bloggy blog blog

Note: This blog posting is dedicated to my sister Melissa who wrote me an email that I read at 2am when I got up to pump....and which made me cry. I keep meaning to call her back, but when I'm conscious, it's always too early in the morning in Hawaii. At night I'm barely able to remember my name let alone talk on the phone. But we'll chat soon. In the meantime, here's a bloggy blog blog (she'll get it).

You're right Melissa, I'm super busy and exhausted. In fact, I don't know that I've ever been this exhausted before in my life - except the day I gave birth to Ryan. Last night we left the hospital around 9pm and I could barely walk to my car. It's more the emotional exhaustion that is wearing me down. I try not to think about how tired I am, but it's too tiring not to think about it. So there it is - if I'm being really honest - I'm exhausted.

Ryan has had a couple of great days! He had his first combo meal (breast and bottle in one meal) and seemed to be getting stronger. But then yesterday the first thing I saw was an IV back in his hand. The nurse hurried over to explain and the first thing she said was "I called Markus to come talk to you." I got a chill. It turned out to be ok and we're still on course, but Ryan threw up a bit of blood two nights ago. They ran another course of tests and an xray and put him back on an IV. Markus said because of the big scare last time, they wanted to take every precaution.

I was more upset than I needed to be - mostly because of the anticipation of something going wrong, but I'm ok. Just a brief cry and then I was able to hold it together. I think I've cried more this past month than I have my entire life.

I just called the hospital a few minutes ago and he had a good night - no vomiting and NO blood. So hopefully that was just a bump in the road. Markus said he thinks the blood is from irritation from the feed tube that has been in his nose and down his throat into his stomach for 3 weeks now. He said, "we've got to get that feeding tube out of him" but we can't do that until he eats on his own. I have my marching orders...

There are so many better things to write about. The first being Ryan is getting stronger each day.

I've talked to a few other NICU moms as we rock and cuddle our babies. Everyone has a story and most are tougher than ours. They are from Wyoming and are staying in the Ronald McDonald house or they had twins and one is home and one is in the NICU. They are a single mother without much support. I hear their stories and feel badly that I can't do something to help.

And then I remember what Tony always says, "we are rich."