did I really write the last post just this morning??

I finally sat down to write about all that's happened, I opened up the blog and it said "Thursday" for my last posting. Then I got confused because I thought today was Thursday and I thought I wrote the last post yesterday. Then I realized the post I thought I wrote yesterday was really from this morning and that it was still, in fact Thursday.

Did anyone follow that? Did I mention that I am on percoset (or however you spell that)? (The first photo is just after he was born - he looks so TINY next to Tony's hand)


Basically, I'm still a bit confused, but now I know that it's been a really long day and that I wrote my last post just this morning and that it is still Thursday. So, let me re-cap yesterday's events for you...

Around 5 am I started feeling a little bit of cramping, but it really didn't hurt very bad. I actually wondered if I was having a bad gas pain or something. Around 6am I realized the pain was a contraction and then another and then another. I called the nurse. By 6:30 am the nurse told me I should tell my husband to come right away. I called Tony around 6:45 (he was in the shower so it took a while to contact him) and he made it to the hospital around 7:30 am by which time I was having contractions about 2 -3 minutes apart and was 3 cm dilated. The contractions kept increasing in intensity and decreasing in time between them so they moved me to Labor & Delivery (everyone at each step along the way was rushing around as quickly as they could).

Before I knew it, I was 6 cm and they were trying to get the anesthesia guy to come to the epidural as quickly as possible (apparently I was 2nd in line for him). They FINALLY gave me the epidural but they said I was progressing too quickly for the epidural to kick in. They gave me a second epidural (the first one wasn't much fun - the second was SO painful - I think I had 3 intense contractions during it). By the time the second epidural kicked in, I was at 9.5 cm (you start pushing at 10 cm). Basically, I had a few minutes rest before they told me to start pushing so I did it all natural except for a few minutes.

After they had me push 2 or 3 times, they told me to stop pushing, that the baby's heart rate had dropped dangerously low and they were going to do an emergency C-Section.

I think I mentioned in my last post that my mom was there too. Tony was right by my side coaching me and rubbing my back - he was amazing and wonderful and it makes me cry to think about how perfect he was through all of this. My mom was a little further away and I couldn't see her, but I knew she was there. Once in awhile she would come over and touch my arm and with all the hands around me, touching me, even though I couldn't see her, I always knew when my mom's hand was touching my arm or my hand. I think that's just how mom's are. We know their touch. In case you're wondering, yes, I'm crying as I write this....

I'll just say this before I get back to the story. I needed Tony there by me and he was there. But I loved that my mom was there too.

OK. back to the C-Section. They whisked me away to surgery and Tony wasn't with me at first and just when I was about to panic that he wasn't coming, he entered the room (I guess he had to scrub and get ready to enter the surgical room). I was just on the surgical bed and there seemed to be 50 people rushing around getting things ready. I was fully awake but they draped something over me so I couldn't see what they were doing. Within a few minutes I could feel pressure, tugging and pulling on my abdomen and before I knew it, Tony said they were lifting our baby out of me. Tony snapped a few quick pictures for me, I heard about 2 very brief, very small cries and then I didn't hear anything more.

They had already passed our little boy through the window to NICU (Newborn ICU), but I didn't know that. I just lay there listening for his cry which never came. When I was about to ask about him in a panic, they told me that ICU had him. They were still working on me on the operating table when they asked Tony if he wanted to go see the baby and off he went. The pictures here are when Tony when to go see our baby and I was still on the operating table. After they were done working on me, they wheeled my bed straight from the operating room to NICU where they let me hold our baby for the first time - which is the picture you see here. What you can't see is the emotional release that came when I held our baby for the first time after worrying for almost 2 weeks since my water broke whether he would be ok or not.

We knew he would be 6-7 weeks premature. We knew he had several risks facing him including breathing and lack of lung development. We also knew all of the 2 dozen other things that could happen to our little preemie because we had to sign a medical release over a week ago saying we allowed the NICU to perform 2 dozen + procedures that might be required. I also remembered them saying, although we don't expect it, there is a very small risk he will be stillborn.

And now I was holding him. They put him on my bare chest so we could be skin to skin and he was even breathing on his own. So yes, there was an enormous emotional release.

They let the three of us have a long moment together and as they closed a curtain around us, Tony and I cried as we held our little baby. And yes, I'm crying again as I write this...

I spent the rest of the day trying to keep my eyes open whenever I absolutely had to - the rest of the time I was completely exhausted. I have never been so tired in my life. I fell asleep trying to drink some broth later that night. I fell asleep talking to someone on the phone (I don't even know who it was). I fell asleep when I was holding the baby (Tony was helping me hold the baby). I literally could not stay awake for anything.

But I know a lot of things happened. I remember my sister Janelle visiting. I remember Tony taking my mom and then my sister to see the baby. I remember my mom being there all day. And of course Tony was there too. But most of all, I remember being so relieved that everything seemed to be ok with our baby.

Day 2 (today) is much clearer. In spite of starting today in a bit of a fog (like when I wrote this morning's post), I remember pretty much everything. I had good visits with baby smart (yep, still no name...). I tried breast feeding our baby and he actually sorta latched on and sucked a couple of times - it takes preemie babies a long time to develop this. Tony was here and he was once again, so supportive as he helped me move around, get out of bed, go for walks, helped me shower and even helped me go to the bathroom.

I don't really have anything profound to write except that I am completely amazed at what modern medicine can accomplish. This University of Utah Hospital is amazing. When you look at all the world and the different levels of medical care - we completely understand that we are getting some of the best care available in the world.

I'm also humbled by the human spirit. I'm grateful for everything my friends and family has done for me over the past few weeks. I can't find the words to describe how I feel about Tony except that I'm crying again. And I love seeing the new little spirit that Tony and I were blessed with. I already know that he is going to be the love of our lives.