anna, it was almost more than I could bear. My parents have always been my biggest supporters and when I first talked to my mom about traveling to China to adopt (almost a year ago), her first words were "I want to go!"  And her joining us in China was the plan until she was diagnosed with breast cancer this past summer.  While I was still in China, I received an email from my dad that my mom was going to have a double mastectomy.  She had that surgery last week and it broke my heart that I couldn't fly to California to be with her.

A few hours ago, my dad emailed again and said the pathology report from the surgery came back with very successful results.  The tumor had shrunk a lot during chemo so it was very small and they had clear margins around all of the tumor - meaning they got all the cancer.

My mom is one of the best human beings around.  Ask anyone who knows her and they will agree.  I don't know why she had to endure the pain and suffering that she did.  I do know that she and my dad have been the best examples of faith and hope that I have personally known.  They never waivered in their faith that Heavenly Father loved them and heard their prayers.  They never doubted that mom could be healed, although they knew that it was up to His will.  They never gave up hope, even through chemo sessions and surgery, that mom would be ok - whether she would emerge cancer free or not.

I am grateful I have a dad who took such good care of my mom.  I am grateful for both of them.

I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves us, who stays with us through our trials and who hears prayers.  And most of all, I am grateful that our prayers were answered and that my mom is on the path to recovery.  The worst is behind her and the best is before her.

For all of this, and so much more, I am grateful.

the first week at home

I knew the first week at home was going to be difficult, but this has been a bit ridiculous.

Two days after coming home from China, Ryan started acting very lethargic and saying his mouth hurt - we wondered if he wasn't cutting a molar. He just seemed very sad and it broke my heart so around 4pm, I said to Tony, what if we go to the "z - o - o" (spelling it out) tonight? Ryan turned around and yelled, "I want to go to the zoo!"  Since he outsmarted us, we piled into the car around 4:45pm and got to the zoo just a minute before the gates closed.

There is nothing like a polar bear jumping out of the water to cheer up a little boy. Sadly, I had also put Anna in front of the glass and then a few minutes later the polar bear swam up directly in front of her and scared that little girl to death. I can hear her telling her future therapist about how she thought her mom was feeding her to the bears three days after coming home from China.

 

The zoo was fun, but our little boy was still lethargic. We tried singing songs on the way home, but he just sat in his car seat looking sad. It absolutely broke my heart.

On Tuesday, we lost Ryan. You know that heart stopping conversation..."where's Ryan?  -  I thought he was with you..." We started looking around the house and then running around the house and in the back yard. Then I noticed the front door was closed, but unlocked. The child lock was off as well so I thought he may have gone outside and we took off running up and down the street. I was panicking before, but now I was really frantic. While I was running and yelling "Ryan!" I heard a little voice call out "mommy, mommy" and I turned around and he was behind me. I still don't know where he was - but we found him.

And yes, I cried and cried and cried. I don't have to tell any parents about how I felt...I know you know.  But I think there was a lot of release from the emotions of the prior two weeks because I just sobbed.  It wasn't pretty but man, it was such a good cry and it felt good crying out all of the emotion of the China trip.

On Wednesday Anna had her pediatrician appt.  The good news is Anna is in great health and is actually in the 95th percentile for height and 40th for weight. We took Ryan in as well and she confirmed that he has hand, foot, mouth disease.  She looked in his mouth and said his mouth and throat are a horrible mess (he wouldn't let us look inside). His little mouth is full of sores and there isn't anything we can do besides give him ibuprofen.  On one hand, I am glad he is sick and not depressed about Anna (although there is probably some of that mixed in) but on the other hand, it has been heart breaking to see our little boy just curled up on the sofa, crying and not wanting to do anything.  He is usually such a happy, vivacious little boy, but this week, he just wants to lay down on the sofa or the floor.  We have watched Dumbo, Cars and Jungle Book a thousand times already.

