our new normal

We're slowly getting settled into our new normal.  For years, actually, for our entire married life, I have worked from home and traveled a fair amount.  And while I probably complained all the time about traveling and my work schedule, there were definite pros along with the cons about my previous work situation.  But now that I'm commuting to work everyday, we're adjusting to our new normal.  Here are some interesting tidbits and observations that have been floating around my mind these past weeks:

* I haven't spent more than 2.5 months straight at home which means I haven't been with either Tony or Ryan or even Anna for more than 2.5 months at a time.

* I do think traveling makes the heart grow fonder.  When I would travel, Tony and I would talk every night on the phone for an hour or so.  We would often have conversations that we normally don't have when we are caught up with the daily routine.

* Even though I traveled frequently, when I was working from home I would spend a lot of time with Ryan since he only went to daycare twice a week.  I miss that.

* Now I get up at 5:30am and rarely see the kids before I leave for work.  I see them for a few hours when I get home until they go to bed around 7:30pm but most of that time is spent feeding, bathing and getting them ready for bed.  I know many working moms are probably saying, "welcome to my world" and I take my hat off to you.  All I'm saying is this is a huge adjustment for me and my family.  We'll get used to it, but I miss my kids (and Tony of course).

But I have to say that I LOVE my new job.  I'm still on a consulting basis, but I am crossing my fingers and praying that it will turn into a permanent situation.  I love the people I work with, the environment is such an improvement from my last situation and I am loving what I am doing.

So, new normal, I embrace you.  It may take me a bit of time to get used to you, but I embrace you.

grateful

The first Sunday of every month is "Fast and Testimony" meeting at my church.  On that day, the members of my faith fast for two meals and at church, they have the opportunity to stand and bear their testimony of their faith.  On Fast and Testimony day in November, both Tony and I stood and talked of faith and gratitude and bid our fellow church members good-bye as we thought we would be moving to North Carolina in a few weeks.  My boss called the very next day to tell me that they had not only changed their mind about relocating me to North Carolina, but that they were terminating me.

In my testimony the previous day, I talked about a Bishop (ecclesiastical leader) that I had had several years ago when I lived in San Francisco.  That Bishop was a colorful kind of guy - an undercover FBI agent that was certainly rough around the edges.  He didn't fit the typical mold of a Mormon Bishop and I loved that about him. 

He told me about how he was talking to a woman on a plane who was a different religion and they got into a bit of a doctrinal discussion.  That woman believed that she was saved by grace alone.  Mormons believe that we are saved by grace and works - we do everything we can to live a Christ-like life and then grace takes up the slack.  (I see beauty in both doctrines and I'm not here to debate them.)

At the end of the discussion, my Bishop asked this woman this question:  If you are saved by grace alone, what motivates you to follow Christ?  Her answer humbled him to the core.  With a look of amazement on her face, she simply said:  "why, because I'm so grateful."

I love that. Her motivation in life wasn't to obey commandments so she would be blessed.  Her motivation was gratitude, pure and simple.  I've often thought about this woman and I admire her for her level of gratitude.

And I wish my gratitude was that strong. I wish gratitude was my motivating factor in my life.  I think about how my relationship with my Heavenly Father would be different if I thanked him in continual prayer for everything (instead of a continual prayer of requests).  I think about how my relationship with my friends and family would be if I continually thanked them for every thing they did for me.  I think about how my relationship with my husband would be if gratitude were my sole motivation in my marriage.

Tony and I started a tradition a few years ago writing in Gratitude Journals.  Instead of writing in our own personal journal about things we were grateful for, I wrote in a Tony's journal and he wrote in mine.  Sadly, we have not kept that tradition going, but today I intend to revive that.  I will write in Tony's gratitude journal about something I am grateful for and leave it on his bedside table for him to find and expect nothing in return.

Feelings and expressions without any conditions or expectations. 
That's what gratitude is anyway right?

Ryan and Anna

Ryan and Anna.  Sometimes they go together like apple pie and ice cream.  They love to play together these days and it really does warm my heart to hear Ryan say, "I want to play with Anna."  But sometimes that ice cream melts and we're left with sloppy mess.

Just this morning, I asked Ryan if he could play with Anna without fighting and he answered in a very serious tone, "no."  Well, at least he is honest.

