loneliness

I was single a LONG time before I married Tony. My pre-marriage life was a full one. I had a demanding job, lots of good friends, I traveled a lot for work and as much as I could for play.

And for the most part, I was rarely lonely.

Several years ago, some of my friends had a little contest about the most romantic place they had traveled to...solo. I have quite a list: Hawaii, Paris, New York, Hong Kong to name a few. And still, I wasn't lonely.

So now I'm married and have the cutest little baby...I'm in New York and now I'm lonely.

Today is also my birthday (note: I wrote this last night). I spent the day traveling to New York. The TSA agent wished me a happy birthday as I passed through security. I arrived at my hotel and our other employees who were supposed to arrive today were delayed because of weather. So I took myself to dinner and even treated myself to dessert.

The thing is, I've spent almost all of my last ten birthdays the same way because the NY Gift Fair is always at the end of January. Sometimes I'm traveling, sometimes I'm spending the day unpacking furniture setting up our booth, sometimes I'm on my feeet all day talking to interior designers about our furniture. I even spent my 40th birthday here at the show. And in the last ten years, I don't think I've ever been lonely.

Loneliness is an interesting thing. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I'm actually enjoying being lonely.

I spent a lot of time today thinking about how blessed I am. I have an amazing familly from my parents and siblings to my aunts, uncles and cousins. I have amazing friends who are so kind and supportive. And now, I have an amazing husband and son.

So yes, it's a little lonely here in my hotel room in New York. But I'm grateful I have Tony and Ryan in my life...having them in my life to miss makes the loneliness not only worth it, but enjoyable.

resolved?

It's nearly February and I haven't even thought about a single New Years Resolution. Not even one. And that's not like me. I LOVE this time of year - the renewal thing and all.

Maybe it's because last year we decided to begin the foster adoption process and look how that turned out. I'm not saying it was bad or anything, it was just about as different as could be expected.

But since it is nearly February, I've decided it's time to start thinking about the new year...at least the next 11 months.

I'm flying to New York tomorrow morning so thought I'd take the time to reflect on what I need and what I want and to see if I can tell the difference between the two.

I did see a little video on a "Time Out for Women" advertisement asking women to think about the possibilities of the year. The theme is "Choose to Become".

So that's what I'll be pondering until I return...what I should choose to become. The tricky thing for me is always what comes after I choose to become. It's the "How to Become" part that I get stuck on. Again, referring to a year ago, I chose to become a foster adoption mom, but got confused on the process and become an actual mom. Not that I'm complaining, but it's a pretty significant difference in outcome.

And that is what scares me.

unfiltered

Can I be really, really honest?


This blog isn't what I really wanted it to be. What I really wanted is a blog where I could be completely and totally honest without any filtering. I wanted to write about myself, my life, about those around me and the world we live in without worrying about what people thought about me or worrying about anyone's feelings.


I wanted to write about things I love about myself without anyone thinking I was narcissistic. I wanted to write about things I don't love about myself without anyone judging me. I wanted to write about doubts and fears and hopes and dreams.


I even thought about creating this blog anonymously. And I wondered why I wanted a public forum. Why wouldn't a private journal suffice? I don't know the answer to the question and I don't know what the intrigue of an unfiltered blog is to me, but there it is.


Last week was horrible. And for a lot of reasons, I don't think I can write about it. Mostly because it involves someone else who said something horrible to me. To satisfy your curiousity, it wasn't Tony or any of my family. It was someone I associate with on a regular basis.

It was untrue and unjust and I'm trying to figure out what to do about it. Feeling confident that I did the right thing isn't enough. But I'm not sure how to go about fixing my situation without creating a problem for someone else.


And I wish I could write about it. Unfiltered.

Best In Show

Hey y'all,

That's what we say down here in Atlanta. Atlanta is a frequent stop for me, but this time, I just have to say wow. You've probably seen the snowy, icy mess on the news. And yes, it is as bad as it looks on the news.

And honestly, it makes me appreciate my snowy home in Salt Lake, which I never thought I would say. What I appreciate is the infrastructure we have in place to deal with the weather. And while it's true that I've been known to not leave my house for days during the Utah winter, when I do, the roads are often plowed, salted and taken care of so even a California driver such as myself can venture out without risking the lives of those around me. The glossy sheets of ice on the sidewalks and roads here are testing the limits of my snow shoes.

But enough of the weather...and on to the reason why I am here...

Our new company MR BROWN is showing at our second tradeshow and, if I do say so myself, we look amazing. In fact, we were awarded the Best Showroom which is the top award they give out and our competition is a mere 4000 other showrooms.

It's still rough traveling and being away from Tony and Ryan, but working for a beautiful line and in a beautiful showroom helps. So until I'm back home next week, see y'all later.

My half decorated home...

In spite of my desire to keep our Christmas tree up year round so Ryan can sit in his swing and stare at the lights, I started taking Christmas down last weekend. I'm pretty sure the tree will be the last to go though.

Actually, I never really got Christmas completely up in the first place. I started getting excited to decorate my new house back in October. By Thanksgiving, I was raring to go. But I never got the deed fully done. Between a perpetually busy job and a perpetually busy four month old, it just didn't happen.

But luckily I've mastered my art of managing my expectations so well, that I really am ok with that. In fact, I've embraced my half decorated home. So here are some photos - more for my amusement than anything really....

First, our entry way. I have the perfect console for a nativity. Here is a photo of our lovely entry way that sets the tone for the spirit of Christmas sans Baby Jesus who sadly, was never found.

One of the things this new house is missing is a fireplace mantel. I wasn't sure where to put our stockings so I gave Tony the assignment to find the perfect branch on one of his runs in the mountains. I think he did quite well and I might just leave the branch up all year. Here is a photo of our lovely branch mantel sans a stocking for baby Ryan which I never managed to make. Originally they were spaced out better, but after Christmas we just hooked Tony's on any available stump.

Our big windows have wide ledges which I thought would be perfect for my Department 56 houses. And they were, except for the wiring. I haven't quite figured that out yet.

Tony was excited to buy a train to go around the tree - he thought a train would look great among all my houses. And it would've...if we could have gotten it to run. When we bought the carpet, we splurged and bought the cushiest carpet pad available which isn't the most conducive for running trains. So Tony bought a lovely piece of wood to put the train on which looked fine when it was covered with presents, but after Christmas it just looked like a piece of wood. But I loved the train - working or not.

This is just a cool picture because the flash created a shadow of the house on the wall. This is the one corner that I really liked. It was simple, but at night when I turned on the lights, it reflected in the glass top and created a pretty and nice ambiance.

I still loved my half decorated home - it not only felt peaceful but it spoke of simplicity and acceptance. Which is exactly what I needed Santa to bring me this year.

my 2011 blogging resolution...

#1 - Do NOT start multi-part blogs.

During the night when I can't sleep I formulate these great articles in my head. They are cute, clever and quippy. But then I fall asleep and by the time I wake my groggy self up in the morning, something happens to anything clever that once resided in my head.

Maybe it's just that things are so much funnier in the middle of the night.
Maybe I'M funnier in the middle of the night.
But most likely, it's neither and I'm not funny at all and when I wake up, that's the reality.

This is a long way to say, my last posting will probably not have a part 2.

Which is really too bad, because 2010 was such an eventful year with lots of highs (Ryan born) and lows (Ryan born early) that would be fun to review. You know, never seen photos and never shared thoughts and the like.

Hmmm...maybe it would be a good posting. We'll see how it goes, but don't hold your breath.

In the meantime, happy 2011!

Natalie....mother, wife, blogger