This business of finding a child to adopt is exhausting work. I often tell people that the paperwork is as painful as childbirth. And I still stand by that.
But the phase we're in, the match stage, is emotionally exhausting. I had a long, hard emotional day yesterday and this morning I feel completely spent.
Most families, after they receive their login date (the date your dossier is literally logged in in China) simply wait for their agency to match them with a child. Or, they might do what I did prior to receiving our news about our possible employment change, which is look at the website once in a while, request a file, pray about whether this child is the right one to join your family. Because we no longer have the luxury of time, of waiting to be matched on our agency's timeframe, I've been checking the website in the morning and before I go to bed to see if there are any children for us.
Two days ago, I saw a video of the most darling little boy on Facebook. Usually you aren't supposed to show pictures of the kids, but my agency posted a video on their Facebook page, so with that in mind, click here to watch the video of little Shan. I watched the video and fell in love. I'd seen that little boy before on their website and knew his file was to be returned to China soon, but I emailed and asked to see his file.
They sent back tons of pictures (usually they only have 2 or 3) plus the video, plus a bunch of documentation. He has post-op heart disease (again, info on their facebook page) and so I thought, why not? Heart disease is not an area that I've researched very much, but I thought I would have time to do some checking. I was wrong.
When they sent his file, they said, we would need a letter of intent by 4pm today (this was at 11am mind you) and we would need to lock in tomorrow. Yikes (understatement). Thus began my flurry of emails and inquiries as to whether someone knew a heart doctor to talk to.
I prayed. I really loved this little boy and I wanted his post-operative heart to be part of our family. As I sent out email after email, I just knew there would be someone who knew someone who could answer our questions (and our prayers). Is this little boy's heart strong enough that he could live a long, full life? Or will this little boy's heart need surgery after surgery to stay strong and healthy? Will this little boy's heart need a little bit of loving, watchful care, but chances looked good?
In the afternoon, my cousin Troy emailed and said he sent our file to a friend who was a pediatric cardiologist in Boston. In the meantime, I wrote our Letter of Intent and filled out several more pieces of paperwork. We could still opt out before we were locked in, but they needed to start translating or the file would be sent back. I just knew this was the little boy for us.
We spoke to David, the pediatric cardiologist who really, could not be any nicer. He offered to get on a skype call where he could show us drawings of the heart and offered to talk any time now, after the adoption, heck, I got the feeling if I ever had a bad day I could just call him up and vent. He was seriously amazing.
But he also told us the reality of little Shan's heart disease. Chances were he'd have a healthy life, but he would likely need procedures and very possible an operation down the line. And in the end, it was too much for us to process and decide in less than 24 hours. Tony is very often a single dad while I travel and the thought of dealing with a less than heart healthy situation was daunting. Enough so that with a very sad and heavy heart, I emailed our agency and told them we would have to "pass."
I never know the right words when we decide not to accept a child. And while we've been studying hearts and heart disease the past 24 hours, I've been very aware how much we incorporate "heart" into our conversations. It breaks my heart. I feel heavy hearted. Talking to helpful, caring people does my heart good.
And although we weren't able to give our family and our home to adorable little Shan, he has my heart. My whole heart.
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