And a quick update on the employment front.  Monday is my first day working on a three month consulting job that I think I'm going to love doing.  It's working on an operations project that probably sounds really boring to a lot of you, but it's something that I love to do - even more than the business development/sales management and marketing.  So I feel much more relaxed and I'm actually able to spend time enjoying my kids. 

But I'll tell you, I take my hat off to all you stay-at-home moms out there.  I've had my kids home a lot with me over the past two weeks and sometimes I thought I was going to go crazy. 

I also realize that especially in this Thanksgiving season, I have so much to be grateful for.  And at the top of the list is friends and family who have helped us along this rocky year and who have been there for us.

So thank you!  We are happy, healthy and are progressing.  And I fully believe that it is our prayers and yours that have helped us to get through the rough times.

an update

As I mentioned in my last post, we are no longer moving to North Carolina.  It was a sudden change - one day we were packing, getting the house ready to rent and the next day we were unemployed.  Yes, unemployed.  It's been a huge shock to us and the reason I haven't written about it is...well, I really don't know what to write.  I probably shouldn't relate to much except that my boss simply changed his mind.

We had already signed a lease to rent out our SLC home (which luckily we were able to get out of) and were about to sign a lease for a fabulous home in High Point to rent.  I was actually really excited about moving - partly because of the house I found.  It was on an acre lot and had nothing but trees and grass around us.  Well, there were neighbors, but it seemed very remote and country like, except it wasn't.  But that is a moot point at this stage.

So what are we doing?  Looking for jobs.  Because Tony was doing contract work for my company, we are both looking for jobs now.  It's great fun (yes, you read sarcasm in that).

We are surviving and trying to look at the positive.  I will admit that I have had a really hard time.  It's been a tough year because we've had the uncertainty of this relocation hanging over us for almost the entire year.  It has made us push our adoption as fast as we could, it was the reason we had Anna's surgery done as quickly as we did and it was the driving force in many of the decisions we made.  In the past year we have dealt with adoption, a relocation across the country, cancer and now unemployment.  I'm also still battling medical insurance which again, is great fun.

It all means I haven't been sleeping a whole lot.  And it also means that I have to rely a lot on faith, prayer and hope.  Something that I'm not very good at at this moment.  But I'm trying to be.

So stay tuned, because it isn't all bad.  It is the month of giving thanks after all and I have been doing just that.  Plus I have lots of cute pictures of Ryan and Anna to post.  They are becoming great friends (in between all the fights) and it is fun and cute to watch.

So thanks for the love, prayers and support.  It is both needed and appreciated.

Natalie

a panda and a cowboy

As per our usual, a lot has been happening around here.  I'm not quite ready to write about it, but suffice it to say we are no longer moving to North Carolina.  I am one part relieved and one part something else.  It's that something else that I should write about in a not to distant future.

But for now, I thought I'd post some Halloween pictures before Thanksgiving Day.  Here is our little panda bear and our little cowboy.

Ryan's cowboy costume is actually a costume that my brother Brian originally wore...ummm....a few years ago.  Then my brother Trent wore it, then my sister's boys and now Ryan.  Ryan wore it last Halloween too but because life is so crazy for us, I decided to take the easy (lazy) route and reuse the cowboy costume.  And the panda costume is Ryan's from two years ago but it seemed perfect for our little Chinese addition to our family.

On Wednesday we went to our church Trunk or Treat activity and after the trunk or treat portion, we were went inside the church building for dinner and a children's costume parade.  When it was Ryan and Anna's turn, I told Ryan to hold Anna's hand and walk across the stage.  They stood on that stage holding hands and stared out at the crowd and it was absolutely darling.  Unfortunately we didn't have our camera with us so you'll just have to believe me - they were cute!

Everyone has been asking me how Anna did on Halloween and I just reply:  great - just like she's doing with everything.  This little girl just adapts to everything and takes everything in stride.  So even when her mommy dresses her up in an animal costume, she just goes along and has fun.  And the trick or treating?  She had the grabbing candy thing down in about 2 seconds!
 
 

two months with Anna





Anna on Gotcha Day with a look of absolute terror on her face.





