Ryan's Watch

* warning - this is not a fun story and there are bloody pictures ahead.

Ryan is really into watches these days.  He loves to ask for my watch and giggles when I put it on his wrist or even his ankle.  He loves to push the different buttons and hear them beep.

A couple of days ago, Ryan received his own "watch" as he called it.  But it wasn't a happy story and it certainly didn't make anyone giggle.

Ryan and I were home enjoying an evening alone together.  Tony was working in Heber and my brother Brian had my car in Provo.  Ryan and I were on the sofa together, laughing, singing and playing.  He started jumping like he does about every other minute and I let him since I was right there with him.  But suddenly he did a backflip out of my arms and his head went smack against the corner of the coffee table.  I can still hear it and it makes me cringe.

Ryan is a tough kid, but he starting yelling right away and I knew he was hurt.  Bad.

I still remember the feeling when I saw his bloody ear.  Any mother who has had a hurt child will know how I felt.  I just can't describe it, but it was awful.  Ryan was writhing in pain, I was trying to put a cloth on his ear to stop the bleeding and I knew I was hurting him just by touching it.  And then it hit me.  I didn't have a car.

I quickly called my sister who lives close by but they were headed out to a family camp-out.  They had just gotten on the freeway but she said, we'll be right there.  I called Tony and he said to go across the street to our neighbor's house (she's the NICU nurse who helped take care of Ryan when he was born).  She took one look and agreed that I needed to take him in for stitches (not that I even questioned that).

Janelle arrived (they stopped at their house and she got her other car).  It's a bit of a story, but we ended up at Primary Children's Hospital.

A little while later Tony arrived and we waited together.  Ryan's cut (it looks like a chunk is missing, but it just split apart) was deep, through the cartilage and they needed a plastic surgeon to stitch it up.

After more waiting, they came and put an IV in his hand and then they gave him a sedative.  He was conscious, but very sedated so they could stitch him up.

It absolutely broke my heart seeing his sad eyes look up at us.  We were right there with him and he just looked in my eyes the entire time.  I had tears streaming down my face as they stitched and then had to give him another dose of the sedative because he could feel it.

I was very grateful that we have the medical facilities to take care of my little boy, but it was SO hard to experience.  I also had to push away the feelings of guilt and the feelings that I didn't protect my little baby enough.

It didn't take long for the sedative to start wearing off and when it did, Ryan was so cute and funny.  We actually took several videos of him singing "ashes, ashes, we all fall down" and him looking at the wrist band and calling it a watch.  And then he held up his leg and looked at the blood pressure cuff around his ankle and yelled again, "watch!".  If I get a chance, maybe I'll load a video.  Even when he's a little high, our little boy is adorable and funny.

So it's been a few days and he's recovering.  He is still freaked out whenever I have to put ointment on his cut and I can't even cut his fingernails now without him yelling.  I can't blame him though.  So much trauma for a little guy.  TOO much trauma for a little guy.

And now I'm leaving for out of town for a week.  I always hate to leave my little boy, but this time, it's pretty sad.  He's been clinging to me and wants to be held a lot, so I tell myself maybe it will be good for him.  But deep down I know that Ryan needs his mommy.

And once again, that breaks my heart.