Tom...an update

We hadn't heard from Tom for several weeks, which we hoped was a good thing. We knew his time at the extended stay motel was up on January 23rd, and we discussed whether we should check in and see if he was doing ok (i.e. needed more money) or let him be independent and stay on his own. We knew if he needed anything he would call so we decided to let it go another week.

A few weeks ago I sent him a text that just said something like, "thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. drop me a line and let me know if you need anything." And then I didn't hear anything for about a week. Which was odd. He was always pretty responsive.

Then I went out of town and kinda forgot about it as I was caught up with work.

Tom called last week and he's doing pretty good. Not great, but he's doing ok. He's still in the extended stay motel - he's made enough money to extend it another month, but he doesn't have very much money for much else. He still doesn't have his driver's license and I offered again to drive him to the DMV.

His job isn't turning out to be the money-maker that he thought it would be which is a disappointment. So he's basically making about minimum wage which is tough to live on if you need to catch up on things.

He's looking for other employment and grateful for what he has...a job, co-workers who live nearby who give him a ride, food to eat and a bed to sleep in.

So for now, he's holding strong, but I feel for the man. He's working 6 days a week and is pretty exhausted. But considering where he was just a few months ago, freezing as he slept in his van, very little food, no job, he's come a long way.

unresolved

About a month ago I wrote a post called "resolved?" where I talked about making New Years Resolutions (yes, it was almost February, but that's how things go around here now). When I wrote that post, I was headed to New York and I was resolved to make some resolutions. Well, at least one. I wanted to think about what I wanted to become this year.

The lack of follow-up on this blog doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. I have. A lot.

For the first time in my life, I really can't come up with much. I can think of the usual "get in shape, read more, work on my spirituality" but nothing is really inspiring me. The problem is I'm not sure what the problem is.

It may be that the majority of my time is spent in auto-pilot mode. Ryan cries, I feed him. My phone rings, I answer it. I receive emails, I answer them. I'm pretty much in response mode. The other night as we were getting in bed, I said to Tony, "well, we made it through another day." He looked over at me and said, "is it that bad honey?"

And it really isn't bad, I'm actually pretty happy these days and love being Ryan's mommy and Tony's wife. But I have to admit, sometimes I miss having a carefree day with nothing on my to-do list. But I digress...

Auto-pilot. I think that is my main mode these days. Sure, there are days here and there where I turn it off and have SOME control over my life. For example, I'm off sugar again (I think there was a posting about that too...about how I had gestational diabetes and I'm determined NOT to upgrade). But you probably didn't know I was ON sugar (that happened on Christmas Eve and continued through my two trips to Atlanta and New York, but give me credit for maintaining control over Thanksgiving please...). But I digress again...

So I'm still pondering my New Years Resolutions and whether or not I want to become anything this year.

The word "balance" keeps popping into my head, but that is an extremely loaded word and worthy of its own post.

For now, I think I'll turn the auto-pilot back on, sit back and enjoy the ride.

a traveling mom

I never really planned on having a big career. Not that I do, but it's bigger and more demanding than I ever thought it would be (remember my mantra...). But since I wasn't a mom or a wife, it made sense to focus on a career. So focus I did.

But now I find myself in a bit of a quandry. I love my job and my career. I feel very fortunate to have the jobs that I've had. Over the past ten years I've had to travel quite a bit and I still have to. And now that I have a little bundle of love in my life, traveling is also my biggest challenge right now.

Last Friday at midnight I returned home from my third trip this year and fifth since Ryan was born last August. The first time I traveled without Ryan was horrible. When Tony dropped me off at the airport, I was a mess. The skycap asked me if I was ok and I could barely tell him I had a new baby that I was leaving behind. The skycap just looked at me straight in the eye and said, "just wait until he's 12 years old. Those will be tears of joy."

With five trips under my belt, people often ask me if leaving Ryan is getting any easier. Well, it's not.

But when I'm not traveling, I get to work from home. And Tony works from home too so when I'm in town, it's wonderful. People also ask whether I get very much work done. I do.

I often wonder whether it would be better to have a "normal" job where I wouldn't travel, but I also wouldn't work from home. The frequency of these thoughts increases dramatically when I'm traveling. Every night before I go to bed I watch videos of Ryan on my phone and Tony gives me a full run-down on the days activities - how much he ate, slept, pooped, you name it.

And the nights when I'm on the phone with Tony and I can hear Ryan being fussy, I feel really guilty. I feel bad that Tony has to be a single dad so often. I feel sad when I'm not there to see Ryan do things for the first time.

Often when I return home after a week or so, I feel a little out of sync. It's as if Ryan and Tony have had a week to bond, just the two of them and they get into their own rhythm. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE that Tony has this one-on-one time with Ryan. And I also LOVE that Tony is both willing and able to take care of Ryan on his own. But I do feel a little out of sync when I get home and it just feels, well, out of sync.

But when Tony and I weigh all the pros and the cons, we love our time together when I'm in town. And I do realize it is our time apart that makes us appreciate our time together.

did I mention we're average?