 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We're coming up on two months since we've had Anna and last night I was thinking how far she has come.  The day we received her, she was absolute terrified but what 18 month old wouldn't be?  It was heart breaking to see the scared look on her face.  But just a few days later, she had already adjusted to the idea that I was her mommy.  I was actually amazed at how quickly she became attached to me.  But, the attachment was only to me - she wouldn't go to anyone else and even if Tony was pushing her stroller, she had to hold my hand while I walked beside her.

 





Joy's favorite picture of us - like mother like daughter.





 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She would cry and cry if I even went to take a shower or walked away from her.  And she has a temper - tantrums are her specialty.  When we brought her home, she would still need to be in VERY close proximity to me and often needed to be touching me.  She would rub her lip and nose in a soothing habit whenever she was sad, mad, scared or even tired.







Anna attached to me as I worked...and rubbing her lip.



 



 

She still gets pretty grumpy at times like the time when we were in China and she wouldn't put her legs in the seat and sit in her stroller so I just kind of dumped her on top.  She just scowled. 





Miss Grumpy didn't want to sit in her stroller.

She still has her tantrums (she had the biggest fit today that I've ever seen - I'm hoping the anger dissipates by her teens!) but she is becoming much more adjusted to our family life. 

 

She loves Tony and in spite of the constant battle over toys, she adores Ryan.  And I noticed that she doesn't have fits if we leave the room, she can wander around the house without us being in the vicinity and she also doesn't rub her lip like she used to do - her soothing habit.  It may be the arm braces that broke that habit, but in any event, that need for constant soothing when she is distressed is gone.

 

She is developing a funny little personality too.  We catch her dancing to music and she loves to play and be teased.

 

So I'd say not bad for a mere two months, not bad.  I'd say we're past the attachment issues and are just working on boundaries oh, and that little temper of hers!

the capacity to love

I've been thinking about this post for a long time and while I don't have all my thoughts worked out, I think I need to write it for ME.

A few people have asked me if I love Anna as much as Ryan. 


I'm always taken back a bit when someone asks me if I love Anna as much as I love Ryan.  But instead of thinking about whether or not the question bugs me, I thought I would write about it because I think a lot of people might have the question.  So here goes...

I think it would be more honest if I said I love Anna in a different way than Ryan.  In some ways, I love her so much that it breaks my heart, like when I think of her past and her future and the challenges that she is going to have with her surgeries, speech therapy and dealing with the fact that she was abandoned.  Obviously, I don't have any of those types of feelings with Ryan since he is biological and doesn't have any special needs.  But I will say that on the day we received her, our "Gotcha Day" I thought my heart was going to burst with love for this little girl.





Anna on Gotcha Day after she finally stopped sobbing after her nanny left.

In other ways, I will admit that I have struggled with Anna.  But I think it has more to do with our life circumstances than anything.  Bringing her home, starting medical appointments a few days after being home, having surgery 2 weeks after bringing her home, my business trip last week and the biggie - moving across the country next month.  All of those have been extremely stressful and have not allowed me any downtime to just enjoy her and love her.  I've been so stressed with the kids fighting and getting ready for the biggest tradeshow of the year and finding renters and a place to live that I haven't been able to sit down each night and read a book with the kids or play with them.  I've been putting far too many movies on the TV to babysit them while I get things done.

When I think about Anna, I am amazed at how well she is doing.  She has totally attached to each of us.  I got home very late Wednesday night - it was actually around 2am Thursday morning.  And when she saw me Thursday morning, she lit up and called out "mama".  That melted my heart as much as when Ryan calls me "mommy." 

Anna was very fortunate to have a loving nanny who took good care of her.  Anna was very attached to this nanny.  And I will always be grateful for the amazing care she received while she was in China.  We have been struggling with boundaries though because she had a full-time nanny who cared for her round the clock.  I also think Anna got her way a lot.  But other than that, she has been great.  I've already mentioned what a great sleeper and eater she is!

And when I have moments of exhaustion and feelings of being overwhelmed, I think of my favorite scripture:  "Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that he may be filled with this love (charity)". 

Unfortunately for my little family, I have had to pray to be filled with love a LOT over the past month.  But it isn't just love for little Anna.  I've prayed for love for Ryan and Tony too. 