Anna on the other hand, is doing remarkably well. She has made peace with Abby our dog and only cries out when Abby's nose and tongue get within a few inches of hers. She still feels the need to be touching me all the time which makes getting work and other things extremely difficult. She sat at my feet and played with a piece of paper for an hour and then she just stood and hugged my leg while I worked.



She's not flipping you off, she does this sweet little self-soothing routine of rubbing her
fingers over her nose and lip.  She softly rubs the scars from her cleft lip surgery.

She and Ryan are fighting over toys, Ryan has pushed and hit her a few times and one full body tackle (we're working on redirecting that frustration) and she is still crazy jealous and possessive of mommy. I've been holding Ryan a lot because he is so miserable and she will start crying and will try to remove my arms from Ryan. What makes it worse is I used to try to hold both of them, but I don't want her to get sick so I sit her down a few inches from us and she takes it as absolute rejection.

The pediatrician said to prepare for Anna getting sick too since it is so contagious - that will be really fun.  And we probably won't be going to church or anywhere fun on Saturday since we don't want to infect anyone.  So if you see me next week with a glazed look, you'll know why. 

But we'll get through this like we get through everything else right?



Guangzhou

On the bus headed to the medical clinic

I've only been home a few days now but our China trip seems like a lifetime ago. I did want to post about the rest of the trip so I don't forget, so I have a record for Anna and well, to share with you all.

Nathan strutting his stuff

Compared to Zhengzhou, the week in Guangzhou was a breeze. We only had 2 appointments that week - the first to the medical clinic for all the children to get checked over and the second to the US Consulate to get the children's US visas to travel home.

ear nose throat check at the clinic



the nurse's station - Anna had a serious look of concern

The medical clinic on Monday was a half day event with all 10 families and 12 children loading up on the bus and heading to the clinic. We understood the clinic would be air conditioned (Guangzhou was about 90 degrees and 90% humidity!) but Chinese air conditioning is vastly different than the air conditioning we have here at home. 



waiting at the clinic - iPad's were the cure-all for boredom for the bigger kids

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Anna showing her calculator (her favorite toy) to Nathan

The clinic has a special section just for Chinese adoptees and that is where we camped out for a few hours.  I did enjoy all the families and children being together - the kids could run up and down and interact a bit.  Anna was in top form being very social and active. She would run up and down and hug people's legs and just look up in their eyes with her cute little expressions.

our happy little Anna

Chatting with Valerie

Anna dancing with Joy

We had 3 stations that each child had to go to - a general check / ear, nose, throat / nurses station for general stats - height, weight, temp, etc. When Anna gets into these situations, she kind of shuts down a bit and just goes still. It makes me realize that she's already have a lot of medical work in her short little life. Sometimes with Ryan, I have to hold him and do my best to distract him so he will sit still, but Anna became statue-like. I was able to either hold her or at least hold her hand so I hope that was comforting to her.  The kids older than 2 years old had to have a TB test and they had to go into a room without their parents for the blood test - that would have broken my heart (and I know it broke the other parents' hearts).

Luckily, Anna passed with flying colors (at least that's what I interpreted absolutely zero comments from the doctors and nurses!). And soon we were headed back home on the buses.


The Canton Tower all lit up at night

Our Pearl River cruise boat

We grabbed lunch, Anna slept for about 3 hours (she's a GREAT sleeper!) and then we went to on a river cruise where we had a less than desirable meal (unless you desire chicken feet and heads) and a pretty desirable cruise along the river.


One of the 9 bridges we passed under - they were all lit up and beautiful

Anna and Nathan played on the roof of the river boat and it was wonderful just to relax and enjoy the trip a bit. The buildings and bridges (we passed under 9 bridges) were beautiful and all lit up. And while I was still so grateful that Joy was there with me, my only comment to her on this potentially romantic Pearl River Dinner Cruise was, "no offense, but I sure wish Tony was here."

The Canton Tower

nothing but pictures

I had hoped to keep posting as often as I had, but alas, life (and jet lag) has caught up with me. So for now, here are some pictures that I've been meaning to post.



the hotel delivering the cribs for our group on Gotcha Day.

