mixed feelings

I'm going home today. Everyone keeps asking if I'm excited to go home. And of course I am, but I'm also going home without our baby. I knew that was going to be hard and I've been trying to prepare emotionally for this event. But how do you do that? How do you prepare to leave your sick baby in the hospital? Even though you know he's getting some of the best care in the world, even though you know it's time for you to go home, even though you know you'll be back tonight and everyday until he's well enough to take home....it's still hard.

I've been in the hospital for 17 days now since my water broke. I read over my blog since my "greetings from my hospital bed" posting and it's been quite a ride. I recognize the blessings and the care we've all received. And it's overwhelming.

Our little baby (we're getting closer to a name...) is still pretty sick. I was so optimistic that he would only be here a relatively short time, that it's hard to face reality. A couple of days ago he developed an infection around his umbilical cord. They are treating it very aggressively as this type of infection could potentially be fatal. That's a hard word to type...fatal. But I'm not focusing on that. His initial tests came back yesterday and indicated that it is just topical and not systemic - meaning the infection is just on his skin and hasn't gone any deeper. That was great news and a huge relief. However, the redness has spread a bit and he hasn't responded to the antibiotics they started him on. I think they are going to change the antibiotics - but a final decision hasn't been made yet.

This morning I hurried over to the Newborn ICU - it was a little hectic this morning since I'm checking out of the hospital - met with the doctor, rented a breast pump, met with the nurse about having my staples removed which made me late for my 8am date with my little boy (they feed him at 8am so I try to get there to try to breastfeed). When I got there, his two doctors, Gary and Marcus, his pediatrician and 2 nurses were huddled around his tanning bed. They were about to put in a pick line. He's been having troubles with his IV - they have to change it at least once a day because the IV doesn't work (he's like his mommy with IV's - we don't like them). They told me in a very direct tone that I do NOT want to be here for the pick line (a pick line replaces an IV and is more invasive and is placed deeper than an IV). He would scream a lot and they would be restraining him. They'll also be taking x-rays to make sure the pick line is placed correctly and is not causing any problems - it's kinda a big deal, but I'm trying not to think about it.

After talking with them for a bit, they said to come back in an hour. Mom is on her way now and we'll go back at 9:30 to for a short visit to make sure everything is ok. Tony will be here at 10am and we'll all go to church here. Then at 11am we'll go back and I'll try to feed him again and will spend more time with him.

I have the best quality time with him at nights. After Tony goes home for the evening between 9 and 10pm, I go back to the Newborn ICU and we try to breast feed and then we snuggle. He lays on my chest skin to skin and we sleep for a few hours. I do that during the day too, but at night it is so peaceful and quiet. They close the curtains around us and it's just the two of us. That's my favorite part of the day. Tony has his "skin on skin" time earlier in the day too. We both love our time with our boy.

We are still very optimistic that he will recover from his infection and will be home soon. We're still working on breast feeding, but we're making a bit of progress. Preemie's don't intuitively know how to suck like full-term babies, but our little guy has latched on a couple of times so we feel we're on the right path. My milk has come in on one side, but not the other - which is getting quite painful. But we're working on it...

We so appreciate all of you. Right now we're trying to focus on gettting our baby healthy and are trying to spend as much time with him as possible. Between pumping every 2-3 hours and going to the nursery to try to breastfeed and then hold him, we don't have much time for visitors, but we love reading your emails and your notes of encouragement.

Much love and appreciation to all of you...

Natalie, Tony and Baby Smart