So do I love Anna as much as Ryan?  I would say absolutely yes but I also have to work at it just as I have to work at being a good mother and loving Ryan and being a good wife and loving Tony.  I believe we all have an unlimited capacity to love, the key is how hard we work at it.

But I will say that it feels like Anna has always been ours.  And most of all, with Anna, our family feels complete. 

mr. mom

I've been away in North Carolina on my business trip and I'm happy to report that I think everyone has survived.  The kids seem to be adjusting quite well, Anna and Tony are pretty tight these days and they seem to be thriving without me!

But I did have a very humorous phone exchange with Tony yesterday.  I called Tony Tuesday evening around 7pm Utah time and he answered the phone in a very rushed tone:  "Hi, I'm putting Anna to bed and Ryan is in the tub, can I call you back?"

An hour or so later, Tony called me back with one of the best Tony parenting stories I've heard to date!  Tony gave Anna a bath and got her dressed for bed.  Then he drained the tub, filled it with fresh bath water and it was Ryan's turn for a bath.  Ryan's in the tub for a few seconds and then points his finger and shrieks, "POO POO!  There's POO POO daddy!"  And there it was - a little present from Anna floating on a foam cut-out bath toy.

So Tony pulls Ryan out of the tub, scoops up the offending floater, puts all the toys in the sink to scrub down, disinfects the toys and the entire tub all while Ryan is running around the house in all his glory - naked and free as a bird.  Tony, meanwhile is praying that Ryan doesn't pee on the carpet.

As soon as Tony gets the tub cleaned up and refills it with water, he goes to corral naked boy and finds him "combing" Anna's hair with a piece of plastic train track.  I'm impressed that Tony has the calmness to give Ryan a comb and allow him to continue combing Anna's hair.

Tony has to chase naked Ryan around the house a bit because he is loving the naked bit but he finally catches him, puts him in the tub, puts Anna to sleep, then finishes Ryan's bath, puts him to bed and THEN, calls his wife to relate the tales of the evening.

I'm still laughing.

Anna's last day with those darn arm braces

Anna has definitely made peace with Abby

We're still alive here in the Smart home. But sometimes, I think just barely.

Anna has hit the two week mark of wearing her arm braces.  And since today was her last day wearing her braces, I thought I'd post a few arm brace pictures.  It also marks the end of the pajama period.  Ms. Houdini can get out of most of her other shirts so she's been wearing pajamas for two weeks - sometimes with packing tape accents around the Velcro (but don't tell my social worker).

did I also mention she loves to climb on anything and everything?

I think she's done fabulously with them on.  I think she's much more frustrated with eating pureed baby food than wearing arm braces.  Did I mention this girl loves to eat?  And that pureed stuff isn't cutting it for this little girl.  Cranky doesn't begin to describe her at mealtime.

She and Ryan are still fighting constantly.  It is enough to drive me insane.  We moved the furniture around to create what we call a "fort" which sounds fun to Ryan, but it really is a furniture cage to keep either Ryan in/Anna out or Anna in/Ryan out.  It works until Anna tries to get in and Ryan hits her on the head.

 
 
 

next!

I've always liked to make lists and check things off.  I don't go as far as adding something I've already accomplished just so I can cross it off, but I'm close.  I like the order and the feeling of accomplishing something.

But my list lately?  It's a bit ridiculous.

Adoption trip to China...check.
Cleft palate repair surgery...check
One month follow up visit from social worker...check

Next up:
Business trip next week (first trip away from Anna)
Find a renter for our home in Salt Lake City
Find a place to live in North Carolina
Figure out how to move two toddlers, a yellow lab, two vehicles and a household across the country

I woke up and realized I have about six weeks to make this move to North Carolina happen.  Yikes.  So....because I am now panicking and because maybe you or someone you know is looking for a place to rent in Salt Lake City, here are some pictures of our home.  I'll start with my favorite place - our back deck.  We have a view of both the mountains and the valley.  From the deck you can see both the sunrise and sunset.  From our front room, you can see the sunset.  Believe me, it is spectacular.  I'm for once I'm not worried about setting your expectations too high.

 

 

master bedroom - with a view out the window but mostly the tops of trees which is still pretty!

 


master bathroom

 

built in bookshelves

 

our family room / great room  We love this room...