In our hotel the first week - this drawer was the equivalent of the Tupperware drawer...Anna would take her clothes out and put them back in....over and over and over.

Joy arrives!  Her first bonding moments...

they were buddies by the second day

snacks...the way to Anna's heart!

an Ipad is a close second to snacks though

this girl loves to play and laugh!

Anna and Nathan playing in the hotel lobby in Guangzhou

home

Because we used flight miles to travel, we had a pretty long itinerary for the trek home - about 42 hours total travel time. We left the hotel in Guangzhou on Friday morning at 7:30am (Thursday night at 5:30pm in Utah) and got home to SLC at 10:30am on Saturday. But hey, the flights were free.

I also booked Anna as a lap child instead of getting her a ticket. Now Anna is pretty attached by now and in travel terms, way too attached for my arm, shoulder and back muscles. She wouldn't go to Joy even though Joy was sitting right next to me so except for a few bathroom breaks, I held Anna in my arms for the 2 hour flight to Beijing, the 12 hour flight to Detroit and the 3 hour flight to SLC. Tony has been rubbing my arms, shoulders, neck and back since I've been home, but they are still in pretty bad shape.

So home....what they say is so true. There is no place like home. I had my sister pick us up from the airport as I wanted my our reunion - and Ryan's meeting Anna for the first time to be at home instead of the airport.

We pulled into the driveway and Tony and Ryan came out to the driveway to meet us. Ryan saw me and started yelling, "there's mommy, there's mommy!" And that is when I started crying. He ran over to me and I sat down on the driveway and held my two babies and cried and cried. It was such a sweet and tender moment.

Eventually, we made it into the house and got down to the business of getting Anna settled. We had put Abby (our yellow lab) in the back yard since Anna is afraid of dogs. Anna was a bit bewildered, but seemed to be adjusting. Ryan was an absolute champ. He would bring his toys over to Anna and he would talk to her. And he kept repeating "you came home and you brought Anna."




Ryan telling Anna not to touch the clock in front of the TV:  It's not a toy, Anna.

They played with Ryan's legos and at first it was a bit of a power struggle over the toys. But I showed Ryan how to hand something to Anna and then ask for it back with your hand open and Anna complied. And then we practiced sharing - which Ryan is already fairly good at. Ryan would also bring Anna's stuffed bear over to her and say, "here's your bear Anna". And then he would say funny things like (pointing at Abby sitting sadly outside in the backyard) - "Abby is having a time out".




It looks like a hug, but I'm pretty sure it's not. Anyway, how cute are they?

They are certainly having their moments of conflict though - mostly over toys, but Anna gets really jealous whenever I hold Ryan. Ryan seems to be ok, but he definitely wants to be held by mommy a lot more than usual.

They had their first bath together on Sunday and seemed to like playing together - at least they were both laughing and splashing.



Ryan was definitely having a fun time...Anna seemed to be unsure whether to laugh or cry.

So all in all, things are going pretty well. Anna is pretty freaked out by the enormous monster in the house (Abby). How would you feel being taken from your home to a place that was totally foreign and being placed in a new home with strangers who fed you weird food, spoke a strange language that you didn't understand and there was a huge animal, twice your size that wanted to lick your face?
 
 
 
 

Joy

Sorry - I have lots of pictures to upload, but the internet is sooo slow they won't upload.  I'm several days behind on our schedule anyway....early in the morning we begin our 36 hour trek back home!!! Yes, 36 hours...that's what happens when you use frequent flier miles.

Anyway, here is the posting...pictures to come when I get back in the states!

On Sunday, we didn’t have any plans except for a paperwork meeting late in the afternoon. The Fullmer’s had done their research before coming to China and found the local branch of our church to attend. I had thought about looking up the church meeting time before leaving on our trip, but I never got around to it – I was lucky to get our bags packed before we left! But when the Fullmer’s told me they were going to church, I got so excited. Some of my most spiritual church experiences have been in foreign countries – Thailand, Hong Kong, Peru and how often do you have the chance to attend church in China?!