Ryan was a 4 lb 12 oz preemie, which by preemie standards is pretty good size. He seemed like a giant baby in the NICU.

At two months he was 9 lb 9 oz and 21 inches - and in the 5th percentile

At four months, he was 13 lb 12 oz and 24" - and in the 20th percentile

At his 6 month appointment he was a whopping 16 lb 14 oz and 26" and in the 50th percentile!

Never before have I been so happy to be average!

the New York Gift Fair

I was in New York a couple of weeks ago for the New York Gift Fair where we showed both companies, Julian Chichester and our new company, Mr Brown.

Here are some pics I took with my phone (i.e. not the greatest, but not horrible either). The space looked beautiful if I do say so myself.

The table above is by far our best selling piece. People LOVE that base. It somes in a glass top, wood top, oval, square, rectangular and round. It's a pretty expensive in my book (around $9,000 for the larger sizes). There must be a lot of rich people still around because we're still selling a TON of them.

I love the mirrors above - They are our Jane Churchill Mirrors.

The front of our space complete with lovely blue carpet in the aisles.

Next up...Mr Brown...

happy valentines day daddy!

Dear Daddy,

Happy Valentines Day to the best daddy in the whole world! Thank you for visiting me everyday in the hospital - I loved it when we napped together.

Thank you for all you do to take care of me and mommy. And thank you most of all for always playing with me.

I love you lots and lots!

Ryan

my other personality

At the New York Gift Fair we had two booths that were opposite each other. Everyone said they look fabulous. I should have taken a photo of a typical space so you can see how good our booths look. We put a lot of money and effort into making it look great. I think it works, don't you?

Since I work for both companies, I was constantly going back and forth. So here's my other personality...

guess what we've been doing?

Oh the joys of feeding rice cereal to a baby...

I didn't think it would be easy, but I didn't realize how hard those first few days would be. But he seems to be getting the hang of it. I don't think much cereal actually made it to Ryan's little tummy those first few days...I have to admit that I might have ended the cereal eating session a bit prematurely though.

But by the third day, Ryan was opening his mouth and actually eating the cereal. And I think maybe 50% of the cereal made it to his tummy. I'm no expert, but in my book, that's good enough for me.

This slow transition to eating solids has me thinking about breast feeding which has never been my strong suit. Not that I don't enjoy it, I really do. Even those middle of the night feedings. I love that connection you feel with your little baby and I love just looking down at his cute face as he's nursing. So yes, I do enjoy breast feeding.

At the risk of TMI, the part that isn't my strong suit is in the milk production area. I only produce about 1 to 2 ounces of milk. And if you must know, my right breast doesn't produce ANY milk at all and yes, I am a bit lopsided (tmi again...). And lately even that has been dwindling. I'm going to keep breast feeding as long as I can, but I fear my nursing days are numbered.

I know I'm lucky to have a baby at this late stage in my game and I think even being able to breast feed at all, even if it is just an ounce or two, is a gift that I'll gladly accept as long as I can keep it going.

I will say that I've been pumping in some not-so-lovely public restrooms in my travels these past few months. The airport restrooms aren't so bad, but the restroom in Pier 94 in New York, is by far my least favorite pumping venue.

But like I said, if that's what it takes, I'll take it.

miracles

We are studying the New Testament in chuch and last Sunday we talked about miracles. When we talked about the role of miracles, my mind wandered as I reflected on Ryan's time in the NICU.

Probably the scariest time we had in the hospital was when the virus necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC) was spreading through the NICU. Nec is a very serious virus that leads to intestinal problems and a lot of the babies were getting it. The way they tell if you have it is by taking an x-ray. I still remember the feeling I had when our doctor told us Ryan's x-ray's showed he had nec. I felt like my body went completely numb. I don't remember a lot of the conversation because my mind was spinning, but I do remember panicking.

Later that day, Tony gave Ryan a blessing and that panic disappeared. During the blessing I felt a peaceful feeling come over me. I didn't know whether that peaceful feeling meant Ryan would be cured or whether it meant Ryan would have the long-term effects of nec (which can include surgery to remove damaged parts of the intestines), but we would still be ok. I did know that whatever happened, we would be able to handle it.

That didn't mean I didn't hope he would be cured. I prayed and prayed our little boy would be healthy. I prayed for a miracle.

Our prayers were answered. The doctors told us that he actually did NOT have nec (although the x-rays showed he did). I don't know if I could ever express how I felt at that moment. I was so full of relief and every other happy emotion.

And I knew that we were blessed with a miracle.

On Sunday when we were talking about miracles, I realized that we actually saw two miracles. I will always be grateful that Ryan escaped the NEC virus. I'm also so grateful for the miracle of calmness, peace and reassurance that I felt during that time and throughout those difficult two months.

I'm also aware that others around us didn't see the miracles that they hoped and prayed for. My heart hurts for them. Since Ryan's little body was healed, it may not be fair for me to say this, but I do believe that while everyone may not see the physical miracle they hope for, they can experience the miracle of peace.

And this is the miracle I hope and pray for everyday.