 

my messy kitchen...don't judge...

 

2nd bathroom (I took out the froggy potty for the picture)

 

3rd bedroom - it used to be two bedrooms but they took the wall out so it's one long room
(this is now Anna's room)



 

So there you have it.  We remodeled three years ago and love this house and hate to leave it, but well, life takes funny turns now and then. 

 

If you or anyone you know is interested, you can email me at: nmano@yahoo.com

post surgery

It feels like Anna's surgery was so long ago but it's only been one week.  Tony took her to her one-week follow up visit with the doctor and he said everything looks great, which is a huge relief.  I used to have another picture of her sleeping the night of her surgery, but every time I looked at it, it made me sad, so I took it off this posting.




Anna with the tube in her nose and the stitch in her tongue - you can see the thread from her mouth to her cheek.

The surgery itself went very well.  If you're ever in need of plastic surgery, I have the doctor for you.  He is amazing and everyone I've talked to says the same thing.  He said that before he started the surgery, he read a bit from Anna's file to everyone in the operating room.  He said that everyone heard her story and just melted.  How is THAT for a caring doctor? 


Tony and I were in the hospital waiting for about 6 hours total with pre-op.  It was a long day and I was a bit anxious even knowing she was in capable hands.  When they called me to post-op, I could hear her crying (actually screaming) from down the hall.  She was extremely distressed and was thrashing about which is not what you want a post-operative patient to be doing.  With tears running down my cheeks, another nurse and I held down my daughter as best we could while I talked to her.  Nothing was working and they ended up giving her some morphine.  She started calming down and so I held out my arms to her, she held her arms up to me, I picked her up and she just melted in my lap and fell asleep.



Anna the next morning - no tube, no stitch!


I thought about all she's been through in her short eighteen months and it broke my heart for the hundredth time.  In addition to the hard palate prosthetic and the soft palate repair, they put a tube in her nose to make sure her airway passage remained open and a stitch in the front of her tongue with the string attached and glued to her cheek just in case her tongue rolled back and blocked her passage way.  ouch.

But after the initial disorientation after waking up from her surgery, she was ok.  In fact, she was great.  She drank some water and ate some applesauce and yogurt that night and even more the next day (did I mention that this girl loves to eat?!).  They said she might have trouble eating, but I never doubted my Anna.

Anyway, around mid-day last Wednesday they discharged us and we were home by 2pm.  Since then, she's been doing great.  She hates those arm braces, yet, when I go to put them back on her arms (after bathing or exercising), she will hold her arms out to me so I can put them back on.

So all in all, she's doing great.  She can sort of hold her bottle, but she ends up pushing it hard into her mouth so I don't let her feed herself.  She hates this and has regular fits, but she is getting used to it. 

But as you can see, no arm brace is going to keep this little girl from climbing and her other shenanigans!

surgery





Anna in her hospital pj's

Tony and I are sitting in the waiting room while little Anna has tubes put in her ears and then has her cleft palate repaired.  We are at Primary Children's Hospital and are fortunate to have some of the best medical care in the world.  I've been in Peru assisting doctors and dentists as they cared for the very poor who don't have medical and dental care and I know how fortunate we are.  And I am grateful.



Waiting room fish tank!

But still, it broke my heart when they carried her away.  And a few minutes ago, Tony looked at me and said, our little girl is under the knife right now.  Not what a mommy wants to hear.

They said her surgery will be about 4 hours.  And they said that she will be pretty grumpy today.  I'll be staying overnight with her in the hospital so sounds like it will be great fun.  She hasn't eaten anything since dinner last night and hasn't had any liquids since 9am this morning (they took her at about 1:30pm) so she was pretty grumpy to begin with!
 




The pre-op room had great toys!

The saddest part of all will be she is going to have arm braces on both arms so she can't bend her arms and touch her mouth.  And she will have those arm braces on for TWO weeks.  Shortly after she gets those braces off, her mommy will be traveling and so she is going to feel abandoned for a week (hopefully Skype will help alleviate that abandonment feeling).

So if you feel so inclined  to keep praying for our little Anna, we would be so appreciative!
 
 



treading water

I'm probably not in the best frame of mind to write a post, but it's quiet for a few minutes in our house, so here goes....
 