The only hitch was Joy was arriving around the time church was. Her plane landed at 11am, church was at noon and I hadn’t communicated anything other than I would wait for her at the hotel. So I was in a conundrum about what to do. If anyone would want me to go to church, it would be Joy.

So I copied the Fullmer’s map to the church, wrote a note to Joy, and actually left directions to the church to leave with the front desk so when she checked in, she would know where we were. We were I the lobby ready to go and the front desk wasn’t cooperating. They wouldn’t leave my note for Joy, there wasn’t really time for me to figure out another plan, run up to the room and leave a note for Joy and I just couldn’t pull it together. So at the last minute I told the Fullmer’s to go ahead without me and sadly, I waved good-bye. I was so disappointed.

Now I’m no scriptorian and my recall of the parable of the ten virgins is a bit fuzzy, but I do recall some of the virgins not being prepared at all, some trying to borrow oil for their lamps from others and some being completely prepared with their lamps full of oil. I definitely wasn’t in the latter category and actually fit in both of the other two categories – completely unprepared and trying to borrow from the Fullmer’s preparation and plans.

A little bit later though, Joy arrived! Boy, was it great to see her. It had only been a few days since Tony left, but it seemed like forever. I travel by myself all the time and am so used to being in foreign places by myself, but the day Tony left, I felt so very lonely. When he walked out the door, I started crying and all that day, I would tear up like a teenager who had just had her heart broken. So Joy’s arrival really did my heart good.

As you would guess, Joy was able to break through Anna’s shell pretty quickly. Bribing with treats certainly helped, but treats aside, soon Joy and Anna were pretty good buddies.

Anna and Nathan

Nathan and Anna in the lobby of the China Hotel, Guangzhou

A few weeks before we were traveling to China, the other adopting parents in our travel group began emailing and introducing ourselves to each other. I sent an email introducing Tony and myself and our 17 month old daughter An Jing.

I received a quick response from one adopting mom, Laura, in my group that said:  Natalie, I have been searching for you for months and months.

She went on to explain that her son that she was adopting, Nathan, was in the foster home "Little Flower Projects" and she had seen several pictures of a little girl "An Jing" in many of the pictures with Nathan.  After Nathan was transferred from Little Flower to his current foster home (which prefers to remain anonymous), An Jing was still in several of his pictures. She then found out that An Jing was being adopted as well and began a search for her parents by posting on adoption groups, etc trying to find us. She had been searching for this little girl's parents for quite some time and then she received my email. While she had been posting all over the internet looking for me, I had inadvertently found her.

Nathan and Anna (and Nathan's nanny) traveling to meet us on Gotcha Day

It turns out that Anna and Nathan have followed the same path for most of their little lives. They both started out at the Anyang Orphanage, then were transferred to The Little Flower Projects (a wonderful foster home!) where they both had their cleft lip surgeries and then they went to the third foster home. And then their path together continued as it turned out that both of their parents not only used the same adoption agency, but they were in the same travel group, would meet their new parents on the same day and would be together for another couple of weeks before they went to their own homes!

I cried and cried when I heard this little miracle. I had been a "little" stressed about getting everything ready for the trip - three tradeshow trips in July and August prior to my trip to China did nothing to help my stress level. I was feeling overwhelmed and worried about a lot of little details.

But when I received Laura's email, I realized the most important detail. These two little abandoned children have been watched over by a loving Heavenly Father from the beginning of their lives. I can't believe that Nathan's parents and Anna's parents being in the same travel group was just a coincidence. And I was so grateful for the miracle of it all.

Anna and Nathan at The Little Flower prior to their cleft lip surgeries.

It was at that point that a peaceful, calm feeling came over me. Everything would work out fine and would be ok. If Heavenly Father could orchestrate their paths to this point, He clearly was in charge.  How grateful I am for these beautiful children, for the kindness and care they received along the way at the different homes they were at and for the watchful care and protection they, along with all of the abandoned children in the world, receive from a loving Heavenly Father.