I've been crying a lot lately

It's true. And it's not because I've been watching cheesy Hallmark holiday movies. There are a lot of reasons lately and I'm not sure how to tie this together in a cohesive blog posting. So I'll just start typing and see where this takes us. hang on...there might be some sad moments...

On November 30th, my little brother Trent called with some sad news. A good friend of his, Jared Johansen, passed away in his sleep. Jared is young. I'd guess around 27 or so. He has a young, beautiful wife named Tiffany, a daughter who is a little older than Ryan and they are expecting another baby girl in January.

They are a beautiful family. Jared's parents are friends with my parents and are the salt of the earth type of people. And even though I only knew Jared as Trent's friend, my heart has been breaking for them.

Take a look at this and you'll see what I mean. http://www.jaredjohansenlegacy.com/

I don't mean to turn everything and make it about me, but I think the reason I've been so emotional is because this is my biggest fear. Being older parents, my biggest fear is leaving Ryan behind without any parents. Now you may think that is an irrational fear, but that is what happened to my dear husband. His mother passed away when he was 17 and his father when he was 22. And it breaks my heart when I hear him talk about what a desperately sad and lonely time it was for him.

And while he had older brothers and sisters, they didn't have a strong community around them - whether it was church or extended family or friends and it was a difficult time for Tony.

So back to my biggest fear of leaving Ryan alone in the world...it appears that a biological second child isn't going to be in the picture, so we're in the process of exploring other "options" to bring another child (or children??) into our family.

And believe me, that isn't easy. I'm still in the exploration phase and quite frankly, it's overwhelming.

Sure, we'd love to adopt a healthy, newborn baby, but really, a 53 and 45 year old couple probably isn't the first choice for a birth mom. Besides, there are so many babies and children in the world who are living in orphanages who need a home.

That led me to look at international adoptions. But again, the age thing. We're too old to adopt from most countries. Except for Special Needs adoptions in China, which quite honestly, is what I've been drawn to from the very beginning.

So I've been reading stories about children who need a home. I've been watching videos of children who have found their "forever family". And that is another reason why I've been crying a lot lately. I've also been researching foster adoptions again.

All these children in the world who need love and care. It truly is heartbreaking. I wish we could take them all into our home and love them and care for them.

So if you happen to see me with red-rimmed eyes or a stuffy nose, it's probably because I've just watched a video about a little baby in China who needs a cleft palate surgery...and a loving home.