Our sick little boy...makes me teary just looking at this picture.

The second week at home was MUCH better than the first - mostly because Ryan wasn't sick.   To give you an idea of how sick this little guy was, look at this sad picture.  He has never been so sick that he just slept on the floor or the sofa for several days in a row without eating. 

Anna has had four doctor appointments so far in the two weeks that we've been home.  Unfortunately, I think this is just the beginning.  Last Monday, we spent the entire afternoon at Primary Children's Hospital in their cranial-facial division and saw our plastics surgeon, ear/nose/throat doctor, speech therapist and the dentist/orthodontist.  It was a very long afternoon and while I feel really good about the care we are going to receive, we were on information overload by the time we left the hospital.  Right now, Anna's surgery for her cleft palate repair is set for Tuesday, October 1st.  I'd ask for your prayers for her during and after the surgery, but first, we have to get through an insurance hurdle (and I am tempted to ask for your prayers as I deal with the insurance company!). 



Tony drawing with Anna in the waiting room at Primary Children's.


While everyone kept assuring me that cleft palate repair is "standard of care" and we wouldn't have any problems getting the procedure approved, I am not finding this to be the case.  My doctor is going to talk to the insurance company and hopefully we will be able to go through with the surgery (we are on a tight schedule here due to our move to North Carolina in November!) or it may need to be delayed a few weeks.
 
But I'll save my medical insurance rant for another time...
 
Other than medical stuff, I think we're adjusting really well.  We also had our visit with our social worker for our one month report and even though she witnessed one of Anna's meltdown's and Ryan hitting Anna, she thought we were doing very well.

We have our continual fights over toys, jealousy issues and typical bickering.  I know this is standard fare in most families and I really don't worry too much about it, but man, it gets exhausting!  I think the main difference in this situation is a second child in a family is usually a newborn baby and that newborn baby doesn't get jealous of the older sibling.  Anna gets crazy jealous of Ryan and has started hitting him.  And when she hits Ryan, Ryan starts wailing like he's been mortally wounded.  Anna has hit me and I can barely feel it.  But we go through this circus oh, about 50 times a day.  It's great fun.

But I do see glimpses of hope now and then.  Once in a while Ryan will be helpful and kind to Anna.  And Anna really does adore her big brother.  She will follow him around and if Ryan gives her the time of day, she seizes it and loves it.  Ryan knows how if he makes this funny sound in his throat, it makes her laugh. 

One day we built a fort and let the kids have a picnic.  They giggled and laughed and shared.  And Anna has made peace with Abby. 

It is moments like these and many others that make up for the hundred times I have picked up the legos and toys, the hundred fights I have referred and the thousand tears I have wiped off little faces.

more pictures from the Anyang Orphanage

Since publishing my original posting on the Anyang Orphanage (which you can read here), I've had a few emails from adopting parents of some of these darling children and asking if I had any other pictures.  I went through my emails looking for these email address and haven't been able to find them (I am an organizational mess right now!) so in the meantime, while I continue my search, these pictures are for you mommies and daddies who are adopting these sweet babies.



 

I hope your travel approvals come soon and have these babies in your arms soon!

the last China post (but not the last post about China)

I would forego the last China post if I didn't have such great pictures to share!

Since we had so much downtime in Guangzhou while we waited for our upcoming US Consulate appointment, we went to the zoo. 

Our guides kept telling us about the panda bears and how we would see them.  The expectation management side of me kept my excitement over our zoo visit at bay.

Anna showing a little attitude...

 I've been on too many zoo visits to know better than to expect every animal to be present and/or perform.  And true to form, the panda bears were enclosed in a glass building and you could barely see them.  We didn't even bother taking a picture.

BUT, the rest of the zoo was fabulous!  They had lots of animals - not just the single tiger like you see at Hogle Zoo.  But the best part has to be feeding the giraffes.  For a mere 10 yuan, you got a big bush of leaves to feed the giraffes.  We took Anna in and she was one part fascinated, two parts skeptical and 3 parts scared.  So now Anna can tell her therapist that her mom was feeding her to the giraffes AND the polar bear (see previous post last week).
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did I mention how hot and humid it was in Guangzhou?  90 degree heat and 90% humidity made for a short zoo trip and a very tired little girl.