a traveling mom

I never really planned on having a big career. Not that I do, but it's bigger and more demanding than I ever thought it would be (remember my mantra...). But since I wasn't a mom or a wife, it made sense to focus on a career. So focus I did.

But now I find myself in a bit of a quandry. I love my job and my career. I feel very fortunate to have the jobs that I've had. Over the past ten years I've had to travel quite a bit and I still have to. And now that I have a little bundle of love in my life, traveling is also my biggest challenge right now.

Last Friday at midnight I returned home from my third trip this year and fifth since Ryan was born last August. The first time I traveled without Ryan was horrible. When Tony dropped me off at the airport, I was a mess. The skycap asked me if I was ok and I could barely tell him I had a new baby that I was leaving behind. The skycap just looked at me straight in the eye and said, "just wait until he's 12 years old. Those will be tears of joy."

With five trips under my belt, people often ask me if leaving Ryan is getting any easier. Well, it's not.

But when I'm not traveling, I get to work from home. And Tony works from home too so when I'm in town, it's wonderful. People also ask whether I get very much work done. I do.

I often wonder whether it would be better to have a "normal" job where I wouldn't travel, but I also wouldn't work from home. The frequency of these thoughts increases dramatically when I'm traveling. Every night before I go to bed I watch videos of Ryan on my phone and Tony gives me a full run-down on the days activities - how much he ate, slept, pooped, you name it.

And the nights when I'm on the phone with Tony and I can hear Ryan being fussy, I feel really guilty. I feel bad that Tony has to be a single dad so often. I feel sad when I'm not there to see Ryan do things for the first time.

Often when I return home after a week or so, I feel a little out of sync. It's as if Ryan and Tony have had a week to bond, just the two of them and they get into their own rhythm. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE that Tony has this one-on-one time with Ryan. And I also LOVE that Tony is both willing and able to take care of Ryan on his own. But I do feel a little out of sync when I get home and it just feels, well, out of sync.

But when Tony and I weigh all the pros and the cons, we love our time together when I'm in town. And I do realize it is our time apart that makes us appreciate our time together.